3 days...

This is the last day of my vacation, part of me wishes it would never end. I so deeply want to be riding the ferry back to Kingston, driving a couple hours and reaching the coast. The sun on my face, it's warmth reaching every fiber of my being. I so want to get back to where the only thing you hear are the waves crashing onto the shore and the occasional bird chirping happily. I didn't really plan out where I was going, I had no time table and no phone to answer (not like anyone calls me) due to being so far out in the middle of nowhere, there was no cell service. I made Forks my home base and traveled up and down the coast line, visiting waterfalls, jetty's, reservations, gift stores, beautiful driftwood laden inlets, miles and miles of rain forest...I could go on and on. And for the most part, I did. I only stayed at the motel long enough to take a shower and sleep, all my time was spent playing outside in the sand and surf. Aside from Forks, I visited Ruby Beach, La Push, I hiked to 3rd beach and thought I was going to die, I went to Rialto Beach, Neah Bay, Port Angeles, Hole in the Wall, and a ton of places in between that I have no idea what they were called. I met a lot of really nice folks on my journey from as far away as the East Coast.

I had 3 days of pure bliss, 3 days to think about only me, 3 days to find whatever it is I was looking for. And for those 3 days, I wasn't sick, my stomach didn't hurt...I didn't need my anxiety medications, I felt calm, relaxed and well...free. No cares about work, no thoughts of Anji or any of the shit that has happened over the last few months. It was just me being me and loving every minute of it. I was finally happy. I felt all the happiness and joy seeping out of me while riding the ferry back to Edmond's, the minute I got off the ferry I changed...it all changed. All the peace and serenity I found on the Olympic Peninsula gone, the void filled only by sadness. I have my headaches again, my stomach hurts, the anxiety and OCD has returned with a vengeance and I am again faced with the reality that I can't for the life of me get rid of thinking about Anji cheating on me and the lies she told for 8 months. Ugh. Mom says that every now and then I get this urge to runaway, just leave and go some place where people don't know me and just start over. She is right. Between having a really hard job with a super high burn out rate and working just a few blocks from Anji's house make my life really hard to deal with. I kind of feel like it's killing me, ever so slowly choking the life out of me. I want a redo, I want to start over...I want this life to be done so I can ask for a second chance. I'm not happy...and I only am realizing this now because for 3 days, I was.