At the base of the Mountain...

It always bothered me when people would use the analogy of "you can't see the forest through the trees." I just didn't get it. What do you mean you can't see the forest...you're in it. I don't know why I felt that I needed to share that with you, but it's there. So do with it what you will, maybe it will make sense when my fingers are done typing the words that have yet to come to mind.

I am struggling today, not that I never do, each day is often a struggle for me...I struggle to fall asleep, I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, I struggle driving into work, I struggle dealing with clients that show little progress all the while draining my efforts and compassion past their reserves. I struggle dealing with my coworkers for any number of reasons, I struggle meeting the continued pressures of my job in the midst of shrinking resources, I struggle finding happiness in a career that sucks the life from you...but I'm really good at what I do. Sigh. Some days I am strong and capable, full of life and energy and some days are like today...slow, demanding and depressing. I struggle just trying to be like everyone else. Why is that everyone else seems so happy and that good things so easily come to them while others struggle? Life is confusing, and it vexes me so at times. Again I have no idea why my fingers type these words, I do not censor myself here, in this place...this blog for all to see. My exterior so put together, intelligent, confident, collected and happy. My interior...moody, depressed, anxious, worthless.

I wonder sometimes what people must think of me after they read my words, when they find me to be such a contradiction in motion. Will they think less of me because I am not the cocky flirt that I portray? Will they think me defective? Do I think me defective?

This roller derby thing has me so conflicted, so torn between who I see myself as and the person inside that really wants to be me. Confusing I know. Welcome to world. It's like I'm an active, beautiful, confident, athletic woman inside...stuck underneath all these layers of fat and depression and years of tapes playing in my mind about the placement of fatties in society. What's worse is that you can have 20 positive comments of support and "you can do it" statements and then get just one that only has a hint of "I don't think you can do this" lingers the longest. Why is that we always put more emphasis on the negative than the positive?

So here I stand, after getting out of the car...paying the parking fee outside the trail that twists and turns steadily upwards through the trees and disappears in think brush and foliage. In the distance I can see the mountain, steep, ragged, intimidating...I have yet to move my feet from the concrete to the rocky path before me and I stop, "can I really do this?" Not only do I have heavy feet, bad knees, a backpack full of emotional baggage that I must go forth with...I carry 36 years of fat and weak muscles that must see this 270 pound woman up the trail through the forest, over logs and through streams until I finally find my way to the base of the mountain.

But that is not the end...it is only the beginning. My real test, my real challenge, my real goal is to climb that mountain. I have mentally prepared myself...taking stock of my strengths and weaknesses. I wish there was a cable car to take me to the top, but there is not...this is my journey. There are not many things that I ever complete, but I can't half ass my way through this. It is all or nothing. With a deep sigh I stare down at my feet willing them to move forward, look upwards to the mountain, pull my straps tight, secure my keys and my right foot lifts off the concrete...