The vacation we planned, that didn't include me...

Tomorrow AJ and I would have been leaving to drop off Z with his grandparents and then heading to Black Butte in Central Oregon for a couple days of R and R, silence, togetherness, treasure hunting, rock collecting...overall relaxing good time. Black Butte is paradise. From her parents condo you can see two of the three Sisters Mountains in the three sister range. There's wild horses, geese, chipmunks, bats, raccoons, a lake and endless amounts of quiet. Possibly the most relaxing place on Earth I think. I was only given the chance to go two times, and each time I was amazed at how quickly the hustle and bustle of life slipped away making room for the peace and serenity of those very tranquil woods. I miss it horribly. She and I were making our vacation plans...all the while she knew the vacation would never happen since she knew long before we started planning it that she was going to end our relationship. Which begs the question, why carry on the charade for so long? Why sit and plan and work out the details of a vacation you never had any intentions of going on with me?

So now, I imagine she will take her new girlfriend (the one she started seeing while still with me) JK on the vacation that was supposed to be mine and AJ's. Just another thing that JK has that was once mine. And yet another jab to a heart that has yet to heal from the lies and betrayal that seeped its way into my life. I will miss Black Butte, and the peace it brought to my soul. But I'm hoping that I can find a new place that will help wash away the chaos of my work life and the loneliness that is my personal life. I am in the initial stages of planning my new vacation that starts tomorrow...lots of driving, lots of woods, lots of photo opportunities I hope anyway. I have a slight idea of where I want to go and an even slighter idea of how it will happen, but I plan to pack lightly, and go where the car takes me. I am hopeful that somewhere along my journey I can find some peace...both for my soul and my mind. The past few months have taken a heavy toll on me...there were times I didn't think I would make it. Times where I willed my heart to stop beating, times where my only thoughts were of killing myself, times where anger and revenge raced through my mind. I never asked for this, never asked to have my life turned upside down, but it's not the first time and I'm sure it will not be the last. When I came out to my church friends, I lost my support system and the ones who swore to love me no matter what-left me. The situation with AJ isn't much different...lies, betrayal, and abandonment. Each time it just takes a different form.

I am thankful that I have a mother who loves me, more than I love me. Who accepts me for who I am more than I do. She is an inspiration and if I am able to grow up and be half the woman she is, then maybe God won't send me to hell for being gay. Without my mother by my side, I would be dead right now...instead, I'm planning a trip that could take me just about anywhere because the vacation AJ and I planned together, never did include me.

PS. Dad it was great seeing you this weekend and going through old photographs of family with you. I don't get to see you near enough but I want you to know that I forgive you and I love you.