The woman I waited years for, only to lose...

I thought perhaps I should back up a bit, to explain why this break up has been so hard on me aside from the obvious reasons. About 5 years or so ago I was in a company training, I saw this beautiful woman sitting one row up and a couple chairs to my left. We hardly interacted, but I thought to myself that I wanted her to be my girlfriend...my partner. Over the course of the training, I learned that she was in a committed long term relationship, I made sure to remember her name and face so that in the future she could be mine. Two girlfriends had come and gone when next we met, she was a guest speaker for one of my MSW classes...I could hardly believe it. She even more beautiful then I remembered. Her hair was longer this time, wavy and brown. Her smile still had me smitten. She now had a little boy and was married to her partner. Alas, my time had not come, her voice was like an angel, her face flawless. We didn't get a chance to talk then and so once again the woman I knew I wanted to marry was again lost to me.

Once I graduated with my MSW I started work for Compass Health as a Mental Health Professional working with clients who were just being discharged from Western State Hospital. I attended a housing meeting in my building and I heard her voice, it was unmistakable. She was unmistakable. In she walked...beautiful as ever. Her face seemed colder, older but still amazing. Her eyes were cold, dark but nothing would deter me from trying to get to know her. Once I learned she had divorced her partner and was now a single parent, I renewed my efforts to win her over or at the very least become friends. She spurned each and every effort I made until finally she asked me to stop. I did...just figured she didn't like me and so I put my desire to be her girlfriend to the side, I just wanted to be in her life...at this point I didn't care what that looked like. She had a habit of inviting me to things and then cancelling at the last minute and one day came about a year later where she again made a comment inviting me to her home for a football game...I challenged her, and she finally opted to follow through.

So a year after starting at Compass and leaving her alone as requested, she invited me over to watch a football game. We talked endlessly about anything and everything. She told me about why her previous relationship ended and about what she wants in life. I told her about my being Mormon and the turmoil it creates in my life that is gay. A couple days later we went to play pool, walked around Greenlake all the while she was starting to love me. I had no idea as I had resigned myself to the fact that she didn't like me like that. We would chat on line, and then one night she told me...told me that she felt more for me than friendship. I about died right then and there. We started dating, having to keep it quiet since it could be frowned upon at work, she seemed less angry, less hard. Her eyes brightened and the details of her amazing eyes shown through with a light still unparalleled. Beautiful, soft green eyes with oval bursts of yellow streaks. She was stunning. Even after learning all about her faults, her mistakes, the parts of herself she hated and things she wished she could change...it all just made me love her more. Her fragility made me love her more. I had finally found my soul mate. I fell in love with her little boy who brought me endless joy and laughter. She became my best friend and I thanked God everyday for them in my life.

Fast forward to now...she is with another whom she started to see while still trying to save our relationship, I have not seen her little boy in two months, I have not spoken to her in about the same amount of time. I still see her in my dreams and my nightmares. Some nights I fight to wake up from my dreams and some nights I want to dream forever. When she left me, she took much more than my future, my soul, my heart, the little boy I came to love as if he were mine, my soul mate, my best friend, my ability to enjoy any aspect of life, but mostly my trust in others and the desire to ever love anyone or have anyone love me again. As it stands now, I walk around in a haze...going through the motions because I know that those around me are tired of seeing my pain. I waited so long for her...and it appears it will take even longer to heal from the decisions she made. Right now, the only thing that I carry that helps me survive, is my anger for all that she took from me. Sigh.