Yesterday's Epiphany...

I have been struggling with my current inability to grasp roller skating...well, struggling is putting it much too lightly. I think about skating pretty much all day, everyday and even at night. I go to bouts and scrimmages to watch the girls skate...not just to watch the sport but to watch how they do their crossovers, toestops and the way they find their center of gravity. For some reason I keep thinking that while I watch them play, a light will go off in my head and suddenly everything that has been eluding me about skating will suddenly make its self aware to me. I read the WFTDA rules and regulations, I NSO, I am working so hard to pick up all the finer points of this, only to have the major point lost to me. Why the hell can't I skate yet, and why is this so frustrating to me? Why is it that I am cocky and determined in most areas of my life but when I strap skates to my feet, suddenly I'm a coward? Urgh.

Driving home from work yesterday, it suddenly hit me. Like it really hit me...in fact, I would swear that I heard a chorus of angels singing and the sky opening up revealing the suns glorious rays. Okay, I'm being a bit dramatic but for the most part it really did feel like this. I get the most compliments about myself when I am being cocky, I don't know why that is, but for whatever reason, people find me way more appealing and attractive when I'm cocky. It was so simple it was genius...I am cocky and determined and confident when it comes to things that I have a full understanding of, things that I am very good at, things that I have for lack of better words...mastered.

These are some things I am cocky about...

• My clinical background and expertise


• My photography


• My writing


• My dancing


• My sense of humor


• My loyalty to loved ones


• My ability to be a great friend


• My kissing


• My ability to please a woman


• My ability to piss off a man


• My driving


• My quick learning of roller derby rules and game play


• My ability to flirt a woman off of her feet

These are all things that I do very well, and am very proficient in. Some I had to work my ass off for, but most came natural to me. So where exactly is the epiphany part of my commentary...well, if I could just get skating to be something I can be cocky about...then maybe it won't be so hard for me to do. Or vise versa...if I could get good at skating then I could be cocky? I need a certain level of cockiness to succeed in anything...I think it's what all the rest of you guys call "believing in myself" I just happen to call it by a different name. While I realize that this may not seem all that important to you, it was a major block being removed from my thinking. I understand that it is good in theory and I have yet to figure out how to implement this epiphany...it is a start...and that's what I needed. A start.

Herbalife...weight update

So to try and keep me honest and working towards a healthier me...I will post updates every now and then regarding my weight-ins. Yes I realize I am fat. I also realize that I need more muscle...so please no commentary on what I could and couldn't break if I sat on something. Thank you. Started Feb 14th 2011 at 274 lbs. Today I am at 262 lbs. I have continued my best to eat things that are whole grain and do not have bleached, enriched or high fructose corn syrup as contents. I have also started Herbalife to try and help me get the nutrients that I for the most part don't get because I tend to starve myself. I have a long way to go to my end goal...any and all support is much appreciated.

Derby saves...

Last week was a rough one for me...seemed like anything that could go wrong, did. Perhaps it wasn't just last week rather a culmination of several things combining to wreck my mental status. At this moment, I have so much I want to say but have no idea in what order to tell the story. It's kind of like that for me even in real time, I'm random and flighty and at the first sign of something shiny, I'm off. Eventually I come full circle but there are times it takes a very long time and the circle has a diameter of the sun. There is so much I reveal about myself on my blog site that I intimidate even myself. I wanted this space to be a place I could feel safe enough to show even the darkest parts of who I am...the good, the bad...the unknown. With that said, I still don't open up fully to share some of the thoughts I have that should remain hidden in the darkest spots of ones own soul. Whether we admit it to ourselves or not, we all have aspects of ourselves that we never want to see the light of day. Most of the time I can keep a lid on those dark sides of who I am, last week was not one of those times.

For those who follow me on facebook, may have noticed my update about unfriending my family so that I don't shame my mother with my goofy, flirty, gay, derby talk. The very fact that my mom asked me to stop talking about those things hit me pretty hard. Especially since she has accepted me as a lesbian longer and more fully than I do. So I guess that sort of opened the flood gate for my break down. That combined with my continued sucktasticness of skating, still hurting from my earlier fall tearing some of my quad, a trusted coworker quitting and leaving the state, and feeling like the butt of some inside joke with some new derby friends just made space for the perfect storm. Oh, and the end of April-start of May marks the one year anniversary of learning that my then girlfriend stopped loving me some 8 months earlier and then cheating on me with a mutual friend...so yeah, did I mention epic sucktasticness?

So a familiar feeling embraced me to the point of suffocation...and I suddenly found myself back in high school...hating life, hating myself, being abused by others, judged, teased, made to question my very existence. I have worked so hard to move past all that, and to feel myself there again was physically painful and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it. Who do I trust when everyone who knows me only knows the goofy, flirty, funny and obnoxious side of me? I went to practice Tuesday despite feeling that I don't belong there...everyone else skates so much better than I do, even the "green" girls. I feel like my derby name should have been Teflon, because try as I might none of the learning or skills I am trying to master will stick. So I sat out practice since I wasn't clear to skate yet, I don't know what other people saw, but I wanted nothing more than to leave and never come back. I felt a little better while cheering for my team mates...feeling like maybe I was helping even if it was only due to my cheering for them. I fought back tears the entire night. Then my coach skated over after practice to talk to me, I told her that I didn't feel like I belonged there. She then told me her story, and I began to cry. She is an amazing woman, who inspires me greatly and I don't want to disappoint her.

Coach "Hot Flash"

I wanted to talk to a team mate, but she was busy with her friends...I needed to find out if I am nothing but a joke to her. Something that provides her endless amusement...but it didn't happen and as I got in the car to leave...I lost my mind. So I drove and drove...and drove. I played music in my car so loud that I couldn't hear anything when the car finally came to a stop. I cried myself to sleep that night. Truth be told, I didn't want to wake up the next day. I didn't want to wake up at all. Ever. I decided to take a facebook and phone break which caused some people to wonder where I was and if I was okay. Which totally shocked me. One friend texted me, then another, then voice mails. And I can say with 100% certainty that I love with all my heart Rabbit Shankaho and Scissor. Without them, well...it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that I love them and thank them for their words of comfort, and making me laugh again.

Scissor...

Rabbit...

Friday I woke up feeling a little better, I started back up on facebook and found that Jennifer was worried about me as well. And while I am still shocked that people give a shit, I realize that without derby in my life...none of them would be in my life. None of you would know me. And whether or not you like what I post, or what I share in this space...I am me and I don't know how to be anyone else. I am weak, fragile, emotional, deep, funny, goofy, flirtatious, cocky, loud, shy, insecure and who the hell knows what else. I am complicated. I am also loved, more than I want myself to believe. And derby is instrumental to who I have become...who I hope to evolve into.

Jennifer...

I know without a doubt that I need a major attitude adjustment. I need to have faith in myself. I need to believe that I can skate. I need to be THUNDER...I need to let the negativity go, and embrace my alter ego...actually, I need to find who my alter ego is. So that when I am learning to skate...I let go of deb and her fucking insecurities, failures and insecurities. Sure everyone says I can do it, everyone says to be positive, and believe in myself...but no one has been able to tell me how to do it. It is so much easier to say and point out then to actually define the action of doing it. How does one go about letting go of the shitty parts of myself and nourishing the good parts so that I can become this great person that I DON'T THINK I AM. Do you guys get this? It's like the damn chicken and egg. Ack!

Listen, I'm not out to save anyone...just myself.

Evolution into Derby

I have been meaning to write for some time now, yet when I sit down to compose my thoughts I can't seem to stop the them long enough to put them to paper(screen). The last few weeks have been busy...I am doing something derbyish almost every night of the week, which I totally love. I started "skating" with Seattle Roller Derby on Tuesday nights and have met some wonderful and amazing people. Thursdays I am getting my NSO on with the Jet City Rollergirls. Saturdays get reserved for Emerald City Co-op skating at the Rat's Nest in Seattle. Any days not listed I hang at home or go see other bouts that are happening up and down the I-5 corridor. I have been embraced by Jet City and enjoy watching them bout...as they had two excellent bouts this last Saturday. These girls hit hard...really hard. For some reason, they seem to hit and land harder than those players on Rat City. I like the venue where Jet plays...it is smaller, and you are closer to the action and the players. Feels more comfortable and the players are more approachable. I had an extra good time because I got to spend the time with a new great friend, Dixy DethDlr from the Bellingham Betties, Red from Emerald City Co-op/Seattle Roller Derby and none other than the worshiped Quadzilla. He is like a god to most of the derby world, to me he is just another guy. But a very funny one. It was an experience sitting with derby royalty.

This was the first time I actually got to meet Dixy face to face after a month or so of texting/emailing and facebooking. I have to say, she is an amazing woman...and a superfantabulous skater. Simply amazing. I look forward to our friendship.

Dixy got into the bouts free for volunteering...here she is "guarding" the door. She may be small, but she can knock you to the floor.

Not only has Jet City embraced me with open arms, so too has the Rose City Rollergirls in Portland. While I am not down there, a friend of mine has talked with them and they are very much in need of a fan and person like myself. They want me to volunteer and help out, and they want to teach me to skate. I've actually had members of some local leagues tell me that once I learn to skate, they would love me to be on their team. For once in my life, being fat...er, large is accepted and desired. While I may not be skating as well as I would like to be, I can now stand up in my skates and use my toe-stops. It may only be 2% of what I need to know, but dang it, it's something. In the meantime, I am learning the details of the sport...derby has gone from this macro level of viewing where as a fan I just see the game and the players to as an NSO, micro level of watching all the characters that play a role in making sure the bouts even happen. From the set up, to the take down...there are a lot of people involved and a lot happening that the general fan has no clue about. I am learning rules, conduct, tracking, penalty tracking, score keeping, line tracking etc. It is intense...and I'm loving every freaking minute of it.

This sport has totally changed my life...I know I can't compare it to the birth of Jesus...but it holds that strong of a marker in my life. There is deb pre-derby and deb post-derby. Post derby I am diz ruptive thunder...number 120 decibels. I have derby sisters from all over the world who cheer me on, encourage me and make me laugh. I have met some amazing women here in the Northwest that want me to succeed...who treat me like a great person, who laugh at my jokes...and not at me. They listen when I complain, they tell me to get up when I fall...and had it not been for derby, none of them would be in my life. How sad is that?

Life is odd...mysterious and challenging. This time last year was horrible for me...my then girlfriend had stopped loving me and was just with me because she didn't want to break up. And then she started cheating on me. Life was at an end...I was done. I was prepared to kill myself, knowing that I would be alone in this world (mom I'm not saying you aren't there for me, you are my best friend so please don't be offended). Then derby came into my life...and I was reborn. If derby was a religion...I would convert. Somehow I think God had this in mind though, and he saved it for just the right time. While I have struggled and continue to be challenged, and while there are people/leagues that shun me...derby as a whole has changed my life...I have evolved. I can't wait to see how this turns out.

Derby Lessons...

Since entering the derby world 6 months ago, I have come to realize many things. I also realize that while I have learned much, there is still more yet waiting. So in no particular order, here is some of what I have come to know...

-Derby can be like middle school, with cliques and posse's and people who think they are better than you.

-Derby is like life...you get out, what you put in.

-Derby is like a family. You can tease each other but if someone from outside the family does the teasing, all heck can break loose.

-Derby is more than a sport, it is a way of life....and becomes life.

-Derby brings with it sorrow and pain that can almost break you.

-Derby brings with it unparalleled happiness, joy and love you otherwise would never know.

-Derby gives you friends that are there to pick you up when you fall down.

-Derby gives you friends that cheer you on, when you don't think you can skate one more lap.

-Derby gives you friends who believe in you when you question all you know.

-Derby gives you friends who accept you regardless of what you do, who you know, what you look like or how fat you are.

-Derby challenges everything you think you know about yourself.

-Derby humbles you.

-Derby makes you grow not only as a skater, but as a human being.

-Derby is hard. Really hard.

-Derby brings together people from different walks of life from every corner of the world.

-Derby makes you want to live a healthier life.

-Derby has bitches.

-Derby has heroes.

-Derby gives you a chance to prove yourself...as a failure or a success.

I have had good and bad experiences so far in derby...I've had people judge me, hate me, talk trash and lie about me. I've also had people encourage, love and cheer for me even though they didn't really know me. When I have been at my lowest in this sport, there has always been a hand sticking out, waiting for me to grab hold and get back up. Where there is heartache and exclusion given from one league...there is happiness and acceptance given from another league. I have been very blessed to have such love and support in my life...and friendship granted to me for no other reason than my love of the sport.

Over the last month, I have gone from giving up on it and walking away entirely, to a renewed love and appreciation for the details of the sport I so dearly care for. I am thankful for Anya Heels, Cavina, Red, Scissor, Melissa, Jennifer, Dixy, Susan, Gretchen, Jessica, Barney, LeAnn, Helen, Grace, Karma, Pandora, Pax, Vani, Maximum Stride and Tiffany. If I left someone out, please let me know and I will rectify the situation.

Oh...I have a derby name now. Diz Ruptive Thunder number 120 decibels. The name courtesy of Dixy DethDlr and the number courtesy of Anya Heels.