Burn it down

Newest favorite song lyrics...and EXACTLY where I am emotionally right now.

Better get the matches
Better get some gasoline
I'm tearing up the pictures in our book of memories
And gather 'em up into a pile on the floor
We don't need them anymore

The floor in this house has been soaked through with tears
But that won't matter when the fire starts spreadin here
It won't be long till it all goes up in smoke
Till the sparks grab a hold

[Chorus:]
Let it all burn
Bring it on down
Watch it all go up in flames
Let give out
Let cave in let it bring down everything
Let it rise up
Till this love is nothing more than ashes on the ground
Ohhhh burn it down

I'm tossin in the laughter and the smiles we knew before
I'm tossin in the secrets that you carried through our door
And throw those nights that you looked me in the eye
And you told me that you loved me in our bed of lies.

[Chorus]

You think you know what love can be
Till you find you don't know anything
Just pour out your heart till there's nothing left to say
Then you strike that match and you walk away

Let it rise up till this love is nothing more than ashes on the ground

By Whitney Duncun...couldn't have said it better myself.

Crystal balls are never clear when we need them to be.

I had lunch with one of my most cherished friends today...she talked about her girlfriend and issues with needs being met, and I talked a little about how I was doing since the break up with Anji. Good food and great company. We've known each other for almost 3 years and each time we separate for whatever the reasons, we get together and it's like nothing has changed. She is good people. Thanks for being there for me Christina...even when I wasn't so good to you. The reason I bring this up was our conversation about needs. I remember Anji stating to me over a year ago that she didn't feel like she could live up to my needs, that she couldn't meet or provide them. Each time I would be caught off guard, would ask if there was something I had done or said that made her feel that my needs weren't being met? She always said no, that it was her issue and that she has always had to meet other people's needs and that I guess I fell into that grouping. Her comments about not being able to meet my needs increased in frequency until it was almost a weekly thing. And each time, she said it was her issue and that she was misreading her emotions and that it wasn't anything I did or said. So I believed her and it has bothered me since she originally began saying it...do I somehow have higher needs than other people in her life? Am I demanding, needy? Two and half months or so after she blindsided me with the break up, a conversation with a friend and I think I just may understand what the heck all the "meeting needs" talk was all about. But it was about me, but not because of expectations I placed on her.

She was right...she couldn't meet my needs. Without my knowing, she knew for some time that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me...the only things I ever asked of her (needs) was that I have a girlfriend that loves me, is committed to me and is honest with me. She must have known earlier than I could have ever known that she couldn't do those three things...thus, she couldn't meet my needs. So it was about me in the fact that I just wanted a committed, loving, honest relationship, not that I was being overly demanding with outside needs. All that time, she told me she couldn't meet my needs but it never occurred to me, mostly because it never went said, that she knew deep inside she could not be that kind of girlfriend with me. She never told me, never worded her concerns as more than just "it's my issue" and I can't help feeling that if she would have just freaking grown a pair and had an honest conversation with me, she never would have lied, never have had broken all those promises or cheated on me. There was a time we could have just sat down and talked about it instead of her forcing her thoughts and feelings down and worked this all out before the damage became so bad that I wanted to kill myself...before she had to make me question everything and everyone in my life...before she took her little boy from me. So much anger and sorrow that could have been avoided. But it is too late for that option...the damage has been done and her promises broken to a thousand pieces, just like my heart. Did she know how she felt all along and just try to hide it, try to pretend that she loved me and could be with me? I don't know. I'm not sure I care really. The longest I have gone without her memory assaulting my senses is three days...when I was away on vacation, far from her and her new lover. But I have to learn to exist in the same city, I have to learn to work a few blocks from her house, I have to learn that she fucked up and let a damn good thing go and it didn't have to go down like this. At some point she will realize just what a good thing I was, how accepting of her shit I was and then the realization that she will never have me again, not even as a friend...I don't want my name to ever cross her lips.

I think we all know the crystal ball is perfectly clear and shiny when we look at it for historical reasons, hindsight is after all 20/20. It is truly a horrible thing that when we look into the crystal ball for current or future reasons, it is hazy, clouded and shrouded in mystery. Answers never come easy, we make mistakes, we find ourselves on the ground without even knowing we have fallen. Some people stay down for fear of falling all over again...for the most part that describes me. But I don't think I want to be that way anymore...I am not the first nor the last person in the world who has or will be blindsided by a lying, cheating partner. I need to get my ass back up, brush the dirt off, check to make sure my hair still looks fly and move on. It really doesn't even matter what way I go...so long as I get up and go. The longer I stay down, the harder it is to get up. So I'm going to try...try to get up despite feeling as if the weight of the world is on my back holding me firmly to the ground...try to get up despite memories that kick me in the gut and stomp on my hands and feet while I try to stand up. The scars are deep, my soul feels tattered, blood stained and crusty with the dirt that I have been laying in for a few months now...they will rip as I try to rise...and bleed again. But I must get up. God willing I will get up...and then move. But for now, I will concentrate and put all my energy into just getting up off the ground. Yep, time to get up.

Lyrics that represent my soul...

It's an amazing song...really speaks to my soul. I'm sharing because it's just one more part of how I am trying to heal and move on. Someday my entries won't have her in them. I pray that day comes sooner rather than later. But it is getting easier...

i know i can't take one more step towards you

cause all thats waiting is regret

don't you know i'm not your ghost anymore

you lost the love i loved the most

i learned to live, half alive

and now you want me one more time

who do you think you are?

runnin' 'round leaving scars

collecting your jar of hearts

tearing love apart

you're gonna catch a cold

from the ice inside your soul

so don't come back for me

who do you think you are?

i hear you're asking all around

if i am anywhere to be found

but i have grown too strong

to ever fall back in your arms

ive learned to live, half alive

and now you want me one more time

who do you think you are?

runnin' 'round leaving scars

collecting your jar of hearts

and tearing love apart

you're gonna catch a cold

from the ice inside your soul

so don't come back for me

who do you think you are?

it took so long just to feel alright

remember how to put back the light in my eyes

i wish i had missed the first time that we kissed

cause you broke all your promises

and now you're back

you don't get to get me back

who do you think you are?

running around leaving scars

collecting your jar of hearts

and tearing love apart

you're gonna catch a cold

from the ice inside your soul

so don't come back for me

dont come back at all

who do you think you are?

who do you think you are?

who do you think you are?

written by christina perri, barrett yeretsian, drew lawrence

My Olympic Vacation Pictures...

This is Strawberry Rock.





An odd tree along one of my hikes.







Just me and the beach. I spent an hour here. Awesome.

Off of Hole in The Rock.



Washed up tree trunk.








Mist through the moring air.










Some pretty flower I took a picture of for mom.




The moon through the old growth trees along the shoreline in La Push.







Realto Beach just North of La Push.







Another outcropping of rock off of Realto Beach.









I took a lot of pics of water crashing against the rocks...just is just one of them.











I really liked these rocks. They are so smooth.











This is the 3 mile hike to Third Beach in La Push.













Once I got the Third Beach, there was a beautiful waterfall just to the South.













There was a ton of driftwood along Third Beach, it was beautiful.














At the bottom of the hike just before you climb the final hill, there is this beautiful subtle waterfall that feeds into the bay.






On the way back from the beach, in the quiet and peace...where the only thing I could hear was my heartbeat and my footsteps along the path. I didn't know I was looking for anything, and along this path...in hundreds of miles of Rainforest, I found God. We had a good talk.








Just a pitstop view of the ocean while traveling along 101 South of Forks.






A really nice visual aid of just how powerful the waves are that just this rock remains with the ocean around it.













As you come down this little path, this is your first view of Ruby Beach. Picture doesn't do it justice.











This was just a cool tree along Cresent Lake on my way to Forks.











Sorry that some of the photos aren't exactly even with the pictures, this blog thing is still pretty new to me. I just wanted to share these and maybe talk more about my thoughts and feelings later. I'm on call this week, and am exhausted. Thanks for looking.

Anger turns a soul black, forgiveness purifies...

I by no means had the worst childhood, nor the best. I wanted for nothing, lived a simple country life out in the middle of no where...the closest town had just one blinking yellow light at a three way intersection. My dad was gone a lot, in fact I don't think I realized what a dad was until I was close to 6 years old, he was all over the world working but when we moved to this little town south of Olympia, Tenino, he was home more, kinda like what I thought a real dad did. He worked the night shift at the Centralia Coal Mine working on the giant Caterpillars that moved millions of cubic feet of coal every day. He worked hard but still was gone a lot, and when he was home things didn't always go so smoothly, I often angered him by doing the simplest or smallest things...he would hit me for my mistakes, often call me names. Growing up, I just assumed that was how dads acted. Once my parents got divorced, life didn't change that much...it had for the most part always been just mom and me, so I guess it was back to life as I knew it.

From the age of 12 until about 25 I harbored such anger toward him for how he treated me, and my mother. For his abusive nature, his temper, his lack of what I felt was any sort of love for me. I never seemed to do the right thing with him growing up, mistakes and mistakes...his love was all I ever wanted, and at the time I thought it impossible. After taking some psychology classes and spending time with friends from church at Central Washington University, I decided the time had come to confront my dad seeing how I was the only one suffering the ill effects of how I was treated as a child. He could care less, whereas I suffered from one thing or another on an almost daily basis. The time came to talk, his recollection of things were very different from mine, for the most part he denied most things. I wanted him to apologize for hurting me so badly as a child...I didn't get it.

I spent more time angry, and began praying that God give me the strength to forgive my dad. Understanding that he did the best he could at the time, that he parented the way he was parented, that he was abused as a child and that was all he knew. I realized that he didn't really understand how to be a father, he tried his best...as we all do. Sometimes our best isn't good enough and some days it is. After many prayers to forgive him, one day I woke up and my anger, fear and resentment were gone. I truly felt as if the slate had been wiped clean. From that moment on, he and I started a new relationship with or without any apologies...because it didn't matter anymore. I forgave him. We have a much different relationship now as adults, I can't imagine my life without him, I cherish every time I get to spend time with him. I have watched him grow into a real father who has accepted his mistakes, but not himself. He is a more thoughtful and compassionate man than he once was, and I know without a doubt that without God's grace and love...I never would have forgiven him. Dad, I love you more than you could ever know, and I know that because I have forgiven you, so too has God even though you don't forgive yourself. You did the best you could and I understand that now. You've grown into a wonderful man and loving father. Thank you.

My reason for this long winded post is that I again find myself at the space I spent years in before, where I was the only one tortured by the things that had happened to me. I was the only bitter for the lies and betrayals. Each day I find new reasons to hate my ex more and more, almost loathe her existence for how horribly she treated me and all the lies she told, and how I bought into them so easily. And for the relationship with her son that has been ripped from my life. I am angry...and it is all consuming. I hate feeling this way, but I don't know how to get past such complete and utter destruction of a soul. I need to...I am the only one suffering. She has a new girlfriend, a new life, happiness and joy...as if I never existed. I don't want her having this much power over me and I'm tired of being consumed by my anger and pain. Perhaps it is too soon, perhaps I lack the appropriate measure of understanding...in any event, it is killing me. Slowly turning my soul black. How do I forgive such betrayal? Sigh.

I should be used to it by now...

So it was my first day back from my wonderful vacation, had to read through over 200 emails and not one mentioned the wreck of my day. A client I had grown close to, known for a good 2 years now had passed away due to a drug overdose. I remember going through all my psychology and sociology classes, and never once learning about how to deal with a clients death in your life. To this day, not even experience makes it any easier on me. I would have liked to have known when it actually happened, but no one thought of that...which I guess I shouldn't complain about. She was one of the most happy, yet absent minded clients I have ever known...but blissfully happy and unaware for the most part. She struggled with the demons and voices, self medicated because that was all she knew to do. Despite efforts to help her, the drugs proved to be too much of a yearning, and need that in the end, killed her. The last time I saw her she came jumping up and down to me in her pj's telling me how pretty I was and how great it was to see me. She would often tell me of her talks with Jesus and how he loves us all because we are his children. She gave me a quick hug and peck on the cheek and said, "God bless you deb." The manner in which I found out today was crude and abrupt, I was the last to know. I cried all the way home from work. Tears so heavy in my eyes that it made it hard to see where I was going. Not the way I had hoped my first day would look back from vacation, but in this field, no day goes as planned. S, I will not forget you, your smile or the way you skipped down the street as if you had no cares in the world. I'm sorry the demons and voices tortured you and more sorry that we couldn't take them away. You will be missed but I am glad that your burdens in this life are done. And thank you for always reminding me that Jesus loves me and that I am a child of God. (A fact that is often lost on me.) Rest in peace S...until we meet again. With love, deb

From ashes to dust...

Tonight I took all the photos of Anji and I, her love letters, her cards, some of her gifts other misc. items and had a bonfire. I wrote her a two page letter telling her how I felt, what I wanted and what I needed to have happen. Straight to the point about how I feel regarding her lying and betrayal...my anger and resentment. The evil side her actions have brought out in me that I never knew could exist. I sat there putting in letter after letter, the poems I was writing her, the love letters I was writing to her...so and so forth until the fire raged 3 feet tall. I want to cleanse my life of her, the memories, the plans, the laughter, the tears..all of it. I was there for her during her most heart breaking times, with her mom getting cancer, her "vices" that could have doomed her, accepting her for who she was. Those too went up in flames. I want to be in control of my life, I want to be happy, I want to live and love. I want my mind free of the all consuming thoughts of her and the pain she has caused me. So tonight I burned what was left of her in my life. I pray God helps me let go and not try to take the burden back. Nothing but ashes remain of us, and I'm trying to save myself from becoming nothing but dust.

3 days...

This is the last day of my vacation, part of me wishes it would never end. I so deeply want to be riding the ferry back to Kingston, driving a couple hours and reaching the coast. The sun on my face, it's warmth reaching every fiber of my being. I so want to get back to where the only thing you hear are the waves crashing onto the shore and the occasional bird chirping happily. I didn't really plan out where I was going, I had no time table and no phone to answer (not like anyone calls me) due to being so far out in the middle of nowhere, there was no cell service. I made Forks my home base and traveled up and down the coast line, visiting waterfalls, jetty's, reservations, gift stores, beautiful driftwood laden inlets, miles and miles of rain forest...I could go on and on. And for the most part, I did. I only stayed at the motel long enough to take a shower and sleep, all my time was spent playing outside in the sand and surf. Aside from Forks, I visited Ruby Beach, La Push, I hiked to 3rd beach and thought I was going to die, I went to Rialto Beach, Neah Bay, Port Angeles, Hole in the Wall, and a ton of places in between that I have no idea what they were called. I met a lot of really nice folks on my journey from as far away as the East Coast.

I had 3 days of pure bliss, 3 days to think about only me, 3 days to find whatever it is I was looking for. And for those 3 days, I wasn't sick, my stomach didn't hurt...I didn't need my anxiety medications, I felt calm, relaxed and well...free. No cares about work, no thoughts of Anji or any of the shit that has happened over the last few months. It was just me being me and loving every minute of it. I was finally happy. I felt all the happiness and joy seeping out of me while riding the ferry back to Edmond's, the minute I got off the ferry I changed...it all changed. All the peace and serenity I found on the Olympic Peninsula gone, the void filled only by sadness. I have my headaches again, my stomach hurts, the anxiety and OCD has returned with a vengeance and I am again faced with the reality that I can't for the life of me get rid of thinking about Anji cheating on me and the lies she told for 8 months. Ugh. Mom says that every now and then I get this urge to runaway, just leave and go some place where people don't know me and just start over. She is right. Between having a really hard job with a super high burn out rate and working just a few blocks from Anji's house make my life really hard to deal with. I kind of feel like it's killing me, ever so slowly choking the life out of me. I want a redo, I want to start over...I want this life to be done so I can ask for a second chance. I'm not happy...and I only am realizing this now because for 3 days, I was.