Derby saves...

Last week was a rough one for me...seemed like anything that could go wrong, did. Perhaps it wasn't just last week rather a culmination of several things combining to wreck my mental status. At this moment, I have so much I want to say but have no idea in what order to tell the story. It's kind of like that for me even in real time, I'm random and flighty and at the first sign of something shiny, I'm off. Eventually I come full circle but there are times it takes a very long time and the circle has a diameter of the sun. There is so much I reveal about myself on my blog site that I intimidate even myself. I wanted this space to be a place I could feel safe enough to show even the darkest parts of who I am...the good, the bad...the unknown. With that said, I still don't open up fully to share some of the thoughts I have that should remain hidden in the darkest spots of ones own soul. Whether we admit it to ourselves or not, we all have aspects of ourselves that we never want to see the light of day. Most of the time I can keep a lid on those dark sides of who I am, last week was not one of those times.

For those who follow me on facebook, may have noticed my update about unfriending my family so that I don't shame my mother with my goofy, flirty, gay, derby talk. The very fact that my mom asked me to stop talking about those things hit me pretty hard. Especially since she has accepted me as a lesbian longer and more fully than I do. So I guess that sort of opened the flood gate for my break down. That combined with my continued sucktasticness of skating, still hurting from my earlier fall tearing some of my quad, a trusted coworker quitting and leaving the state, and feeling like the butt of some inside joke with some new derby friends just made space for the perfect storm. Oh, and the end of April-start of May marks the one year anniversary of learning that my then girlfriend stopped loving me some 8 months earlier and then cheating on me with a mutual friend...so yeah, did I mention epic sucktasticness?

So a familiar feeling embraced me to the point of suffocation...and I suddenly found myself back in high school...hating life, hating myself, being abused by others, judged, teased, made to question my very existence. I have worked so hard to move past all that, and to feel myself there again was physically painful and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it. Who do I trust when everyone who knows me only knows the goofy, flirty, funny and obnoxious side of me? I went to practice Tuesday despite feeling that I don't belong there...everyone else skates so much better than I do, even the "green" girls. I feel like my derby name should have been Teflon, because try as I might none of the learning or skills I am trying to master will stick. So I sat out practice since I wasn't clear to skate yet, I don't know what other people saw, but I wanted nothing more than to leave and never come back. I felt a little better while cheering for my team mates...feeling like maybe I was helping even if it was only due to my cheering for them. I fought back tears the entire night. Then my coach skated over after practice to talk to me, I told her that I didn't feel like I belonged there. She then told me her story, and I began to cry. She is an amazing woman, who inspires me greatly and I don't want to disappoint her.

Coach "Hot Flash"

I wanted to talk to a team mate, but she was busy with her friends...I needed to find out if I am nothing but a joke to her. Something that provides her endless amusement...but it didn't happen and as I got in the car to leave...I lost my mind. So I drove and drove...and drove. I played music in my car so loud that I couldn't hear anything when the car finally came to a stop. I cried myself to sleep that night. Truth be told, I didn't want to wake up the next day. I didn't want to wake up at all. Ever. I decided to take a facebook and phone break which caused some people to wonder where I was and if I was okay. Which totally shocked me. One friend texted me, then another, then voice mails. And I can say with 100% certainty that I love with all my heart Rabbit Shankaho and Scissor. Without them, well...it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that I love them and thank them for their words of comfort, and making me laugh again.

Scissor...

Rabbit...

Friday I woke up feeling a little better, I started back up on facebook and found that Jennifer was worried about me as well. And while I am still shocked that people give a shit, I realize that without derby in my life...none of them would be in my life. None of you would know me. And whether or not you like what I post, or what I share in this space...I am me and I don't know how to be anyone else. I am weak, fragile, emotional, deep, funny, goofy, flirtatious, cocky, loud, shy, insecure and who the hell knows what else. I am complicated. I am also loved, more than I want myself to believe. And derby is instrumental to who I have become...who I hope to evolve into.

Jennifer...

I know without a doubt that I need a major attitude adjustment. I need to have faith in myself. I need to believe that I can skate. I need to be THUNDER...I need to let the negativity go, and embrace my alter ego...actually, I need to find who my alter ego is. So that when I am learning to skate...I let go of deb and her fucking insecurities, failures and insecurities. Sure everyone says I can do it, everyone says to be positive, and believe in myself...but no one has been able to tell me how to do it. It is so much easier to say and point out then to actually define the action of doing it. How does one go about letting go of the shitty parts of myself and nourishing the good parts so that I can become this great person that I DON'T THINK I AM. Do you guys get this? It's like the damn chicken and egg. Ack!

Listen, I'm not out to save anyone...just myself.