When tomorrow's ruined before today even starts...

The boy you see here, is one of the most wonderful things that has ever entered my life. My ex doesn't want me to see him to say goodbye to him...or she is being very unhelpful should I say. I awoke to a text this morning telling me that she assumed that when I told her on the phone (during our goodbye that was supposed to be in person) to tell him that I loved him, that she figured that was my goodbye to him when earlier she had promised that I could see him. She says, "no that just won't work and I haven't talked to him about it yet." But she told me earlier and my mom that she had already talked to him and that it was "absolutely" a good idea that I see him. But then again she promised a lot of things...more lies I guess. Her promises have become much the same as her "I'm sorries"...meaningless. I don't know what she has told him or if he is worried that I have just up and left him...but I'm stating it here and now, I love you more than you will ever know, I miss you, I pray for you...I'd give anything to hold you again and joke with you about farts. Even on my worst days, you were able to bring a smile to my face...you are indeed a blessing from God, and I'm a better person just by knowing you. I love you Z.
I keep wishing that the stages of grief were linear so that I could be confident in knowing that each day will be better than the last, but it doesn't happen that way. One minute, I'm sort of okay and busy at work going through the motions. Then a quiet moment happens and I'm fighting back tears. It's really hard for a multiple of reasons...but one is that my ex's new girlfriend works right across the street from my office and I have to deal with her agency and her regarding housing for clients. I hear her name and my heart sinks to the floor...knowing she has what has been ripped from me. My soul will never recover from this betrayal...I likely will never trust another person with my love, honesty, loyalty, devotion, or my heart. The damage so violent, so raw, so exposed. At the start of our relationship...she was the last thing I thought of before sleep and the first thing I thought of when I awoke. It is still the same, but for a very different reason. The happiness, love and excitement is gone, replaced with fear, loss and tears. I guess more than anything, even more than the cheating...the 8 months of lies is what really kills me. And continues to stab what's left of my fragile heart. It lay in tatters, strewn about the floor...dirty, stepped on, barely beating...and I still to some degree hate that it still beats. No matter how hard I pray, I cannot stop what she has set in motion nor can I stop the beating of the very heart she has obliterated. It beats even when I will it to stop. I wonder if God is sitting back laughing at what a fool I have been...is he thinking this is what you get for being a fag, dyke, lesbian, gay? Is heart ache and torture all I have left in this life...