Crystal balls are never clear when we need them to be.

I had lunch with one of my most cherished friends today...she talked about her girlfriend and issues with needs being met, and I talked a little about how I was doing since the break up with Anji. Good food and great company. We've known each other for almost 3 years and each time we separate for whatever the reasons, we get together and it's like nothing has changed. She is good people. Thanks for being there for me Christina...even when I wasn't so good to you. The reason I bring this up was our conversation about needs. I remember Anji stating to me over a year ago that she didn't feel like she could live up to my needs, that she couldn't meet or provide them. Each time I would be caught off guard, would ask if there was something I had done or said that made her feel that my needs weren't being met? She always said no, that it was her issue and that she has always had to meet other people's needs and that I guess I fell into that grouping. Her comments about not being able to meet my needs increased in frequency until it was almost a weekly thing. And each time, she said it was her issue and that she was misreading her emotions and that it wasn't anything I did or said. So I believed her and it has bothered me since she originally began saying it...do I somehow have higher needs than other people in her life? Am I demanding, needy? Two and half months or so after she blindsided me with the break up, a conversation with a friend and I think I just may understand what the heck all the "meeting needs" talk was all about. But it was about me, but not because of expectations I placed on her.

She was right...she couldn't meet my needs. Without my knowing, she knew for some time that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me...the only things I ever asked of her (needs) was that I have a girlfriend that loves me, is committed to me and is honest with me. She must have known earlier than I could have ever known that she couldn't do those three things...thus, she couldn't meet my needs. So it was about me in the fact that I just wanted a committed, loving, honest relationship, not that I was being overly demanding with outside needs. All that time, she told me she couldn't meet my needs but it never occurred to me, mostly because it never went said, that she knew deep inside she could not be that kind of girlfriend with me. She never told me, never worded her concerns as more than just "it's my issue" and I can't help feeling that if she would have just freaking grown a pair and had an honest conversation with me, she never would have lied, never have had broken all those promises or cheated on me. There was a time we could have just sat down and talked about it instead of her forcing her thoughts and feelings down and worked this all out before the damage became so bad that I wanted to kill myself...before she had to make me question everything and everyone in my life...before she took her little boy from me. So much anger and sorrow that could have been avoided. But it is too late for that option...the damage has been done and her promises broken to a thousand pieces, just like my heart. Did she know how she felt all along and just try to hide it, try to pretend that she loved me and could be with me? I don't know. I'm not sure I care really. The longest I have gone without her memory assaulting my senses is three days...when I was away on vacation, far from her and her new lover. But I have to learn to exist in the same city, I have to learn to work a few blocks from her house, I have to learn that she fucked up and let a damn good thing go and it didn't have to go down like this. At some point she will realize just what a good thing I was, how accepting of her shit I was and then the realization that she will never have me again, not even as a friend...I don't want my name to ever cross her lips.

I think we all know the crystal ball is perfectly clear and shiny when we look at it for historical reasons, hindsight is after all 20/20. It is truly a horrible thing that when we look into the crystal ball for current or future reasons, it is hazy, clouded and shrouded in mystery. Answers never come easy, we make mistakes, we find ourselves on the ground without even knowing we have fallen. Some people stay down for fear of falling all over again...for the most part that describes me. But I don't think I want to be that way anymore...I am not the first nor the last person in the world who has or will be blindsided by a lying, cheating partner. I need to get my ass back up, brush the dirt off, check to make sure my hair still looks fly and move on. It really doesn't even matter what way I go...so long as I get up and go. The longer I stay down, the harder it is to get up. So I'm going to try...try to get up despite feeling as if the weight of the world is on my back holding me firmly to the ground...try to get up despite memories that kick me in the gut and stomp on my hands and feet while I try to stand up. The scars are deep, my soul feels tattered, blood stained and crusty with the dirt that I have been laying in for a few months now...they will rip as I try to rise...and bleed again. But I must get up. God willing I will get up...and then move. But for now, I will concentrate and put all my energy into just getting up off the ground. Yep, time to get up.