Don't mistake my journaling as self pity...

Sometimes when I sit down to journal, I have a specific thing I want to say or work out in words what I cannot work out in my head. Those times end up as free flow thoughts which many times my entries are. I am by no means asking for pity, simply working out feelings and thoughts in the only way I feel safe doing. Everyday I struggle, some times I am good and have starting forgiving Anji and Jess and some times I have a rough day, and I fall back into being the pessimist that I was born to be. It just is who I am. I cannot help it. Mostly due to the chronic depression I have or the OCD or the ADHD or whatever, looking on the negative side is all I know...and if that makes people feel like what I write is me looking for a pity party, I assure you I am not. I am sharing my thoughts and feelings...good, bad or indifferent.
The last two nights I have been praying to God to help me forgive Anji and Jess, mostly Anji. And there are times I don't feel any anger toward her at all, sometimes I do. Like I've said before, my healing is not linear and each day is not necessarily better than the last. I am doing the best I can...and if how I heal or how slow I heal is a problem, then it is your problem. I will not be sorry for the thoughts and feelings I convey...this is MY journal. It may not sound like I have made any progress in the "my life sucks, I hate being who I am, how could someone who loved me hurt me like this" era...but I am, they are just little steps and some of you, even me sometimes may not see the movement.
Work takes a toll on my mental state, or sometimes lack of it. Always worried about being laid off, having our program shut down, being unemployed and that's not even taking into consideration the stress and strain of the work itself.
I was reminded last night that before I was born to this life, in the pre-existence I volunteered for this life. God showed me bits and pieces of what I would be, how I would be, and the trouble and happiness I would experience. It was no easy thing to do, deciding to come to Earth and be gay, have one parent, be a member of a church that pretty much loathes me, have my heart broken and broken again and have my spirit suffer so much in the process. But I did come forth when God asked who would take this life on, and I did stand up and I did say I would. I don't know why then and I don't know why now. But I did...and I am meant to be here despite my objections that currently happen almost daily.
I will overcome the lying and broken promises with Anji just as I did with my father. And maybe someday down the road, she and I might even be friends. Right now, I am just concentrating on being who I am and doing my job. And honestly, I still love her and I still miss her and my life is lesser for her and Zachary not being in it. But I am still hurt and until that ends or I get a better grasp around it and forgive her, it is hard to journal anything more than what I feel right now and this very moment.
I will move on, I may or may not find love again or want to spend my life with someone. I don't know. My job doesn't leave much time for a social life anyway. But I'm getting better. So please don't be so quick to think all I want is pity out of this. I want what everyone wants...love, happiness, a sense of belonging, friends, acceptance, and healing. Sometimes it just takes longer than we want.