Two steps forward, one step back...

I need this process to be linear...this going back and forth regarding healing or hurting is like a wicked ride at the fair, and I really want to get off. I need one day to be better than the next. No going back...not even a little. It feels like a waste of my effort and frankly demotes all the energy I've spent in moving on with my life. Not even my own sense of self respects the work I've been putting into bettering myself and becoming the deb I hear people tell me I can be. I wish I could give myself therapy like the therapy I give to others...clear, directive, supportive, and positive. In fact, one of my themes for those that can grasp the idea, is that everything starts with one step...it doesn't matter how big the step is, just as long as it's a step. And as you take your steps, there will be times that you will end up taking steps backwards...but that's okay because at least you are moving and that's all that matters. But I can't seem to "therapize" myself.
All of this comes from a place I found myself last Thursday...I woke up remembering a dream I had about Anji and Jess too, they were together, I was okay with that...which I am actually, but for the first time in a long time in this dream I was able to talk with Anji like we used to when we were friends. Her eyes weren't cold or hard, she smiled and laughed...it was as if none of this had ever happened and we were friends again. I lay in bed thinking about it, realizing that our interaction in the dream was easy, relaxed, free of demands and worry...she was like the Anji I had fallen in love with. And as I lay there, I realized that a strange calmness came over me and for the first time in over 3 months I smiled while thinking of her. I felt...at peace.
Days have come and gone since then, and some days my hate consumes me, while other days I think little of her but miss Zachary so much it makes my heart ache. But I think I am...I really hope I am, at the point where I can TRY to pray to TRY and forgive her. I will never forget what she has done...the enormous gaping wound that she ripped open that on occasion still flows freely. But for my own sanity and future I need to forgive her and I know I've talked about this before but it's different than with my dad. It took me 12 years or so to forgive him, I beg of God that this doesn't take anywhere near that amount of time for this wound to heal. I do not have the time, the energy, the desire, the ability to make it that long.
As for my emotional health, it too comes and goes. I am for the most part no longer actively suicidal...that need or desire has become passive and not as all consuming as it once was. Yesterday driving over one of our bridges it was merely the car that kept me on the road and not ramming the barrier in hopes of driving into the inlet below. I wonder, if I did drive off the bridge...would I be calm as the water filled the car? Would I struggle to the last minute and stare through the window for my last glimpse of this world? Would I change my mind and try to get out...would anyone even notice my car in the bay? Would I push them away if they tried to rescue me, or let them take me to the surface? All these thoughts race through my head faster than the blink of an eye...maybe half a heart beat has passed. And those too sometimes I wish would stop. But they never do and I wonder why God makes me stay here. What is it that I have done to deserve this, what is there that I must learn, what mistake have I not corrected?

One of these days I will blog more about my childhood, but at this moment...these are the things on my mind. And so we come full circle...this life is like yet another ride at the fair that I want off of. I thought I could handle it, from the ground it didn't look so scary or threatening...but now that I am in the middle of this ride, I realize it is more than I can take and I worry that it will never stop...never let me off. I just want off...