When I broke up with the girl I met while getting my MSW, she had dumped all my stuff on the front porch, drove away but left a her "goodbye" right on top. 6 or so pages of telling me how much she loved me, how much she wanted me back and then telling me how evil I am for hurting her, how she wished nothing but bad things for me the rest of my life and then told me that I will be hurt just like I hurt her. That the woman I fall in love with, who I think I will be with forever, will break my heart and leave me with little less than a goodbye. When I started my relationship with my new ex, I told her about that very letter and she promised me that would never be the case with us. Some promises should just never be made, since you can't back up the future. So I want to say to D.W...congratulations, you got your wish...my heart has been obliterated, my soul laid to waste...and I struggle being alone with my thoughts for they torture me day and night. I hope you are happy that you got what you wanted.
I've tried very hard to live my life by the rules of my mother...1) don't touch what doesn't belong to you. 2) A mother's love is forever and 3) Treat others as you would want to be treated. As I got older I realized mom was just talking about Karma...what you put out is what you get back. I wonder then if the recent loss of the love of my life equals me out in Karma's eyes? I crushed someone once, even though I left her for self preservation, and now I have been crushed...is my debt paid? Or is the debt really my being a gay Mormon...does it matter what I give to life...does it matter at all? Have I already ruined any possible chance of happiness?
Today was the first day I took a shower in over a week that I didn't spend the entire time sobbing. Progress perhaps...but the tears haven't stopped. I wonder if they ever will.
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