Where I am today...

Excellent lyrics to sum up where I am right now...


I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

-JJ Heller

The roller coaster ride that was today...

I'm exhausted from such a trying day and tears that ran down my face like a deluge...work was status quo, meetings, and more meetings, client calls, the regular beat of my work week. As I was leaving to pick up a client for grocery shopping, I noticed that my car wasn't in the parking lot where it should have been. I joked about it at first because sometimes my job is so hard I on several occasions have forgotten where I parked, or forgotten how I got home at night. My job is totally draining on many, many levels. I got out to the parking lot and I was very specific about where I parked today and how, and my car was gone. I called mom to see if per chance she had it, of course she didn't...I immediately broke down and started crying telling her that my car had been stolen. She was calling the insurance company, I was calling the police. Before the police arrived I sort of lost my mind, my car was gone...my little blue was taken from me...I felt so violated and confused. I called mom again, in utter shambles, bawling my eyes out, she was coming to get me. The police showed, I gave them a description of my car, where and when I parked it, and completed their forms. About that time mom showed up and spoke with the officer...I just wanted to get in her car and get home. I was freaking that they could have gotten to my house and either cleaned it out or hurt my loving dog. I bawled the entire way home.

All was safe at the house, I immediately sent a facebook post about my stolen car and then went to bed...I was so totally spent. By the time I got up, I just felt numb. No more tears could come, my eyes were so swollen. I didn't eat much for dinner, but then a call came from the Mukilteo police...they found my little blue. It seems that the teens were out for a joy ride and after using all that they wanted from my car they decided to steal someone else's car, I guess they wanted a better or faster ride. They trashed my car, ransacked her, smoked in her and did drugs in her. They took anything that looked remotely worth anything, which wasn't much but they were things that had value to me. But I have my car. It will take some doing getting her cleaned up and smelling right but I thank God that I have my car back. I had given up hope, Honda's are often stolen to be "parted" out and I really didn't think I would see my baby again. But she is now comfortably sitting next to big blue in the garage. I will with great tender loving care, clean her up tomorrow and try and get some good sleep and maybe do some laundry. It will take a while for the feeling of violation to go away, or the feeling of safety that I took for granted. But I have my car and right now, all is good in the world. I do pray for the persons whose car those teens ended up ditching mine for. No one should ever feel how I felt today. They will be in my prayers tonight.

I realize in the grand scheme of things a stolen car is trivial at best, especially when my cousin Shay and his wife just laid to rest their beautiful baby Jude. And I do not take for granted that my issue is no where near the depths of despair that they are going through. My car is just a thing, it can be replaced. A life cannot.

When a spirit is so holy, a body is all it needs...

This week my dear cousin Shay lost his little boy Jude, less than a year after he was born. From birth little Jude just wasn't meeting the normal benchmarks for his age, but no doctor ever said that there was something wrong with him. About 3 months ago, little Jude was found unconscious and had been in and out of ICU...doctors figured it was SIDS. Despite the families prayers and our desires for little Jude to live a long and happy life, God called him home. In our religion it is a common belief that our spirits are sent here from the pre-existence to gain a body just as our brother Jesus Christ came to gain a body(simply put). It is our part in the plan of salvation to come to Earth, gain a body, learn, obey, struggle and return home with honor. We believe that children are the closest to God, at that time the veil is thinner than it is when we are adults. We believe that when children die, it is because their spirits were so holy and pure that they only needed to gain a body to return home with honor. Jude's spirit was so pure he need only be here a short time and while death is not easy for anyone to deal with and it often makes no sense who and why it comes for us...God called him home because his journey-his mission here on Earth was completed...and I hope my cousin Shay and his family take solace knowing that they will raise him on the other side, that they will be a complete family once again. Words do not ease the pain of losing someone you love to death, and they certainly don't ease the loss of a child. I love you Shay. I pray for you and the family. I pray that the Spirit comforts you as you mourn the loss of your little angel Jude. I never met him, but I love him just the same. Family is family, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take comfort in knowing that the Gospel of Jesus Christ had a plan for Jude and you helped him follow that plan by giving his soul a body so he could return to God. I'm so sorry. I love you. Your cousin-deb.

It's been 6 days since...

I was finally able to begin praying each night to forgive Anji and to some extent Jess. It is some nights hard to pray, and some nights even harder to pray for the strength to forgive her. I guess lies and betrayal have a tendency to damage a heart as if it were nothing more than just a rock sitting beside a curb waiting to be kicked around and cast aside. Hearts a hard thing to heal, you patch one hole only to find it leaking somewhere else like a dam about to burst. Some days, I can control the flow of pain, others not so much. Sometimes, the ebb and flow happen so fast that my feelings change multiple times a day. But for 6 days now, no matter how many ebb and flows I go through, I am able to end my night with a prayer to God to give me the strength to forgive Anji and sometimes even the ability to try and someday be friends with her so I can be close to Zachary again. He has without a doubt been the hardest part for me to get over losing. Lies are one thing, removing a little boy I love as if my own is an entire different thing. But I still pray...even if He doesn't hear me. I'm sure God has much better things to do with his time then listen to me. But I pray anyway, because maybe not all my prayers make to His ears, but at the very least a couple will...statistically speaking anyway.

I had therapy today, I started talking about how angry I get, the rage that often builds inside me over this entire situation I find myself in. Talked about when I lost my mind at Girls Camp before I was a high school freshman, had a flood of memories come back to me about my abuses of various kinds that had happened to me when I was younger that I had blacked out of my mind until then. At the age of 14 or 15, I had no ways to cope with everything that was going on inside me, and so my self destructive phase began...hammering myself, cutting myself, scraping my face along jagged rocks, or sticking my arms in blackberry bushes. I lost my mind then, and some people would say I still haven't found it. But that would be my coping skill when something strikes to close to home...I make a joke. Anyhow, we discussed how there were important people in my life that I trusted to protect me that betrayed me, hurt me or lied and how to some extent this situation with Anji is just another manifestation of those earlier in my life that hurt me. It's hard to explain how my psychiatrist pulls all this information out of me, hangs on to the little details and then neatly wraps it in a bow at the end leaving me speechless because whatever it is, never occurred to me. The only person I have ever been angry with was my father, and I have forgiven him. I really only get super angry, like rage full when someone hurts my mom so it's hard for me to process the rage inside me over Anji is basically where we ended the session. He wanted to know why I never got angry with all the other people who have hurt or betrayed or lied to me...all I had to say was, because I don't care about me.

Clearly I must though, or I wouldn't be going to therapy, wouldn't be trying to overcome my self hatred and loathing. So somewhere deep inside I must think I am worthy of trying, or I would have let go by now. I don't know if any of this makes sense, it is hard to put into words that which you still don't quite understand yourself. It really isn't in my nature to be so angry with someone other than myself and I am really struggling with letting myself feel how I feel, process it and figure out what to do with it all without actually doing anything to hurt anyone. I know that Anji lied for 8 months and I'm tying to come to terms with that, but I think somewhere inside some corner of my heart, I do love her and want the best for her and I would never want harm to come to her. Hey, aren't are I a walking contradiction. Blech. Therapy confuses and confounds me and I do this as a profession, which leads me to wonder if those I counsel leave my office just as confused I am when I leave my sessions.

I am looking forward to the time when I can write on this blog that I have forgiven her, and am happy that things ended and that God let happen what needed to happen. I look forward to moving on, completely. I want very much to have our relationship, that particular aspect of our relationship in my rear view mirror and perhaps find a new friendship with each other or not. I don't know. I'm just ready to let this burdensome box of pain go...and I give it to God to deal with several times a day because I have this awful habit of taking it back once I give it over. Some days I lose track of how many times I give it to Him to deal with. But I'm going to keep doing it until it sticks and I no longer want or take it back.

For now, I keep moving...keep trying to make it through each day, keep praying at night to forgive her and each day keep giving the burden back that I keep trying to hold on to despite its toxicity. But I will succeed. I will. I don't know when, but it will happen.

Don't mistake my journaling as self pity...

Sometimes when I sit down to journal, I have a specific thing I want to say or work out in words what I cannot work out in my head. Those times end up as free flow thoughts which many times my entries are. I am by no means asking for pity, simply working out feelings and thoughts in the only way I feel safe doing. Everyday I struggle, some times I am good and have starting forgiving Anji and Jess and some times I have a rough day, and I fall back into being the pessimist that I was born to be. It just is who I am. I cannot help it. Mostly due to the chronic depression I have or the OCD or the ADHD or whatever, looking on the negative side is all I know...and if that makes people feel like what I write is me looking for a pity party, I assure you I am not. I am sharing my thoughts and feelings...good, bad or indifferent.
The last two nights I have been praying to God to help me forgive Anji and Jess, mostly Anji. And there are times I don't feel any anger toward her at all, sometimes I do. Like I've said before, my healing is not linear and each day is not necessarily better than the last. I am doing the best I can...and if how I heal or how slow I heal is a problem, then it is your problem. I will not be sorry for the thoughts and feelings I convey...this is MY journal. It may not sound like I have made any progress in the "my life sucks, I hate being who I am, how could someone who loved me hurt me like this" era...but I am, they are just little steps and some of you, even me sometimes may not see the movement.
Work takes a toll on my mental state, or sometimes lack of it. Always worried about being laid off, having our program shut down, being unemployed and that's not even taking into consideration the stress and strain of the work itself.
I was reminded last night that before I was born to this life, in the pre-existence I volunteered for this life. God showed me bits and pieces of what I would be, how I would be, and the trouble and happiness I would experience. It was no easy thing to do, deciding to come to Earth and be gay, have one parent, be a member of a church that pretty much loathes me, have my heart broken and broken again and have my spirit suffer so much in the process. But I did come forth when God asked who would take this life on, and I did stand up and I did say I would. I don't know why then and I don't know why now. But I did...and I am meant to be here despite my objections that currently happen almost daily.
I will overcome the lying and broken promises with Anji just as I did with my father. And maybe someday down the road, she and I might even be friends. Right now, I am just concentrating on being who I am and doing my job. And honestly, I still love her and I still miss her and my life is lesser for her and Zachary not being in it. But I am still hurt and until that ends or I get a better grasp around it and forgive her, it is hard to journal anything more than what I feel right now and this very moment.
I will move on, I may or may not find love again or want to spend my life with someone. I don't know. My job doesn't leave much time for a social life anyway. But I'm getting better. So please don't be so quick to think all I want is pity out of this. I want what everyone wants...love, happiness, a sense of belonging, friends, acceptance, and healing. Sometimes it just takes longer than we want.

They printed my letter to the editor.

The Everett Herald printed my letter to the editor that I have previously posted on my blog about. Mom thought it was odd timing given that it was just one week ago that it happened. Should you want to see the cleaned up version here is the link...

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20100817/OPINION02/708179989/-1/OPINION#Behavior.after.accident.appalling.

Bottom feeders and burdens...

I'm getting better at faking it...day in and day out. I don't cry so much, hardly at all actually. I get up, go to work...pretend that I don't feel any pain, smile and laugh, take extra work on so it helps others...but there are times I stare out the window and the thoughts I spend so much energy in keeping away find their way inside my brain...I just don't know it, until I start feeling angry, bitter and hateful. The thoughts slowly and methodically eat away at the good in me, leaving nothing but crumbs of what I once was. It is only I who suffer, only I who continues to feel the sting of a lover's twisted blade of so called love. So called love. I can go a day or so, sometimes two or three without being consumed with thoughts of her, well my thoughts aren't really of her...I continue to miss Zachary so much the pain often leaves me breathless. The only times I think of Anji are when I've seen her in the community, driven by a place that once was "ours" or someone reminds me that she is with someone else. Then I spend so much time that it turns into days where my only thoughts are of how I want to make her hurt. Feel the pain she has caused me. Make her feel the lies, the betrayal and broken promises. The cheating. I've never met someone so capable of just walking away without a second thought as if I never existed. Like our relationship was meaningless. Nothing. Simply nothing.

And yet I hate myself because I still carry her lies and betrayal with me everywhere I go. It is my constant companion. Never but a heartbeat away. I don't need reminders of what I had, what I thought I had, what I lost and what I have now. A friend of mine gave me this really awesome poem thing and its basic premise is that this burden I carry is indeed mine, but it's not meant for me to carry. So in theory, I'm supposed to give this burden, this heavy, rotting, painful cross over to God to carry despite the fact that yes, it is mine...but just because it is mine, doesn't mean I have to carry it. I suppose this would be where, if in conversation someone would make comment about Jesus dying on the cross or some sort of biblical reference to somehow ease the torture that my heart feels every day, to the spirit inside me that slowly feels itself dying. And in fact, I can hear my friend having this conversation with me.

I spent most of my life feeling like a mistake, like God made a mistake in creating me. A blip in the creation of life. A bottom feeder I used to call myself. Never one to be happy, never one to want to know how it felt to be happy, because bottom feeders should never feel happy or even dream of it. I believed that I was a waste of space...my body and soul could have been better spent on someone else who could have benefited from it. A doctor. A mother. A star...anyone but me. I used to be consumed with those thoughts, not so much anymore. I think I have come to realize that regardless of why God made me, I'm here for the duration of the ride. I just don't understand why the ride has to be so painful and last so long. Is there something I have left to do that until it is done, my soul stays stuck in this virtual reality of hell? Was I that bad in another life...was my soul so corrupt that I have no easy escape?

As a bottom feeder, I never should have hoped to fall in love with Anji...I should NEVER have believed that I would be worthy of her love, that she could ever care for someone like myself. What a fool I was. What a fool I am. I'm living a life that I don't feel is mine. Like there was a mix up...I was supposed to stay away, in the dark, playing a back up role instead out on the field like a pro acting like I know what I'm doing. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I only know what I'm not doing...I'm not being a good Mormon. I'm not healing my clients from their wretched illness'. I'm not making this world a better place...I'm just taking up space. And I hate that.

Mom told me how upset it makes her knowing that my sole reason for living is her. That if she were not living, I would kill myself. She said something about it being a poor reason. My mother is the most wonderful woman I have ever known. I live my life trying to make her happy, to make my existence somehow worthwhile in her eyes. To make her proud to have me as a daughter. She is compassionate, loving, funny, supportive, helpful and courageous. I feel like such a let down compared to her. Heck, I have the 3rd least money making degree you can possibly have. High stress, low morale, high turn over and little pay. A job for a bottom feeder. When all is said and done, no one will ever remember who you are let alone your name...just like you were never there.

This is a much longer post than I had planned and it took itself in a much different direction than I had planned. I am so tired of giving a crap about Anji. And to some extent Zachary, although just saying that kills me inside. I love him so. I want every memory of her gone. It's hard enough trying to love myself being a lesbian Mormon, trying to find my way in this life that seems to reach out and grab at my ankles looking for every opportunity to trip me up and swallow me whole. Dealing with Anji and our soul rotting relationship just adds to the weight I carry everyday and makes it all that more difficult to just stand up let alone move. I'm afraid if I fall to my knees I will never get back up, but I also realize that is the perfect position to pray to God for help...pray that He takes this burden that is mine from me. My problem is that I have trouble once I give it up, not taking it back. How do I not take it back when it holds me down like a ball and chain? I've lost everything I can trying to carry this myself...short of my life. And right now, I don't think the exchange rate is very favorable...I would just end up owing my soul too.

Witness to an accident...

As some of you may know, I was a witness and then participant to a pretty rough car accident on my way home Tuesday. My frustration with humanity...or just the Marysville population led me to write a letter to the editor of the Everett Herald. I thought I would share it with you in the event it doesn't get published. I still need to process everything that happened but want to share more details about what I witnessed and how I felt about it all. For now, please give a read to the Letter to the Editor and please forgive grammar and spelling errors, it is after all almost 2am.


Letter to the Editor
August 11, 2010
Incident on Sunnyside:

While traveling the back road of Sunnyside to Marysville Tuesday, backlogged with cars due to construction I was just one of many anticipating a normal commute home. When I witnessed a pretty serious accident begin about 10 feet from my car and end about 10 feet behind me with it’s closest point not even 2 feet away from my door. To my dismay only two individuals got out of their vehicles to check on the drivers of the vehicles that had just collided and I was the other one. Without hesitation I got out of my car to check on the occupants, help direct traffic, assist law enforcement and medics care for the injured. Not one other person stopped to help but two of us. I know that there were at the very least 4 other cars that were witness to this accident, but they left the scene…I realize they were in a hurry to get home, everyone was, including myself and having to deal with construction traffic and now a car accident just didn’t fit in their plans. I know this because there were people yelling obscenities at me as I was trying to help direct traffic. I know it was hot out, people were tired but there was no reason for those of you who honked your horns, flipped me off and called me a fat cow just because my helping with the accident added time or distance to your commute. Did it ever occur to you that there was someone seriously injured? Could you not have just turned around nicely or drove on the one lane that was open and just been okay? Heaven forbid that this incident added 10, 15 or 20 extra minutes to your drive home. I am disgusted by how incredibly unsympathetic our society has become, how morally bankrupt we operate from day to day and think it’s okay to treat people poorly…not just me because I was helping and I was an easy mark to take your frustrations out on, but those involved in this accident. They deserved your patience or at the very least, some form of common decency to show that there is still some good in this world. As you read this, you know who you are, you know what you said and how you acted and I am ashamed at how juvenile your actions were. We all deserve better than what some of you gave. Period.

Sincerely,
Deb Carlsen-Marysville

Oddly distant...

I spent about 10 hours at work today...consults, meetings, phone calls, but hardly any client contact. Sometimes I spend so much time on their behalf with other agencies or entities that I hardly ever actually am able to spend quality time with them. I am so used to them struggling, fighting, doing drugs or whatever it is that they do, that when one of them is doing so well and spreads their wings to fly...I don't know what to do with myself. When you work with the chronically mental ill, success comes very slow if at all...looks different for everyone and sometimes can be the tiniest of change. I know I should feel proud of the work I have done with this certain person, there were many highs and lows along our journey but I find myself feeling sad that one of my "peeps" has outgrown the nest.

On to another topic, I have always been SUPER slow when it comes to women making passes at me (hitting on me)...I never see it until it is pointed out to me and then I feel stupid. It never occurs to me that someone, anyone would be attracted to me or find anything remotely enjoyable about me. Especially after the wicked breakup with Anji, I have been feeling very distant from my body...my emotions and I have been way too close lately. Not feeling at all likable or having the desire to date or even fake like I want to date. But it is nice to feel wanted...in any way.

I know I'm wanted at work...they need the body to do the work but it's not so much about me as it is they just need a seat filled. I rarely if ever feel appreciated by my coworkers...not that it is a requirement of their job to give a rats ass about me. And I don't seem to make the right decisions to them, everyone has their .75 cents of opinions but rarely ever consider the work I have already done or the avenues I have already tread in an effort to help a client. The average life span of a Mental Health Professional (that's me) in ACT programs is a year...that's how insane and difficult the work is we do. September marks my third year. Am I crazy to still be there...probably. But I feel a loyalty to my boss Fred, he has been the best boss I have ever had...and I have had many. Here in Washington the unemployment rate is typically around 9-10 percent. I am thankful each day that I am a part of the other percent that has work. Yet somewhere deep inside, this job is killing me. The demands are high, impossibly high and the help is low...really low. There is a major disconnect between administration and clinical services...mostly driven by money or the lack of it. Even in state budgets the first things to go are human services...no one cares about the mentally ill until one of them kill someone or get arrested for lewd behavior or stealing from a store. Sigh.

Maybe my distance is a protective thing...not odd at all. I'm overloaded, under paid, emotionally a wreck and spiritually bankrupt. I suppose all those above make being distant a necessity.

Two steps forward, one step back...

I need this process to be linear...this going back and forth regarding healing or hurting is like a wicked ride at the fair, and I really want to get off. I need one day to be better than the next. No going back...not even a little. It feels like a waste of my effort and frankly demotes all the energy I've spent in moving on with my life. Not even my own sense of self respects the work I've been putting into bettering myself and becoming the deb I hear people tell me I can be. I wish I could give myself therapy like the therapy I give to others...clear, directive, supportive, and positive. In fact, one of my themes for those that can grasp the idea, is that everything starts with one step...it doesn't matter how big the step is, just as long as it's a step. And as you take your steps, there will be times that you will end up taking steps backwards...but that's okay because at least you are moving and that's all that matters. But I can't seem to "therapize" myself.
All of this comes from a place I found myself last Thursday...I woke up remembering a dream I had about Anji and Jess too, they were together, I was okay with that...which I am actually, but for the first time in a long time in this dream I was able to talk with Anji like we used to when we were friends. Her eyes weren't cold or hard, she smiled and laughed...it was as if none of this had ever happened and we were friends again. I lay in bed thinking about it, realizing that our interaction in the dream was easy, relaxed, free of demands and worry...she was like the Anji I had fallen in love with. And as I lay there, I realized that a strange calmness came over me and for the first time in over 3 months I smiled while thinking of her. I felt...at peace.
Days have come and gone since then, and some days my hate consumes me, while other days I think little of her but miss Zachary so much it makes my heart ache. But I think I am...I really hope I am, at the point where I can TRY to pray to TRY and forgive her. I will never forget what she has done...the enormous gaping wound that she ripped open that on occasion still flows freely. But for my own sanity and future I need to forgive her and I know I've talked about this before but it's different than with my dad. It took me 12 years or so to forgive him, I beg of God that this doesn't take anywhere near that amount of time for this wound to heal. I do not have the time, the energy, the desire, the ability to make it that long.
As for my emotional health, it too comes and goes. I am for the most part no longer actively suicidal...that need or desire has become passive and not as all consuming as it once was. Yesterday driving over one of our bridges it was merely the car that kept me on the road and not ramming the barrier in hopes of driving into the inlet below. I wonder, if I did drive off the bridge...would I be calm as the water filled the car? Would I struggle to the last minute and stare through the window for my last glimpse of this world? Would I change my mind and try to get out...would anyone even notice my car in the bay? Would I push them away if they tried to rescue me, or let them take me to the surface? All these thoughts race through my head faster than the blink of an eye...maybe half a heart beat has passed. And those too sometimes I wish would stop. But they never do and I wonder why God makes me stay here. What is it that I have done to deserve this, what is there that I must learn, what mistake have I not corrected?

One of these days I will blog more about my childhood, but at this moment...these are the things on my mind. And so we come full circle...this life is like yet another ride at the fair that I want off of. I thought I could handle it, from the ground it didn't look so scary or threatening...but now that I am in the middle of this ride, I realize it is more than I can take and I worry that it will never stop...never let me off. I just want off...

"Hope For Every Fallen Man (Acoustic)"

"Hope For Every Fallen Man (Acoustic)"

[Verse 1:]
As you push it up through the soil
I will shake your filthy hand
You may be dead to me
But that don't mean we can't be friends
Now it's time to get over this
Long as it's clear you understand
That I will never trust a single thing you say again

[Bridge:]
Because the judge of you
Is someone I could never be
Is why you should thank the Lord
That it is Him and it's not me

[Chorus:]
Don't give up, it's not the end
There's hope for every fallen man
To pick themselves up when they think they can't
Because with every passing second comes a second chance

[Verse 2:]
You stole so much from me
And there is nothing left to take
Save a hard-learned lesson
On how to not make the same mistake
And you may be delirious
But that is something that will fade
After you confess that this mess
Is all something that you made.

[Bridge:]
Oh, because the judge of you
Is someone I could never be
Is why you should thank the Lord
That it is Him and it's not me

[Chorus:]
Don't give up, it's not the end
There's hope for every fallen man
To pick themselves up when they think they can't
Because with every passing second comes a second chance
Oh, don't give up, it's not the end
Get back on your feet again
Forgiveness can be given when you think it can't
Cause with every passing second comes a second chance

[Breakdown:]
Oh, oh
Take a good look at yourself and know
You've got yourself a ways to go
But difficult is not impossible
You can take back all the lost control
Take a good look at yourself and see
That you'll emerge eventually
As long as your heart's not too far gone
From the only Thing that can save you from yourself

Forgiveness can be given when you think it can't
Cause with every passing second comes a second chance...

Lyrics by Relient K

Gaga vs Go..

There is this song most people know that Lady Gaga sings called Just Dance, but I don't like her version. Instead I prefer the version by Gary Go...it's not so "dancie" and upbeat. Given the space I have been in lately stands to reason that it would appeal to me. Anyway, there is an added part in his version by a rapper whose name I do not know but it speaks to me. So I thought I would share. I share lyrics with people because music is my life...it moves me, sometimes controls me a little more than it should. I just really love music. So this is the verse that is added to Just Dance...

Jump for my chance to be hardcore
I lost my mind on the dance floor
I know that the time is past 4
but who cares cause my heart is a dark force
to be reckoned with
she took it out and ripped it apart
opened it and shredded it
never give love to a pretty girl with a negative outlook
there's no such thing as a friend no benefits
so sweet so elegant, so weak, so intelligent
I forget like the night is my last night
and the past nights mean nothing
so I lose my composure
lost in space cause my worlds over

Gary Go remix.

Impossible...

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did
And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did
And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof top
Write it on the sky love
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know
Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love is worst
Empty promises will wear
I know (i know)
And know when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Lyrics by Shontelle