So my new ex and I were supposed to meet today to talk about how things came to this disastrous end. 10 minutes before she was supposed to show up she texted me to say she didn't feel comfortable meeting me face to face despite promising to do so. The conversation went basically like this...I don't dislike you, I can't pinpoint when I fell out of love with you but I knew in some form or fashion that after our last summer vacation that I didn't want to be in a relationship with you. That was 8 months ago...a million hugs ago, a thousand kisses ago, hundreds of dinners ago, hundreds of play dates ago, thousands of cuddles ago...and one year anniversary ago. At any time, any day, any moment she could have told me that she didn't love me anymore. Or in fact, didn't even like me anymore. Instead, the game played out even until the first break up that she said how much she loved me and enjoyed spending time with me. Only to now find out that being with me made her life horrible. Today I discovered that I was a mere place holder for when the right woman came along. I did everything I could in that relationship to embrace her, love her, comfort her, be there when she needed me, help her process things in her life...my love for her was as close to unconditional as anyone could get even when she started isolating, pulling away from me, apologizing for doing so, then doing it all over again...when days would go by that we hardly talked...I still loved her and put everything I had into making this work. But no matter how hard I tried, or what I did, or how many times I apologized for saying something wrong or doing something the wrong way...when it comes down to it none of it mattered at all because she was already gone. She just neglected to let me know.
So who pays the price of her silence, me and to some extent her son who I adore and love more than life itself. But he is resilient, strong, mature for his age and very compassionate. He will forget me, that is the joy of a 6 year old mind...memories will fade and he won't miss me after awhile. The one good thing that came from being in this relationship was him...and the last few times I was able to spend with him. He loved to lay on me and cuddle, last time before his bed time I got 19 hugs and 20 kisses. The last time I saw him, he hugged me so hard and told me he loved me. How could one little boy grow to mean so much to me? While the love of his mother for me vanish like it never was there?
My life as I know it for the last 8 months has been nothing but a lie covered in more lies gift wrapped with a bow. Her kisses were lies, her embraces were lies, the time we spent together just more lies. And when it came to the fact that she cheated on me with her new girlfriend...just denial. But I guess for her, since she left the relationship so long ago it must not feel like cheating...but it was. And it will always be. I have never been treated so badly, by someone claiming to love me. Nor have I been lied to and bought into it hook, line and sinker like this time. And I will work everyday to never be lied to like that again. At the start she promised me that if she ever stopped loving me, she would tell me right away so that hearts wouldn't be so demoralized...in the end, that too was a lie.
Someone else is getting the love that was promised to be mine, someone else is getting time with the little boy I grew to love and someone else now has my best friend. After her emotionless words to me today and the complete lack of respect for my feelings over the last month especially I am slowly coming to the realization that she is not the woman I fell in love with. That woman would have never done these things to me or hurt me to this extent. She says she feels awful, but since everything for the last 8 months has been a lie...why would I believe her now?
Wow, Deb,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I've thought you had been struggling with some of this, but didn't know most of the details.
I have so many thoughts but am afraid I will ramble and e-mail really isn't the best venue for sharing them... but here goes.
Religion... I believe in a loving God. I believe God doesn't make mistakes. Religions are human interpretations of how to relate to God... I have a hard time believing that a loving God can create someone as beautiful and caring as yourself and at the same time condemn you to misery because of one (albeit significant) aspect of your life.
I think it's important to ask yourself: Does your church provide enough positives in your life to balance the pain that you feel because it doesn't accept you as you are?
I grew up Catholic and still consider myself to be Catholic. Both of our religions have rigid teachings about sex and sexuality. Whether gay or straight the rigidity can be suffocating. I continue to struggle with balancing what I was taught growing up and how that relates to me as an adult.
About your relationships: What I saw when we were in our MSW program is that you seem to lose yourself in your relationships. When you meet someone and develop an intimate relationship, you let go of a lot of the rest of your life. Paradoxically, I think this puts you in a situation where you don't have a support network to keep you stable. I know I feel most crazy when I let myself spend less time outside of my relationship with M. I love him, but I need other people to both appreciate him and get away from him for awhile.You seemed to have had a more balanced relationship this last time than you did previously. Progress, not perfection, right?
I believe you are meant to meet someone you will love, who will love you and you both will be happy together. I also believe that when you are able to take care you and your needs, you will find this person and you will compliment each others idiosyncrasies.
Take care of you, Deb.
P.
I know the last thing you probably want is sympathy from some distant/random cousin ;) but I really am so sorry. That sounds awful. I can't even imagine being in your position. Just the thought of losing my best friend hurts. The pain must seem unbearable at times. I have hope that you can get trough this, though.
ReplyDeleteIt maks me sad to read some of your blog/facebook posts. You are so honest and able to express yourself very effectively through writing. I hope that writing it all done has been helpful, at least a little. Just know you got someone thinking and caring about you.
Take care of yourself. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
R.
I am so sorry, Deb. She definitely did not handle things with class. I am sorry for you. I have been reading your blog and just feel so sad for you that she hurt you like she did. I want you to know from the bottom of my heart though, for what it is worth; You have a huge heart and are tons of fun to be with and really have tons to offer in a relationship. I hope you know that you can feel proud of what you have to give and what you do give to the people you help every day. I really admire you, Deb. Loving yourself for what you are I think is really important. And I know that this probably sounds cheesy but I hope you can feel confident to kneel and pray about this heartbreak because the Lord can heal our hearts in ways that we can't on our own. I need this lesson too lately, I haven't been relying on the Lord like I know I could be for a while and I do believe that He knows us and can be there for us. I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I honestly don't feel like Anji deserves you though. But I can only imagine how hard it would be to be without companionship so that probably isn't too comforting. And for that I am really sorry.
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