Milestones...mini markers of progress

Today would have been my ex's and I's 19 month anniversary...though we never really made it to 18 months. Come to think of it, it lasted 8 months longer than she would have wanted it to but I thought today would be really hard for me being our anniversary date. Surprisingly, it wasn't. Today actually marks a major milestone, today I was able for the first time in about a month to listen to the radio. I had to stop listening early in May because every song in some form or another reminded me of her...her love, her friendship, her little boy...the future that slipped through my fingers no matter how hard I held on. There are still some songs that make my heart weep, and my soul cry out for the love I once had...but I can keep it together much easier now. I can laugh and smile without feeling like my very essence is a lie. It is slow going, but going nonetheless...some days are easier than others but I was blessed that today wasn't as hard as it could have been, for this soul is still weary from the swinging tides of losing someone you had planned to live forever with.
I am beyond grateful for my family members that have stepped in to try and fill the cavern in my heart that still remains and will likely remain for some time. I have spent a lot of time with them lately, and regardless of how they feel about my being a lesbian, they by all appearances love me anyway. Their children bring me much happiness but also make me sad for the loss of Z in my life. He is often on my mind, in my prayers but I know he has many wonderful people in his life to care for him.
I am also thankful for those members of my family that attend the temple who have put my name on the prayer list...I feel a remarkable sense of calm lately that was lacking just two weeks ago when I was an absolute mess. I still don't feel that God hears me, but I know that those who are lucky enough to go inside the temple have a special audience with Him...and I thank my family for all the prayers all across the US, in more temples than I could ever know. I am by no means over my recent heartache, but every day I gain more perspective and everyday, I come to realize that there are others in my life that love me...those I may not even know personally. I would feel lost right now without the loving guidance of my friends and family as some days I barely hang on. But for now, the ripping of my soul has stopped and the blood no longer gushes freely...no matter how you see it, it is progress.