I can’t believe it’s been 25 years since Xena Warrior Princess appeared on television...suddenly I feel incredibly old, as if my muscles and joints didn’t remind me daily. I seem to always be late to the party when it comes to amazing television shows, currently the title belongs to Wynonna Earp as I was three years late to that party, I didn’t jump on the wagon with Xena until 1999, four years into production. At that time, I didn’t understand why I loved the show. It was cheesy, had lots of goofy one-liners and in all honesty had a plot that was crazy making. The storyline was full of inaccuracies but dammit, I just couldn’t get enough. The odder, the better...the more ass they kicked, the more I watched. With each season Gabrielle’s clothing got more form fitting and I was all in watching the ginger goddess beat the crap out of anyone who threatened her relationship with Xena.
Wait. Hold up. Did I just say form fitting? Relationship with Xena? Oh my God. Maybe I am gay? Oh shit, what if I’m gay? No...I can’t be gay. Wait, what is being gay even mean? Sure I had heard the word before, mostly when the bullies in middle and high school were shoving me in lockers, punching me and the words were always stained with vile hatred. I remember, like it was yesterday...walking the halls and hearing the words “dyke, fucking fag, carpet muncher.” I was often called a lot of names because I was fat, you know the usual “wide load, fatty fatty two by four” but I took more offense at being called a dyke because it honestly felt like more of an attack. Being fat was one thing, being a “woman lover” was beyond forbidden and laden with sin, strife and torment. So when Xena came along, there was just something that resonated with me, even though I didn’t understand it. The more I watched, the more I realized how beautiful their relationship was, the more attached I felt to the story, the journey and when the show went off the air, I was left mourning a relationship that had brought me so much joy, comfort and safety that I vowed to never fall in love with another television show. It took years for my heart to grow scar tissue over the wounds left behind that to this day still leave craters on my heart and soul.
I know it’s taking a really long time to carve a path through this journal entry, and I apologize for taking the scenic route but I write what comes to mind, and more often than not I have no destination in mind. So I thank you for walking along this path with me and hopefully you get something from it. If not, it was still nice of you to visit.
My world, much like so many others was turned upside down when COVID hit. The world stopped spinning, restrictions on where you could go and who you could see seemed to grind all of us to a halt. Movies stopped, production companies shut their doors, and sports vanished. It was the ladder that really shook me to my core because I live for sports. Not just watching them but doing photography is my passion and when that went away I was lost in an abyss that I had no coping skills to apply to help me keep my mind calm. Enter stage left...Netflix. First I blew through Flash, then Supergirl followed by Legends of Tomorrow, Batwoman, Dark Matter and then I had my mind blown by Wynonna Earp.
My world has never been the same...because Wynonna Fucking Earp.
I watched because Netflix recommended it, not because I’m into Syfy, demons, gunslingers or vampires..but I watched assuming it would fall to the wayside just like the rest.
It did not.
By the time the second episode of season one hit my screen, I was a goner. It was like getting a blood transfusion, I could feel the freshly rejuvenated cells coursing through my body and I was addicted. Seriously, life as I knew it before this show ceased to be. I know it sounds so overly melodramatic, but this isn’t a ‘fluff’ piece about a queer show, or potential cult hit. This is about finding a show that changes my world view, shows me that love can be found even in the darkest of places, that forgiveness can always be granted, that family is what you make it, and more than anything else...I’m perfect just the way I am because I can see myself on the show. There’s an example in every episode that celebrates being queer, finding love, making mistakes, working through disputes (as long as you aren’t a revenant) and loving whoever the hell you want. The show has become a part of who I am, what I can be and has shown me that I matter.
That’s why I put so much focus on #representationmatters, because it does. Had this show been around during my younger years, showing me that it’s okay to be who I am, I can testify that I know without a doubt, my life wouldn’t be anything like it is now. I wouldn’t loathe myself, I wouldn’t think I was a mistake or that my thoughts are bad or wrong. I would have had doctrine to offer counter arguments from that of my religion. Maybe, just maybe I could have lived a life worth living. So when this show came along, bringing an on screen relationship between Nicole and Waverly (known as Wayhaught), and it being one of respect, empowerment and independence...I suddenly was able to breath in fresh clean air, giving my stale lungs the oxygen to stand up and more forward. Wayhaught is an experience that I’ve never witnessed before, even in the representation of heterosexual relationships. The actors have taken such reverence and respect in portraying these characters, that the chemistry between them is unmistakable. Between the impeccable writing and the life that Kat Barrell and Dominique Provost-Chalkley breathe into Nicole and Waverly...you can’t help but be mesmerized and forever changed. It’s not porn, it’s not wasted movement, it’s not fluff for fluff sake, it’s not dirty sex for kicks or used to appease the lookielews. It’s real. It’s powerful. It’s everything that I never believed possible in my lifetime.
Can you imagine being 46 and finally finding your way through the haze and marshlands to stand side by side with others who feel just like you? I never thought it possible to find a group of people who love, inspire, encourage, support and cherish each other like we’ve been starved for simply existing. I found my family, my #duckingfamily who I zoom with weekly or more and it’s like having dinner with the family or game night. Sometimes we fight, and sometimes we cry, but every time we love, listen and support each other. The only thing that brought us together was Wynonna Earp. The more I get to know others that this show has brought into my life, the more I find our stories similar regardless of gender, sexual orientation, location and age. This show truly is speaking a language that knows, no boundaries. It is without a doubt, extraordinary.
So when I was given the opportunity to share my thoughts about Wynonna Earp and Wayhaught with Monica Rodman at the Washington Post, of course I recorded, then recorded again and then a couple more times to make sure I adequately conveyed the importance of seeing this relationship on television. I wasn’t sure if anything I said would be used, and honestly I didn’t know much about the vision for the end result and a few weeks passed after I sent in my submission...I just brushed it all off and kept on, keeping on. Eventually the article came out, I wasn’t quoted which was fine but I didn’t realize there was a video that accompanied the article. Then my Twitter DM’s blew up and suddenly I was face to face with myself and I cried. Not because I was in the Washington Post, but because I finally felt like I’m alive. There’s actual proof that I existed, someday when I leave this world, there is evidence that I was once here. I have no children, no one to pass my name to, no one that will miss me and carry my stories to...so, seeing myself on this video actually made me feel seen. The link below will take you to the article and video.
httpwww.washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/2020/08/30/wynonna-earp-midseason-finale/
I guess in conclusion I want to say that this journey I suddenly find myself on is totally unexpected and worth every freaking minute. It’s not without its drama and pitfalls, the fandom is just like every other group in society. There’s good, bad, indifferent but in the end the people you surround yourself will offer you the chance at not only finding yourself, healing yourself but empowering and growing into someone you never thought possible. It’s no small thing finding your tribe, the people who love you as is. For as much as COVID has wrecked the world, it led me to a show that forever changed mine. I joke with my found family (my ducking earp family) that I’m in a relationship with Wynonna Earp the show...but it’s kinda true. No matter what kind of day I had, how lost I feel I can watch the show and find a sense of peace that the real world won’t afford me. It may sound trite but this show has literally saved my life. And you want to know a secret...I am just one of millions who have the same story.
Never discount the passion that fuels those of us who have lived a life in the shadows, told we are broken and wrong...who have not witnessed burning love as it actually is in real life, on the screen. The tide is turning and best be warned now, the showrunner for Wynonna Earp, Emily Andras is on a mission...so when you hear a knock at the door, best answer. The strong female characters in her shows are just an extension of the strong female actors that breathe life into her vision. They are all coming to tear down the old ways and pre-established norms of conformity and for one, am here for all of it.
So what’s a gay...simple.
Me.
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