It is so hard to have the life you thought you had been living for months turn out to be untrue. Was I blind...did I just not understand what was going on...should I feel like a stupid fool? Yes. It is amazing how two people can be in the same room, having the same conversation yet hear two different things. I have slept 12 hours in the last 7 days...haven't eaten any real food in two days...I've lost almost 10 lbs. Not that I mind losing the weight, maybe if I was more fit...she wouldn't have left me. Maybe if I'm fit, someone someday may love me. Did she love me? Am I even lovable? I have never cried so hard, so much and for so long as I have over the last 7 days. I have never wanted to die more than in the last 7 days. I have never hated my beating heart for beating like I do now. I try to go through the motions, go to work...do my job...try not to drive by her house to see if her new interest is there with her. I naturally assume that they are together, yet here I am alone. Even if I were in the middle of thousand people, I would still be alone.
I have an awesome mother who supports everything I do...she accepts me for me...accepts my being gay more than I do. But I feel that this pain is what I get for being gay. When my mom and my dog die...I have always said that I would kill myself because there is no reason and no one for me to live for. The only reason I am still alive right now...because no matter how hard I pray for my heart to stop beating...it still beats. And I don't want to leave my mom alone. I wonder if Mormons who kill themselves really go to hell? I mean, according to my religion since I'm gay, I'm already going to hell...so what's the harm in killing myself? Being gay is worse than murder...so really, what I do with my life doesn't matter.
I have struggled a lot in my life, gone through a lot of crap...and for about a year I was truly happy. Now, nothing really matters to me. Usually when people struggle they turn to their church...I can't. I don't have friends to comfort me. Just a dog that adores me and mother who deserves a better daughter.
Deb - I don't know what to say except that my heart aches for where your spirit is right now and how much I wish I could help you heal the pain. It's so tough when the past hurts that bad, the pain seems like an everlasting present and there seems to be no hope for happiness in the future.
ReplyDeleteI guess all I can request is that you allow your community (blog and otherwise)to stand with you and hold you up in love while you feel you are foundering. We are there for you and the world would be bereft of who you are if you stepped off the planet. I am so thankful you are blogging what's going on. Please keep blogging, please keep communicating - both the ups and the downs - and being down is okay.
I hesitate to give advice while you are feeling this way, however I want to let you know of a wonderful resource I have turned to in times deep despair and was able to chat/email in confience with some of the most loving people. I credit them with saving my life on several occasions. Here's the link - http://www.samaritans.org/. They respond daily, sometimes more depending how often you respond to their emails. They don't try and talk you out of how you are feeling, but they do listen, I mean really really listen...and truly care.
Remember, people love you and you are never ever ever alone....
With kindness,
MMM