During the down time between Wynonna Earp Season 4A and 4B, I’ve decided to take this period of mourning as a time of reflection and in so doing, I am watching and yes, rewatching various conventions on YouTube. Today I was watching the WayHaught panel from Earpercon UK 2019 and was struck by a moment where Katherine Barrell was talking about social media. “Social media is a beautiful and fun thing that we get to engage in but it’s not real, it’s not real life and you know you should never compare yourself to others, I think we all know that but it can be very easy to compare yourself to friends that look like they’re living these amazing lives. I like those shirts that people wear that say ‘I hope your life is as wonderful as you pretend it is on Instagram’. I mean we all know that Instagram is another form of media and we all know that media is manipulated and it’s there to entertain us but it’s not there to give us the true barometer of real life.” I think I must have rewound that segment a couple dozen times just so that I really heard the words she said, but also to give proper respect to words with intent that we all could use a little more of.
When I started shooting roller derby, I became obsessed with just how horrible I was at it because no matter what I did, my photos looked like shit compared to the photos that my mentors were taking. Everything was perfect from the lighting to the design...it was maddening. There were more days I felt useless than I felt like I had done anything right, and one day I confided to one of my most supportive mentors that I was thinking of giving up because it was clear that I would never be like him. He proceeded to tell me that “if you give this up, you will never forgive yourself. You are not meant to be like me, or have your photos look like mine. You bring different eyes to this sport and as such your photos will never be anything other than yours, it’s your vision that makes you good at this.” Admittedly it felt good to hear the compliment but I wasn’t sold on the notion that anyone would ever appreciate my work. It was about a week later that I found one of my old flash drives with photos from two years earlier, back before I was really working to improve my photography skills. I remember looking at the photos and before I knew it, the words “holy shit” escaped my mouth as things started to click in my mind, like finely focused shutter speed clearing my mind and giving me the ability to focus with added clarity.
The photos from 2010 looked horrible, but at the time I thought they were pretty good. The images were blurred, out of focus, tinted the wrong color or just plain gross. It was like looking at the artistic skills of a child in kindergarten. Fast forward to 2016 where I was disappointed in everything I produced but when comparing the difference between those years, I had made it to high school as far as skill acquisition. When I talked with my mentor about it he laughed and said, “you have to stop comparing yourself to everyone else. You forget that we all started with crappy looking images, but you also need to remember that we don’t show the world all our side B stuff, we only publish the side A stuff. You were spending so much time comparing your side B with everyone else’s side A...that’s just crazy. You would never be able to catch up that way. So compare yourself then, to yourself now. Have you gotten better, have you learned things, are there places that you’ve made strides in? If the answer is yes, then you should stay and continue getting better.” I’ve never been so humbled.
Fast forward to 2020, I stuck with roller derby photography, that destination took me on a journey to international photography, billboards and magazines. Eventually leading to shooting for the women’s football league both internationally and nationally and more magazines. Then came lacrosse and that took me to where I am now, shooting high school sports for the Marysville School District where I can capture moments in time that are just stepping stones in the growth of the newer generations. This wasn’t at all the direction I wanted to take this post, and I’m a little confused as to whether I should keep or delete it all, but ultimately, it is what it is. The lesson that I was quoting Katherine Barrell for still holds true, we have to stop comparing ourselves to each other, especially since we all don’t start at the same place or take the same roads with the same potholes. We try so hard to keep up with those we admire and look up to but forget that they are trying to keep up with others too, and rarely if ever do we see the mistakes and foibles that it takes to get to the beauty and perfection.
Social media for all it’s greatness can just as quickly destroy the best of us. There’s a certain amount of unashamed risk inherent in anonymity that makes us feel that we have a right to share our opinions regardless of the hurt it may cause. It’s a place where trolls manipulate and create division just for entertainment fodder, a place that removes safety and compassion from interchanges that cannot exist in that void. It’s easy in those moments to forget that real people are on the other end of the keyboard, with real thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams. It’s easy to hate what we don’t know or understand and despite the connection we have to people all over the world, I find us more distant and further apart than ever.
I may go against the grain on this, but I tend to be on social media the person you would find in real life. Rarely do I front for any lengthy period of time because I value authenticity in every form, and if I want to have it come back to me, then I have to put it out there. It is by no means easy to real and raw on social media given how easy it is to attack others with no threat of consequence, but hear me now...we all reap what we sow. I may not be the one driving the karma bus, but rest assured she will find you. To that end, I treat those near and far the same way I want to be treated.
With respect.
With honor.
With compassion.
With understanding (that doesn’t mean 100% agreement).
With the knowledge that we are all doing the best we can with what we have and that can change from day to day. We all carry our own cross, we all deal with our own inner demons and we can all do better.
We can all listen more and judge less.
To that end, #EarpKindly
::Katherine is not associated with writer statements. They are my own::
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