When loyalty is in question.

Sometimes the rumors are true no matter how badly you want them to be false. You can’t really change what others say or think especially when those who know you, don’t bother to ask…blindly following the influence of others who know little to nothing about you. Well, in this case…me. I would like to think my intentions are fairly easily read and understood and that if someone has questions about why I do what I do, they simply ask. But over the last season, and most recently this last weekend…my intentions have been assumed, my loyalty questioned and actions second guessed. I have, despite living most of my life as an open book, had clearance for said actions and kept myself surrounded by positive people. But when one of those I held to a higher standard takes a passive aggressive barb at me, not only confirming the rumors but showing their belief in them being true…cuts deep. And I don’t know how to move past that.

I am a very passionate person. I feel deeply, for better or worse. It takes me a while to let others into my life, even longer to trust them and when that trust is broken…it starts a chain reaction of distrust that unfortunately shadows everyone in my life. Yes, I realize the actions of one or some should not ruin it for everyone…but I view a lot of my life in black and white. Leaving little room for other options, even grey has a hard time finding a foot hold. So in this moment of pain, in this time of seemingly endless questioning of loyalty, motives and actions…my immediate response is/was to bawl my eyes out, escape and not return. Normally, this is an easy function for me…I’ve been doing it all my life. But in this instance, not returning doesn’t feel like an option.

I love my league, my second home, my church…my family.

Maybe that’s why the pain goes so deep and hurts so bad.

 

 

I’m stuck. I’m scared. I’m hurt….and I don’t like how this feels.

 

Big Girls Do Cry...

I will be the first to say I’m one of those girls who hate to cry. I want to be seen as a tough girl, an independent girl, a self-sufficient girl…and sometimes an untouchable girl. I don’t want anyone to see my pain, let alone know that I am capable of feeling pain. I want people to think I have it all together, that I’m good at everything, totally with it and awesome. I need for people to think that what they say about me doesn’t affect me. Or what they don’t say, I notice. When people I would expect to say hi to me, walk right by me as if we are strangers. It takes a lot for me to reach out to people, to admit defeat or show weakness.

So when someone I have been weak with, breaks my heart, breaks my trust or questions my sensitivity…they get pushed to the farthest part of my heart. I make it look like it’s all good, that I’m not hurting from the betrayal or the severe loss of their place in my heart. But I know I’m the only one who hurts from it. They likely could care less. Sometimes the connection I make with others, I mistake as stronger than it really is. I overestimate my position in their lives and I’m pained every time I am left out of some major aspect of their lives. Again, I’m the only one hurting in that case. But I don’t know how to end the pain, end the relationship or admit that I thought I meant more than I really did. It all just makes my soul ache.

When I first started into derby, I met someone who I thought would be a good friend. Or at the least, a friendly face. Not sure what I did, or didn’t do in that case…but she spread rumors about me to everyone she could possibly talk to. Some rumors I heard, some I didn’t. But I promise that I didn’t get into derby for the girls, like she led so many to believe. What’s worse is when people who don’t even know you, buy into the bullshit and not one chance was I given. I’m friends with some now, who she told rumors to about me…so I hear the shit now that she said then and still says it appears. I’ve been out of this persons life for 3 years…blocked on facebook and I even stopped going to RCRG activities because of the drama she created for me so long ago. She and those who bought what she was selling led me to question the sport, the players, society in general. And while I cried a ton of tears then and now, I have to thank her because all that drama and pain led me to Jet City. My league. My home. My family.

Don’t get me wrong, there are those in JCRG that hurt me. But I was accepted the minute I walked through the doors there. I just finished my 4^th season with JCRG and I can’t imagine my life without that league. So many of my good friends have skated in that league, still do actually. Faces that make going through the doors even in the worst times of my life…comforting. People who have moved mountains just to reach a hand out to me. There are those at JCRG who break my heart…but I won’t ever tell them. Then there are those who with just a smile, a nod or “hey little buddy” make my heart full. And there are even times when someone will hug you so hard, they push your heart right back together. For a little while anyway.

So as I sit here rambling I guess what I really want to come out of this entry is…

1)     I overestimated my importance in the lives of some people. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. And I’m sorry I don’t handle it very well and spend so much time crying because you’re hurting me and you don’t even know it.

2)     I’m glad that some people don’t believe everything they hear, without that quality…no one would ever want to be friends with me. So thank you to those who gave me a chance. You probably have no idea how thankful I am for you.

3)     There are some of you who have no idea how important you are in my life. How much I look forward to seeing you every week. Not that you say anything to me…but you smile and make eye contact with me. And it’s genuine. You have no idea how much joy that brings this sad heart.

4)     Realize that what you say is one thing, what you do or…don’t do speaks louder than anything you could ever possibly know. Show how you feel. Before the chance is gone.

5)     I’m guilty too.

I’m not tough. I’m not put together. I’m not all with it. I hate who I am, I never feel pretty enough. When I cry I feel weak, but I cry a lot. I’m too sensitive, I overanalyze everything and realize that no matter what you say about me or think about me…it can’t possibly be worse than what I say or think about me. It’s the times I say I don’t care…that I care the most.

River Rats

I think sometimes we underestimate our value to the world. We underestimate our presence in the lives of those around us. Yet with the flip of a coin we often take others in our lives for granted. We fail to see how our actions impact others, how our intentions are not always pure despite our best efforts. We cover our inadequacies with cheap filler hoping that the world won’t notice just how insecure we really are with ourselves. For some of us it doesn’t matter if we are alone or in a crowded room…we just feel awkward. 

We are the only species that can be in the middle of a crowded space and still feel so alone. We are the only species that is capable of evil intent, revenge, remorse and forgiveness. So different yet so much the same are we to each other…all the while pushing and pulling those around us based on what value we assign them. Do we know the impact that we have on each other, would we know what to look for even if we knew?

The homeless man on the corner with a sign that he fought in the war and needs money…do you give him your change? Or do you try and look busy in your car to avoid making eye contact…

The woman walking down the street talking to herself, agitated and screaming to no one…do you duck into a nearby shop until she passes so you don’t have to talk to her? Or do you cross the street so you don’t get attacked…

The couple next door to your house where there is yelling at all hours of the night and day…do you go over and check in? Or do you turn your tv up louder and think that you need thicker windows…

The girl who shows up to the skate deck and sits far away from all the action but looks like she wants to know more…do you go up and introduce yourself? Or do you stay with your team, your clique and pretend she isn’t there…

The league member who comes off all funny and gives 150% to the league but leaves events early…do you ask why? Or do you go about your own thing and give little notice to anyone missing…

The kid on the bus that yells and hits the other children on the bus…do you stop her, kick her off the bus? Or do you let it go on so you don’t get involved in the problem…

Sometimes we are so busy we don’t see what’s right in front of us. Including seeing what we can offer the world, the impact our actions have, the helpfulness we can bring to another person.Even if that person, is us.

So that homeless man, he lost his house when he went to serve in the war after 9/11 to ensure another attack didn’t happen on US soil. That woman walking down the street, she had a psychotic break when her daughter was still born. The couple next door, the wife beats her husband because…well it doesn’t matter why. The girl who shows up at the deck, maybe that took every ounce of her courage just to make it that far but she knows how to skate and could be the best jammer you’ve ever seen. The league member, maybe the league is all this person has and just wants to be accepted before they leave derby behind. The kid on the bus, maybe she’s beat every night, and that’s the only way she knows how to interact with others.

There are millions of reasons for the way we act and react to things. But if could just look outside of ourselves for just a second and think of someone else…imagine how much better the world could be. Imagine how much better the world would be if we believed in ourselves instead of letting the world dictate how we should feel about us.  Imagine how relationships would flourish if just communicated with one another with love and caring instead of questioning the motives of another or just plain pushing them away. Can you even envision any of that?

Over the fourth of July I went tubing with a group of league mates in Monroe…it was great talking with people that normally I’m not often around outside the context of derby bouts. Joking, laughing, chilling and screaming for people to paddle so we didn’t hit rocks. It was awesome. I loved it. Even in the act of floating on my own and inhaling some river water…I felt cared for because my “sister from another mister” came and found me to make sure I wasn’t dead. She led me back to some of the others and after what seemed like forever, our little group was rejoined and saved by the kindness of a couple who trucked us out of the middle of nowhere…a place that was beautiful but reminded me of Children of the Corn. I was in significant pain but I wouldn’t have wanted to be with any other people than Jude, Mike, Nikki and Fuzz.

Now I pose this question…you see a bunch of strangers on your property looking like drowned rats…do you turn them away because you are in the middle of your holiday party or help them? Well, Jim and Paula of Paula’s Wine Knot Beer and Wine Bar took time out of their days events and helped us in a very desperate time. We had nothing but our sincere thanks to offer them.

So thank you so much for doing something so good for 5 drowned rats who thought they could handle the river. With everything that happened, I would still do it over again. 

When life and derby cross

When life and derby cross.

I love roller derby. I love many of the people in my league. I love my league. I love the sport. I love the athleticism, the strategy, the head games, the emotions, the passion and yes…even the pain. Players break records, bones and gear. League mates fight for bragging rights, awards, power and each other. It is on one level a very team oriented sport, but also a place where an individual can shine. Like baseball, soccer, football, basketball…any of the great games. Roller derby mirrors life with its lessons, heartache and unbridled happiness. You can meet amazingly wonderful people and some you would rather forget. If you have a closed mind, you won’t get very far but if your eyes are open…the track before you opens up to show you the way. Each day has 24 hours…a day and a night. When one day ends, another begins. Roller derby has 60 minutes…two halves and each jam is two minutes (and sometimes less depending). When one jam ends, another begins. Some days you start ahead and others behind. Some bouts you get lead jammer status, sometimes not. But you always live to fight another day…another jam…another bout…another season…and so on.Until that is, the time comes to retire or pass to the next life in whatever form that may take.

Life teaches us many things…who we can trust, who we can’t.Who to love, who is unworthy of our love. We learn that hot can burn and cold can freeze. We learn that not all strangers are friendly and sometimes our friends might as well be strangers. Along this journey we figure out that you can’t read a book by its cover, but sometimes the cover is the best part of the book. That shit is still shit even if you wrap it in a pretty bow and put sprinkles on it. And somewhere along the steps we take, we learn that no step is ever the same. No cloud ever the same, no drop of rain the same diameter or mass. Not one of us is the same as the next yet we unexpectedly share so many qualities. We all have hearts that beat, blood that flows, skin that senses touch, a brain with which to comprehend the words you are reading right now. We all seek to be unique but have a desire to fit in. We are all created with the ability to love and hate. To have and have not, to hurt and help, to accept and reject…to embrace and push away. Within each of us there is immense power to create or destroy…life, love…each other. We can hold another’s hand or a grudge. But only one has the potential to harm. We are in effect, natural contradictions.

I cannot imagine what my life would be like without roller derby. Without the friends who have become my family. The sport that has opened my mind and heart to more pain and happiness than I even knew could exist. A place where I can stand in the middle of a crowded track and feel alone yet stand in that very spot a minute later and feel more love and acceptance than any religion has ever offered me. Life says it will take you as you are, but it doesn’t. I know this, because we are all searching for acceptance…a place to belong, to feel loved and cherished. Since life doesn’t give it to us, we often end up searching religion for what we so badly desire. But for me, that didn’t go so well. In fact, that is where I learned to hate myself.We pray and pray for help…love and acceptance and sometimes our prayers can go unanswered for what feels like forever. And then one day, you turn around and your physical therapy assistant is a rollergirl. Not just any rollergirl I came to learn…but a derby goddess by the name of Carmen Getsome. It was then that life and derby crossed and my outlook on life has never been the same.

 

 Photo by Jules Doyle