Tuesday, July 6, 2010
From ashes to dust...
Tonight I took all the photos of Anji and I, her love letters, her cards, some of her gifts other misc. items and had a bonfire. I wrote her a two page letter telling her how I felt, what I wanted and what I needed to have happen. Straight to the point about how I feel regarding her lying and betrayal...my anger and resentment. The evil side her actions have brought out in me that I never knew could exist. I sat there putting in letter after letter, the poems I was writing her, the love letters I was writing to her...so and so forth until the fire raged 3 feet tall. I want to cleanse my life of her, the memories, the plans, the laughter, the tears..all of it. I was there for her during her most heart breaking times, with her mom getting cancer, her "vices" that could have doomed her, accepting her for who she was. Those too went up in flames. I want to be in control of my life, I want to be happy, I want to live and love. I want my mind free of the all consuming thoughts of her and the pain she has caused me. So tonight I burned what was left of her in my life. I pray God helps me let go and not try to take the burden back. Nothing but ashes remain of us, and I'm trying to save myself from becoming nothing but dust.
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My friend,
ReplyDeleteThe action you took demonstrates enormous courage and insight. Letting go in a way that has meaninful (via a fitual or ceremony) tells your body you are physically moving on, but signals the spirit, you mean it.
And once somethings is burned,it automatically becomes hisorical, beause one cannot keep returning to objects of affection if they are not there. That will eventually work to ease off the pain.
At this time, do you think you could fill your scheule with more fun things to do to keep that feeling of peace and serenity? It sounded like it was powerful and I wonder if there are creative ways you could keep it - or go back to it in a visceral and concrete way.
At anyway, you are forever changed. Lost and retained relatiohsips do that to us. I have every confidence that you can develop a "new normal." And find out what that is for you is an adventure. I think we give a lot to be invested at relationships with work/accounts/clients and then at the end of the day we need to fill our "love tank" but seeng peopel and doing self-supportive activities that affirm your worth will do that.
Keep bloogging, this is good stuff.
MMM