Oddly distant...

I spent about 10 hours at work today...consults, meetings, phone calls, but hardly any client contact. Sometimes I spend so much time on their behalf with other agencies or entities that I hardly ever actually am able to spend quality time with them. I am so used to them struggling, fighting, doing drugs or whatever it is that they do, that when one of them is doing so well and spreads their wings to fly...I don't know what to do with myself. When you work with the chronically mental ill, success comes very slow if at all...looks different for everyone and sometimes can be the tiniest of change. I know I should feel proud of the work I have done with this certain person, there were many highs and lows along our journey but I find myself feeling sad that one of my "peeps" has outgrown the nest.

On to another topic, I have always been SUPER slow when it comes to women making passes at me (hitting on me)...I never see it until it is pointed out to me and then I feel stupid. It never occurs to me that someone, anyone would be attracted to me or find anything remotely enjoyable about me. Especially after the wicked breakup with Anji, I have been feeling very distant from my body...my emotions and I have been way too close lately. Not feeling at all likable or having the desire to date or even fake like I want to date. But it is nice to feel wanted...in any way.

I know I'm wanted at work...they need the body to do the work but it's not so much about me as it is they just need a seat filled. I rarely if ever feel appreciated by my coworkers...not that it is a requirement of their job to give a rats ass about me. And I don't seem to make the right decisions to them, everyone has their .75 cents of opinions but rarely ever consider the work I have already done or the avenues I have already tread in an effort to help a client. The average life span of a Mental Health Professional (that's me) in ACT programs is a year...that's how insane and difficult the work is we do. September marks my third year. Am I crazy to still be there...probably. But I feel a loyalty to my boss Fred, he has been the best boss I have ever had...and I have had many. Here in Washington the unemployment rate is typically around 9-10 percent. I am thankful each day that I am a part of the other percent that has work. Yet somewhere deep inside, this job is killing me. The demands are high, impossibly high and the help is low...really low. There is a major disconnect between administration and clinical services...mostly driven by money or the lack of it. Even in state budgets the first things to go are human services...no one cares about the mentally ill until one of them kill someone or get arrested for lewd behavior or stealing from a store. Sigh.

Maybe my distance is a protective thing...not odd at all. I'm overloaded, under paid, emotionally a wreck and spiritually bankrupt. I suppose all those above make being distant a necessity.