When you walked away...

It's been two weeks or so since we raised our voices to each other, absolutely sure that the other was wrong. It's been two weeks or so since you walked away from me, I was trying so hard to tell you my side, share my feelings but you so set in your version of who I am that not one word I could have shared would have changed your mind. I called to you, asked you to come back...you looked over your shoulder but just kept going...right out of my life. Leaving both your other and myself just looking at each other with plenty of "sorries" to fill the void you just created. Like a vacuum in time, you walked away and left us without air. No answers. Just more questions.

I've been thinking of you both quite often, questioning my rational for the decisions that I take full responsibility for, would I make them again? My intentions were pure and true but sadly that caused pain for all involved. Nothing I could have said would have lessened the blow, given the anger directed at me before a single word was spoken. I could only speak my truth and at first I was sorry that it differed from your truth of who I am...but I'm not now. I am sure of what I want in my life. Who I want in my life. I want friends who act like friends, who say hi when the other comes into the room. Friends who text just for the hell of it. Friends who email stupid shit. Friends to hang with, laugh with and share good times as well as bad with. Since "the step back" our relationship has not met even the simplest of definitions of friends. I can walk right by you, without one word from you as if I am a stranger in your life.

We might as well be strangers if that is what friendship means to you. And to be honest, I have been mourning the loss of both of you in my life since "the step back" turned into "the step away." You didn't just back away, you left my life. For months I had wished to be more involved with your lives, to once again have witty banter via text or get a smile when our paths crossed. But only one of you acknowledged my existence. You didn't just step back...you totally left me. And while your actual walking away from me hurt like fire to my heart, and left me sobbing my way home to the point I had to pull off the road until I could see. It was a familiar pain. One I have been experiencing in small doses as I kept waiting for you to come back into my life. But you never came back. And I needed to make a stand. I am beyond saddened that my stand came on that day. I truly am.

There have been many miscommunication, unfounded judgements and misinterpretations that have led us to this point. But I needed you to know that your idea of being friends was not mine. I know you "don't give a shit about you being sensitive" but it is who I am at my core. I cannot change that. I also know that I cannot change the matter of factness your world view carries, nor would I ever want to. I was simply asking for a compromise in our views, to meet in the middle and realize that maybe what we each thought to be true could have variations. That not everything is black or white. No games, just me trying to reach out to you...telling you what I needed. Your other may have heard me, but I feel like you heard what you wanted to hear. Not giving me the chance to connect...in fact, you didn't even meet my eyes until you were yelling at me.

Actions speak louder than words...you told me you loved me but stopped long ago showing me. Again, the familiar pain of being in a room with you...5 feet sometimes and not one word or glance from you. Each and every time a mark was made on my heart, another slice chipping away at once was a really great friendship. I miss you. I miss you both. I won't deny or lie about that. I had to stand up for my heart...in fact you taught me that. You taught me so much...not to give a shit about others drama they try to suck me into. About loving myself, caring about myself...it was your teachings that were the foundation of my standing my ground. Not that it matters now, but you are one of the most important persons in my life...you both are. And I miss you...

I just needed you to know that I will always be here for you...for you both. If ever you need anything, I will do what I can to provide assistance. I think of you fondly, I adore you both. I love you both more than you know. You taught me to stand up for myself and I wish so much that you would have realized that was what I was doing when you walked away...