Sometimes the rumors are true no matter how badly you want them to be false. You can’t really change what others say or think especially when those who know you, don’t bother to ask…blindly following the influence of others who know little to nothing about you. Well, in this case…me. I would like to think my intentions are fairly easily read and understood and that if someone has questions about why I do what I do, they simply ask. But over the last season, and most recently this last weekend…my intentions have been assumed, my loyalty questioned and actions second guessed. I have, despite living most of my life as an open book, had clearance for said actions and kept myself surrounded by positive people. But when one of those I held to a higher standard takes a passive aggressive barb at me, not only confirming the rumors but showing their belief in them being true…cuts deep. And I don’t know how to move past that.
I am a very passionate person. I feel deeply, for better or worse. It takes me a while to let others into my life, even longer to trust them and when that trust is broken…it starts a chain reaction of distrust that unfortunately shadows everyone in my life. Yes, I realize the actions of one or some should not ruin it for everyone…but I view a lot of my life in black and white. Leaving little room for other options, even grey has a hard time finding a foot hold. So in this moment of pain, in this time of seemingly endless questioning of loyalty, motives and actions…my immediate response is/was to bawl my eyes out, escape and not return. Normally, this is an easy function for me…I’ve been doing it all my life. But in this instance, not returning doesn’t feel like an option.
I love my league, my second home, my church…my family.
Maybe that’s why the pain goes so deep and hurts so bad.
I’m stuck. I’m scared. I’m hurt….and I don’t like how this feels.
No comments:
Post a Comment