When forever isn't.

5 years ago or so I found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The timing was off, so I had to wait. Then about 2 years ago my chance came and I acted on it, but it was a slow effort...when hearts get damaged, they are often harder to mend and her heart was damaged. About a year and half ago she seemed ready and after so much time and effort I found that the most beautiful woman in the world was dating me. She was not what I expected, she was much more complex and frail than I had even considered, yet that frailty made me love her even more. Things clicked, we talked all the time, texted, saw each other...I just couldn't get enough of this amazing woman. Before her, I had only dated "girls"...she was everything I could have ever wanted in my life. I worked hard to slow the "lesbian time line" curse, I wanted us to last and had I realized that forever would only be a year or so, I almost wish that we would have stayed friends. But the chance to love her, know her, and share her life was too great. Her gravity was more than my poor soul could resist. I have never been so happy, so content, so looking forward to the future. I had finally found my soulmate.
I know my story is not much different than others who have had their hearts ripped from their souls and crushed, I am reminded by my mother that she once was there...in fact she was about my age when she and my dad divorced. I by no means am the only one who is suffering from the loss of what I thought my future would look like. But it is hard to see outside my own suffering to consider the pain that my ex girlfriend could be dealing with as she knew this was the end result of our relationship long before I did. I feel blindsided, crushed and raw...I have lost my girlfriend, her boy, my future and my best friend. And while each of those hurt immensely on their own...the loss of my best friend hurts far more than the others combined. There are times I am angry, and have some of the most evil thoughts race through my mind, yet there are others that leave me like an open wound wishing I could have done something to make her happy and willing to stay with me.
But in this moment of quasi-clarity, I realize that loving her means not pretending that I had control of her happiness and I would never want her to be with me if it made her miserable. That wouldn't be love. At one point I thought we had planned to be together for a lifetime, but maybe that was just me. People tell me that I will make it through this, that my pain will subside, that I will find someone who cherishes me...but right now, every breath hurts and the idea of trying to love another is more than I can consider. While she takes solace with another, I am alone and wish I could make my heart stop. She is still the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and her faults and mistakes make me adore her even more. Yet each day I want to hate her so my soul will stop violently ripping apart. She will likely never read this...but I will never stop loving her and wishing that things could have been different.