I will be the first to say I’m one of those girls who hate
to cry. I want to be seen as a tough girl, an independent girl, a
self-sufficient girl…and sometimes an untouchable girl. I don’t want anyone to
see my pain, let alone know that I am capable of feeling pain. I want people to
think I have it all together, that I’m good at everything, totally with it and
awesome. I need for people to think that what they say about me doesn’t affect
me. Or what they don’t say, I notice. When people I would expect to say hi to
me, walk right by me as if we are strangers. It takes a lot for me to reach out
to people, to admit defeat or show weakness.
So when someone I have been weak with, breaks my heart, breaks
my trust or questions my sensitivity…they get pushed to the farthest part of my
heart. I make it look like it’s all good, that I’m not hurting from the
betrayal or the severe loss of their place in my heart. But I know I’m the only
one who hurts from it. They likely could care less. Sometimes the connection I
make with others, I mistake as stronger than it really is. I overestimate my
position in their lives and I’m pained every time I am left out of some major
aspect of their lives. Again, I’m the only one hurting in that case. But I
don’t know how to end the pain, end the relationship or admit that I thought I
meant more than I really did. It all just makes my soul ache.
When I first started into derby, I met someone who I thought
would be a good friend. Or at the least, a friendly face. Not sure what I did,
or didn’t do in that case…but she spread rumors about me to everyone she could
possibly talk to. Some rumors I heard, some I didn’t. But I promise that I
didn’t get into derby for the girls, like she led so many to believe. What’s
worse is when people who don’t even know you, buy into the bullshit and not one
chance was I given. I’m friends with some now, who she told rumors to about
me…so I hear the shit now that she said then and still says it appears. I’ve
been out of this persons life for 3 years…blocked on facebook and I even
stopped going to RCRG activities because of the drama she created for me so
long ago. She and those who bought what she was selling led me to question the
sport, the players, society in general. And while I cried a ton of tears then
and now, I have to thank her because all that drama and pain led me to Jet
City. My league. My home. My family.
Don’t get me wrong, there are those in JCRG that hurt me.
But I was accepted the minute I walked through the doors there. I just finished
my 4th season with JCRG and I can’t imagine my life without that
league. So many of my good friends have skated in that league, still do
actually. Faces that make going through the doors even in the worst times of my
life…comforting. People who have moved mountains just to reach a hand out to
me. There are those at JCRG who break my heart…but I won’t ever tell them. Then
there are those who with just a smile, a nod or “hey little buddy” make my
heart full. And there are even times when someone will hug you so hard, they
push your heart right back together. For a little while anyway.
So as I sit here rambling I guess what I really want to come
out of this entry is…
1)
I overestimated my importance in the lives of
some people. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. And I’m sorry I don’t handle it
very well and spend so much time crying because you’re hurting me and you don’t
even know it.
2)
I’m glad that some people don’t believe
everything they hear, without that quality…no one would ever want to be friends
with me. So thank you to those who gave me a chance. You probably have no idea
how thankful I am for you.
3)
There are some of you who have no idea how
important you are in my life. How much I look forward to seeing you every week.
Not that you say anything to me…but you smile and make eye contact with me. And
it’s genuine. You have no idea how much joy that brings this sad heart.
4)
Realize that what you say is one thing, what you
do or…don’t do speaks louder than anything you could ever possibly know. Show
how you feel. Before the chance is gone.
5)
I’m guilty too.
I’m not tough. I’m not put together. I’m not all with it. I
hate who I am, I never feel pretty enough. When I cry I feel weak, but I cry a
lot. I’m too sensitive, I overanalyze everything and realize that no matter
what you say about me or think about me…it can’t possibly be worse than what I
say or think about me. It’s the times I say I don’t care…that I care the most.
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