Place holder...

So my new ex and I were supposed to meet today to talk about how things came to this disastrous end. 10 minutes before she was supposed to show up she texted me to say she didn't feel comfortable meeting me face to face despite promising to do so. The conversation went basically like this...I don't dislike you, I can't pinpoint when I fell out of love with you but I knew in some form or fashion that after our last summer vacation that I didn't want to be in a relationship with you. That was 8 months ago...a million hugs ago, a thousand kisses ago, hundreds of dinners ago, hundreds of play dates ago, thousands of cuddles ago...and one year anniversary ago. At any time, any day, any moment she could have told me that she didn't love me anymore. Or in fact, didn't even like me anymore. Instead, the game played out even until the first break up that she said how much she loved me and enjoyed spending time with me. Only to now find out that being with me made her life horrible. Today I discovered that I was a mere place holder for when the right woman came along. I did everything I could in that relationship to embrace her, love her, comfort her, be there when she needed me, help her process things in her life...my love for her was as close to unconditional as anyone could get even when she started isolating, pulling away from me, apologizing for doing so, then doing it all over again...when days would go by that we hardly talked...I still loved her and put everything I had into making this work. But no matter how hard I tried, or what I did, or how many times I apologized for saying something wrong or doing something the wrong way...when it comes down to it none of it mattered at all because she was already gone. She just neglected to let me know.
So who pays the price of her silence, me and to some extent her son who I adore and love more than life itself. But he is resilient, strong, mature for his age and very compassionate. He will forget me, that is the joy of a 6 year old mind...memories will fade and he won't miss me after awhile. The one good thing that came from being in this relationship was him...and the last few times I was able to spend with him. He loved to lay on me and cuddle, last time before his bed time I got 19 hugs and 20 kisses. The last time I saw him, he hugged me so hard and told me he loved me. How could one little boy grow to mean so much to me? While the love of his mother for me vanish like it never was there?
My life as I know it for the last 8 months has been nothing but a lie covered in more lies gift wrapped with a bow. Her kisses were lies, her embraces were lies, the time we spent together just more lies. And when it came to the fact that she cheated on me with her new girlfriend...just denial. But I guess for her, since she left the relationship so long ago it must not feel like cheating...but it was. And it will always be. I have never been treated so badly, by someone claiming to love me. Nor have I been lied to and bought into it hook, line and sinker like this time. And I will work everyday to never be lied to like that again. At the start she promised me that if she ever stopped loving me, she would tell me right away so that hearts wouldn't be so demoralized...in the end, that too was a lie.
Someone else is getting the love that was promised to be mine, someone else is getting time with the little boy I grew to love and someone else now has my best friend. After her emotionless words to me today and the complete lack of respect for my feelings over the last month especially I am slowly coming to the realization that she is not the woman I fell in love with. That woman would have never done these things to me or hurt me to this extent. She says she feels awful, but since everything for the last 8 months has been a lie...why would I believe her now?

Your wish came true...

When I broke up with the girl I met while getting my MSW, she had dumped all my stuff on the front porch, drove away but left a her "goodbye" right on top. 6 or so pages of telling me how much she loved me, how much she wanted me back and then telling me how evil I am for hurting her, how she wished nothing but bad things for me the rest of my life and then told me that I will be hurt just like I hurt her. That the woman I fall in love with, who I think I will be with forever, will break my heart and leave me with little less than a goodbye. When I started my relationship with my new ex, I told her about that very letter and she promised me that would never be the case with us. Some promises should just never be made, since you can't back up the future. So I want to say to D.W...congratulations, you got your wish...my heart has been obliterated, my soul laid to waste...and I struggle being alone with my thoughts for they torture me day and night. I hope you are happy that you got what you wanted.
I've tried very hard to live my life by the rules of my mother...1) don't touch what doesn't belong to you. 2) A mother's love is forever and 3) Treat others as you would want to be treated. As I got older I realized mom was just talking about Karma...what you put out is what you get back. I wonder then if the recent loss of the love of my life equals me out in Karma's eyes? I crushed someone once, even though I left her for self preservation, and now I have been crushed...is my debt paid? Or is the debt really my being a gay Mormon...does it matter what I give to life...does it matter at all? Have I already ruined any possible chance of happiness?
Today was the first day I took a shower in over a week that I didn't spend the entire time sobbing. Progress perhaps...but the tears haven't stopped. I wonder if they ever will.

Tears that never dry...

It is so hard to have the life you thought you had been living for months turn out to be untrue. Was I blind...did I just not understand what was going on...should I feel like a stupid fool? Yes. It is amazing how two people can be in the same room, having the same conversation yet hear two different things. I have slept 12 hours in the last 7 days...haven't eaten any real food in two days...I've lost almost 10 lbs. Not that I mind losing the weight, maybe if I was more fit...she wouldn't have left me. Maybe if I'm fit, someone someday may love me. Did she love me? Am I even lovable? I have never cried so hard, so much and for so long as I have over the last 7 days. I have never wanted to die more than in the last 7 days. I have never hated my beating heart for beating like I do now. I try to go through the motions, go to work...do my job...try not to drive by her house to see if her new interest is there with her. I naturally assume that they are together, yet here I am alone. Even if I were in the middle of thousand people, I would still be alone.
I have an awesome mother who supports everything I do...she accepts me for me...accepts my being gay more than I do. But I feel that this pain is what I get for being gay. When my mom and my dog die...I have always said that I would kill myself because there is no reason and no one for me to live for. The only reason I am still alive right now...because no matter how hard I pray for my heart to stop beating...it still beats. And I don't want to leave my mom alone. I wonder if Mormons who kill themselves really go to hell? I mean, according to my religion since I'm gay, I'm already going to hell...so what's the harm in killing myself? Being gay is worse than murder...so really, what I do with my life doesn't matter.
I have struggled a lot in my life, gone through a lot of crap...and for about a year I was truly happy. Now, nothing really matters to me. Usually when people struggle they turn to their church...I can't. I don't have friends to comfort me. Just a dog that adores me and mother who deserves a better daughter.

When forever isn't.

5 years ago or so I found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The timing was off, so I had to wait. Then about 2 years ago my chance came and I acted on it, but it was a slow effort...when hearts get damaged, they are often harder to mend and her heart was damaged. About a year and half ago she seemed ready and after so much time and effort I found that the most beautiful woman in the world was dating me. She was not what I expected, she was much more complex and frail than I had even considered, yet that frailty made me love her even more. Things clicked, we talked all the time, texted, saw each other...I just couldn't get enough of this amazing woman. Before her, I had only dated "girls"...she was everything I could have ever wanted in my life. I worked hard to slow the "lesbian time line" curse, I wanted us to last and had I realized that forever would only be a year or so, I almost wish that we would have stayed friends. But the chance to love her, know her, and share her life was too great. Her gravity was more than my poor soul could resist. I have never been so happy, so content, so looking forward to the future. I had finally found my soulmate.
I know my story is not much different than others who have had their hearts ripped from their souls and crushed, I am reminded by my mother that she once was there...in fact she was about my age when she and my dad divorced. I by no means am the only one who is suffering from the loss of what I thought my future would look like. But it is hard to see outside my own suffering to consider the pain that my ex girlfriend could be dealing with as she knew this was the end result of our relationship long before I did. I feel blindsided, crushed and raw...I have lost my girlfriend, her boy, my future and my best friend. And while each of those hurt immensely on their own...the loss of my best friend hurts far more than the others combined. There are times I am angry, and have some of the most evil thoughts race through my mind, yet there are others that leave me like an open wound wishing I could have done something to make her happy and willing to stay with me.
But in this moment of quasi-clarity, I realize that loving her means not pretending that I had control of her happiness and I would never want her to be with me if it made her miserable. That wouldn't be love. At one point I thought we had planned to be together for a lifetime, but maybe that was just me. People tell me that I will make it through this, that my pain will subside, that I will find someone who cherishes me...but right now, every breath hurts and the idea of trying to love another is more than I can consider. While she takes solace with another, I am alone and wish I could make my heart stop. She is still the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and her faults and mistakes make me adore her even more. Yet each day I want to hate her so my soul will stop violently ripping apart. She will likely never read this...but I will never stop loving her and wishing that things could have been different.

Not my intent

I'm sorry if people mistook my blog for a pity party and felt the need to uplift my ever so dreadful soul. I was just sharing my thoughts. If you follow along, it will become a general running theme I'm afraid. Especially, now given the absolute obliteration that my heart is dealing with. I can be funny, I just don't have it in me right now. In fact, right now...I'm running on fumes.

I'm new at this...

I use to keep a journal, but that was long ago and what feels like a different life time. I've never thought about blogging, seemed a bit odd to me to just post your thoughts and feelings on web page for the world to see. But then it occurred to me that since no one really reads my posts on facebook, I doubt anyone will read my blog. Perhaps someday, maybe one or two people will give a damn about my life, what I've gone through, where I've been and what I would have liked to have experienced. As it stands now, it's just me, the keyboard and the screen that are clued into the fact that I have a blog. And frankly, I don't think any of us really care that I do. There's not much in this life that I know...but I do know that I don't have kids and I am the end of my mother's familial line and when I die, there will be no one to remember us, well, mostly me since I'm estranged from my family due to location and being gay in a religion that doesn't exactly embrace me. So I will rephrase...once I die, it will be as if I never existed. Maybe by putting this online, somewhere in the future some will find it and my existence won't have been for nothing. Oh, and if you are looking for super happy lovey dovey posts...you may need to wait a while.