diz ruptive photography's photostream

diz ruptive photography's photostream on Flickr.

Just an update for those that don't know, this is the addy where you can find my photography. Everything from photos of my beautiful girlfriend, my loving puppy, sexy classic cars to roller derby madness. Enjoy.

They missed it

It doesn't appear that the Mayans predicted the end of the earth after all. Despite all the evidence and constant shouting of believers, the endless movies and tv shows supporting the "what if" claims and disaster this and disaster that...12/21/12 came and went for the most part, quietly. Not to say that the earth is safe from some sort of magnetic shift in the near future or that the earth won't suddenly tilt on its axis, but it is just another reminder that we are merely guests on this giant blue marble.

As for the religious side of things, in the scriptures The Lord promised that when he did come again, it would be known only to Him and none other. There would be no prophecy, no illumination, no warning written in stone or the sky to tell us of His arrival that would mark the beginning of the change. So stop looking for a sign to tell you, to warn you that your time on this earth is coming to an end, because honestly...we are all living on borrowed time that none of us have the ability to pay back. Be thankful for each day, be kind to one another, show mercy and love each other.

The time will come when humans will no longer be "top dog" on the planet, when we no longer have the perception that we control our fate...but until then, there is still time to save what's left before all we know is gone.

Goodbye my dear sweet cousin Janet...

Today the family put your body in the ground, they lay you to rest but I could not be there to bid you farewell and 'God be with you until we meet again.' Mom texted me about an hour before the service while you peacefully rested in your bodies new home...a beautiful soft blue casket. She said the moments with you were quiet and Rich had picked a wonderful casket in which to lay your body. I'm glad she had some final moments to spend with you, to be touched by the spirit and to wish you never ending happiness in your new form. Mom said the service was beautiful as well, the weather was wonderful and the sun shone brightly while they lay you in the ground. Everyone was there, family came from near and far to say goodbye to your body fully knowing that your spirit lives on. You have left an amazing legacy behind, so many people have been touched by your kindness, your love, your friendship...your very soul. I am so very lucky and blessed to have been born your relation. I know without a doubt your name will be spoken in great reverence for generations to come. You will never be forgotten. And while your body starts its progress to dust, I take great comfort in knowing your soul lives on in great glory and is no longer suffering trapped in the failings of this mortal world.

The tears that fall from my eyes mourn the loss we feel on this earth, for the emptiness we now feel without you. I am so sorry I could not come and show my respect, that I could not bid you safe passage, but please know that there was hardly a moment that you were not in my thoughts. I miss you. I will always miss you. And I know that one of the first souls you met on the other side was Lynn, so I know you are in good company...a sister and brother reunited. Please speak kindly of us to God, and help us on our journey...but please, please know I love you so much. And thank you for being such a good cousin. I'll see you when I see you...

Death Becomes No One

As a therapist people think I have a solid grasp on life and all its complexities, well I don't. I am just as confused by war, suffering, injustice and hate as anyone else. I see sorrow and want to make it right. I see pain and want to make it go away. I see tears and I want to dry them. When there is injustice...well, you get the picture. It's just the way I am wired. For the most part I can handle most situations because there is always an opposite reaction to use as a proverbial crutch...right vs. wrong, pain vs. healing, starvation vs. fed. But when it comes to life vs. death...it's the saying goodbye that trips me up.

For me, my compassion turns to a form of extreme empathy...
What was their last thought?
Did they suffer?
Were they cold, hungry, scared?
Did they know they were loved?

Then my empathy turns to a form of self torture...
What could I have done differently?
Did they know I loved them?
What were my last words to them?
What role did I play in the loss of this life?

Death is no stranger to me, in fact death introduced herself to me early on in my life and for the most part has been a regular visitor. From childhood friends, classmates, teachers...to various family members, colleagues, friends, derby girls, pets (who are family) and clients.

You'd think with all this death that I would get used to it, that it would somehow desensitize me. Leaving me numb to its cold hallow touch. But death doesn't work like that, and for the last week I have suffered the loss of someone...a genuinely sweet soul. Patient, funny and ever so gentle. A soul that was tortured and is now free to be at peace. So I take this moment to celebrate him and his life and the knowledge that this world is a better place for having him in it and that heaven is blessed to have him now. So goodbye my friend. May your soul be at rest and may the rest of us left behind eventually find peace in your absence.

Biker chick

Well after years of wanting to be able to drive a motorcycle, I finally made it through to the end and believe it or not...I'm officially endorsed by the state of washington. There were 10 ladies that started the class with me, we lost one after day one. We lost two more on day two and of the final 8 (including myself) 5 of us passed the driving test on day 3. My biggest enemy is myself for being too hard on myself and expecting perfection. As for the course, the back to back U turns killed me. I'm still trying to get the counter weight thing down. One of the instructors told me I was a natural born cornerer. High praise if you ask me.

Anyway, now I'm trying to save up for a bike so I can keep riding and learning and growing the skills that I learned this weekend into real world application. Thank you to the Washington motorcycle training folks for being so supportive and patient. I had a great time and learned so much. Now...I just wanna ride!

The end of a genetic line

Every time I'm invited over to visit or have dinner with my extended family I'm faced with a horrible yet unavoidable truth...I am the only and last of my mother and fathers genetic line. I remember when I was in my very early teens my grandfather said to me one day, "Debra don't you let your branch of the family tree die, you're responsible for passing your moms side of the Carlsen name on." I recall feeling a mixture of emotions crash over me...pride in my family name and heritage, a sense of great burden and guilt if I were to let my mothers memory fade. These days I don't worry so much about passing the Carlsen name on as there are many others in the family that carry it. But the guilt and sadness that pulls at me over being the genetic end to my mothers memory is sometimes more than I can take. With respect to my fathers genetic markers...I again am the lone carrier. There are nights this understanding breaks me and I cry myself to sleep, but I don't want to have a child. And I don't want to raise a child in the kind of world we live in. It would almost be a punishment to sentence a child to such sorrow. So I feel stuck trying to figure out a way to make sure the world does not forget my mother and father...so that their existence has ongoing meaning even after they have moved on to a better place and time.

For now, until I find a more effective way to share my genetic memories of my mother and father, I will start trying to share more photos and memories of my childhood...not for me, I'm not sure if I care much about people remembering me, but I do care about my mother and father.

 This is a young photo of my dad, Dwight.

 This is a my father and my mother while they were dating.

 This is my mother, Marsha.

 Just me, my first 8 track tape was the smurfs sing along. 

 My mother and father on their wedding day.

 This is my first best friend, Coco. Some of my earliest memories are of riding him.

 Wedding cake.

 My second best friend, Tigger. She slept with and/or on me until I was 11 or so.

 Bath time with dad.

 I showed mom this picture and she laughed about how big her glasses were.

 This sums up a lot of my childhood, guns and horses. Why not?

Dad's mustache kind of creeps me out. I will have to find photos from his "amish" days.

Happy Mother's Day

My Dearest Mother,

No mere words could ever convey how much I love you or even come close to letting you know how thankful I am every single day that God saw fit to allow me in your life. No amount of money could I ever have access to that would enable me to pay you back for all the time, resources, energy and money you spent raising me. No award or prize in existence worthy enough to carry your name. I am woefully ill suited to pay proper reverence to you and yet here I try. You have always been there for me, loving me, advising me and when left to make my mistakes you have always helped me pick up the pieces. You make up my earliest memories, you taught me to walk, talk and show compassion for a world that wasn't always nice to me. You raised me on your own while going to school part time and still working a full time job...if when I die, I am half the woman you are...there will have been meaning in my life. There were so many times we could have become a disaster but by showing respect for me and my feelings and teaching me the same for you we were able to compromise and avoid the many pitfalls of my teenage angst. At the beginning of every quarter I would call you crying that I wasn't going to be able to pass one or more classes, and that I just wasn't smart enough. And every quarter you would tell me the same thing..."don't look at the end of the book, look at the front. You eat an elephant one spoonful at a time. You will do fine, you always do." By the time my college years finished I guess I ate a lot of elephants, passed a lot of classes and the one constant in my life has always been you. I can count on one hand the amount of times you have yelled at me or been cross with me...you have shown great patience with a daughter that well, let's be honest...gave you every grey hair you have. When I have been in doubt, you have taught me that a mother's love is forever. And every time I went out to a party you always reminded me "remember who you are." I always did remember...a child of God, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints but more important than any of those...I was your daughter. No greater title or fellowship could I be part of then to be called your daughter. And I thank God every day that he blessed me with you not only as my mother, but my best friend too.

 Mom teaching me to crawl.

 Mom always whispering words of advice.

 Mom always teaching me to laugh.

 Mom always teaching me caring and compassion for other living things.

 Mom always comforting me.

 Mom always has my back.

 Mom teaching me all about being pretty.

 Mom always beautiful.

I love you so much mom, happy Mother's Day from your ever adoring daughter. 

Nobody's hero

Sometimes we have the best intentions when we do or say things and they get messed up somewhere in translation. Sometimes people support you in the beginning, only to back down when any signs of trouble start up. Sometimes people aren't what we think...for better or worse. And sometimes we aren't what we think we are.

Every day brings us the chance to do good...or bad, and even with the best of intentions we cannot control the way others interpret our actions or words. I have posted on my laptop at work the statement "always be mindful" as a reminder to myself. Sometimes I remember and sometimes I don't. All I want in this life is to leave it a better place than I found it. And honestly, I work under the assumption that other people have the same mindset.

I'm just a person, I make mistakes. I do good deeds, and mess up. I am only human and only have control over my actions. I am not the owner of others ideas, concepts or interpretations. My intent is true, even if the end result is skewed.

Don't look up to me. I'm nothing special. Don't think I'm perfect. I'm still learning, I'm still struggling and don't want to be any ones hero. So take what you want, and leave the rest. But don't assign more to me than is really mine. The cross I carry is heavy enough with just my actions. I'm tired. I'm weak. If you can't accept all of me...I can't change to make you happy. No one is required to be in my life. Right now, and quite often...I don't even want to be in my life.

My girls bout...

I finally had a chance to finish up editing the pics from my girlfriends last bout, where by the way, she and my other friends won. They are all undefeated...woohoo. This is the first bout where the two teams split into four because there are so many people involved in the league now. I have friends on all the teams and take great pleasure in seeing them grow as skaters and athletes. A year ago, I never would have guessed the mad skillz that so many of them are showing now. So here are some pictures from the bout and major congratulations go out to all my derby girls for doing something so amazing. But mostly for overcoming their fears and doing something that so many others just wish they could do.

 Gear Checks...

 Jeni pivot, Smaxxx jammer...

 My little Risa has decided to let her bird fly...

 Getting stoked up for the bout to come...

 Zombrie warming up to kick ass...

Smaxxx getting her game face on...

 My girl laying the smack down on the other teams pivot...

 Thank you Sarah A-f for taking this awesome picture of my girl...

Post bout yummies at Red Robin with my beautiful girlfriend Smokin' Guns.

I had an amazing time, got peeved about some plays I was not too happy about but overall enjoyed being just a fan. I am so proud of so many of the girls. But mostly my Lisa...who has overcome so many mind traps to become an amazing blocker who other skaters hate to play against. Viva La derby.