Processing...

I had my initial therapy appointment with my psychiatrist today...a lot was discussed and I need time to process how I feel and where I'm mentally at. So until I am able to share my thoughts about it...I thought I would post a paper I did for one of my MSW classes.
Dear Prophet,
As Heavenly Father has appointed you to be the leader of our church, I do my best to uphold and pay great reverence to your name. Because God has chosen you to spread His gospel, I speak to you in the most respectful manner possible. I have struggled mightily all my life with some of the tenets of this religion, done all I am able to do while remembering that I am a child of God and as such have a great sense of responsibility that those outside our religion would never understand. There are those that find this responsibility of returning home with honor an easy load to bear, however, those like me or who struggle like me, find the weight almost impossible to carry. It is our cross to bear, as Latter-day Saints fulfilling God’s plan I understand.
But do you not ever fall to the floor, crying out to the Lord that the weight breaks you? Do you never feel the sorrow of your fellow brothers and sisters who have been shunned, tormented, or isolated because of their sexual orientation? Do you ever miss the ones that have taken their lives because there is no place on the face of the earth for them to seek solace once our religion has rejected them for something they had no control over…for something God Himself had created? Do you ever in silent prayer feel our pain? Do you not realize that the tears we and our loved ones shed could flood the earth?
As you are well aware, our religion regards homosexuals as sinners of the highest kind, assigning us to the same level as murderers, adulterers, and those that reject the Holy Spirit. All sins that are never to be forgiven, all reasons to be excommunicated, and completely removed from the records of the church…in effect, erasing our very existence. In fact, just writing this letter is an outright betrayal of my membership, frowned upon and never encouraged. But I feel such an overwhelming need to express my feelings to you that I must use my free agency, which is God given, to share with you the cross that I carry.
I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints since I was baptized at the age of 8. I attended all the classes, seminary, and church all the while carrying a silent sense of self-hatred and disgust. Can you imagine an 8 year old hating her very existence, hating her every breath and knowing somehow that she was unfit to walk this earth? That 8-year-old girl is now 32, and those feelings have only continued to grow, become more heavy, and burdensome. During my adolescent years I just felt different though I didn’t understand why, but I kept my thoughts and feelings secret. Only God really knew what was going on with me.
When I was 24 things started making sense. I met people who described feeling just like me. But to my horror, they were homosexuals, and I had always been taught that they were sinners. Suddenly, I found myself in a very hard place because as we (gay saints) all know, being a Mormon and being gay just doesn’t mix. I tried hard to ignore my feelings and thoughts. I had boyfriends and planned to live a very heterosexual life. But I hated myself even more because I wasn’t being who I felt God made me to be. What was worse was that the religion that I based my entire existence on, that I had trusted all my life, that had made me into the woman I was…hated me. I lost my friends, my family, my religion, and my God. Instead of being the soul with a grand plan and design that God Himself had set in motion, I was now a wasted shell, a body just taking up space. A tormented soul with nowhere to turn and no one to trust. Before becoming aware of who and what I was, I at least had God to turn to believing that He loved me. But after being told that I was unnatural and that God hated me, I was suddenly alone. The people and religion that I clung to for support and guidance took my Heavenly Father from me, stripped me of my salvation and eternal life.
I mention all this because I’m angry that even my childhood wasn’t sacred. It is true that I may not be living the life that God had created for me. But it’s not because I’m gay. It’s because my soul was never cherished, fed, valued, or encouraged to grow. My religion’s rejection created a lost, tortured, and despised soul that will never be what it could have been. I may never be the glorious woman that God created me to be, and my soul is just one of the thousands of souls that have been laid to waste because someone deems themselves more worthy of His love then mine. As God’s messenger, I hold you responsible for those of us who have been murdered by our own hands or the hands of others because of our homosexuality. God is a God of love, acceptance, and mercy. He could never hate us just because of who we are and who He created us to be. Instead of teaching His love, you have taught us to hate, discriminate, and judge. All things God and Christ wanted us not to do. Why can I not be loved, cared for, respected, freed from torment, and cherished because I’m gay? Why does that make it impossible for me to return home with honor? Why does that make my heterosexual peers better and more worthy than me? Why must my soul be laid to waste?
I realize it is impossible for you to understand the pain I carry. I also understand that you are just a man that is doing what you feel God wants you to do. We are all just doing the best we can, and that’s really all God has ever asked of us. But at some point even you, high atop your perch as Prophet, must be made aware of the tortured, and suffering souls that need your acceptance in order to feel God’s love. We need to hear it from you because you are God’s voice. There are so many of us that to ignore our plight would be a great tragedy. I am your sister through Christ and as such I pray you hear my voice and the beat of my heart that cries out for the love of my religion. I pray that I find my way through this life, learn to embrace my strengths, and help others like me do the same. Just maybe that is my calling, to share the light that I know is somewhere inside me with others who can’t see through their pain and suffering. I realize through your eyes I will always be a sinner and will never hope to attain God’s full glory, but if I can help save just one soul from the pain of losing God’s love and acceptance, then maybe I wasn’t such a waste of space. I also hope that when you reach heaven you will be surprised to find who is and who isn’t there. God’s love and mercy are far more reaching than I believe even you have the ability to understand.

With Love,
Sister Debra Carlsen