Anger turns a soul black, forgiveness purifies...

I by no means had the worst childhood, nor the best. I wanted for nothing, lived a simple country life out in the middle of no where...the closest town had just one blinking yellow light at a three way intersection. My dad was gone a lot, in fact I don't think I realized what a dad was until I was close to 6 years old, he was all over the world working but when we moved to this little town south of Olympia, Tenino, he was home more, kinda like what I thought a real dad did. He worked the night shift at the Centralia Coal Mine working on the giant Caterpillars that moved millions of cubic feet of coal every day. He worked hard but still was gone a lot, and when he was home things didn't always go so smoothly, I often angered him by doing the simplest or smallest things...he would hit me for my mistakes, often call me names. Growing up, I just assumed that was how dads acted. Once my parents got divorced, life didn't change that much...it had for the most part always been just mom and me, so I guess it was back to life as I knew it.

From the age of 12 until about 25 I harbored such anger toward him for how he treated me, and my mother. For his abusive nature, his temper, his lack of what I felt was any sort of love for me. I never seemed to do the right thing with him growing up, mistakes and mistakes...his love was all I ever wanted, and at the time I thought it impossible. After taking some psychology classes and spending time with friends from church at Central Washington University, I decided the time had come to confront my dad seeing how I was the only one suffering the ill effects of how I was treated as a child. He could care less, whereas I suffered from one thing or another on an almost daily basis. The time came to talk, his recollection of things were very different from mine, for the most part he denied most things. I wanted him to apologize for hurting me so badly as a child...I didn't get it.

I spent more time angry, and began praying that God give me the strength to forgive my dad. Understanding that he did the best he could at the time, that he parented the way he was parented, that he was abused as a child and that was all he knew. I realized that he didn't really understand how to be a father, he tried his best...as we all do. Sometimes our best isn't good enough and some days it is. After many prayers to forgive him, one day I woke up and my anger, fear and resentment were gone. I truly felt as if the slate had been wiped clean. From that moment on, he and I started a new relationship with or without any apologies...because it didn't matter anymore. I forgave him. We have a much different relationship now as adults, I can't imagine my life without him, I cherish every time I get to spend time with him. I have watched him grow into a real father who has accepted his mistakes, but not himself. He is a more thoughtful and compassionate man than he once was, and I know without a doubt that without God's grace and love...I never would have forgiven him. Dad, I love you more than you could ever know, and I know that because I have forgiven you, so too has God even though you don't forgive yourself. You did the best you could and I understand that now. You've grown into a wonderful man and loving father. Thank you.

My reason for this long winded post is that I again find myself at the space I spent years in before, where I was the only one tortured by the things that had happened to me. I was the only bitter for the lies and betrayals. Each day I find new reasons to hate my ex more and more, almost loathe her existence for how horribly she treated me and all the lies she told, and how I bought into them so easily. And for the relationship with her son that has been ripped from my life. I am angry...and it is all consuming. I hate feeling this way, but I don't know how to get past such complete and utter destruction of a soul. I need to...I am the only one suffering. She has a new girlfriend, a new life, happiness and joy...as if I never existed. I don't want her having this much power over me and I'm tired of being consumed by my anger and pain. Perhaps it is too soon, perhaps I lack the appropriate measure of understanding...in any event, it is killing me. Slowly turning my soul black. How do I forgive such betrayal? Sigh.