It's been 6 days since...

I was finally able to begin praying each night to forgive Anji and to some extent Jess. It is some nights hard to pray, and some nights even harder to pray for the strength to forgive her. I guess lies and betrayal have a tendency to damage a heart as if it were nothing more than just a rock sitting beside a curb waiting to be kicked around and cast aside. Hearts a hard thing to heal, you patch one hole only to find it leaking somewhere else like a dam about to burst. Some days, I can control the flow of pain, others not so much. Sometimes, the ebb and flow happen so fast that my feelings change multiple times a day. But for 6 days now, no matter how many ebb and flows I go through, I am able to end my night with a prayer to God to give me the strength to forgive Anji and sometimes even the ability to try and someday be friends with her so I can be close to Zachary again. He has without a doubt been the hardest part for me to get over losing. Lies are one thing, removing a little boy I love as if my own is an entire different thing. But I still pray...even if He doesn't hear me. I'm sure God has much better things to do with his time then listen to me. But I pray anyway, because maybe not all my prayers make to His ears, but at the very least a couple will...statistically speaking anyway.

I had therapy today, I started talking about how angry I get, the rage that often builds inside me over this entire situation I find myself in. Talked about when I lost my mind at Girls Camp before I was a high school freshman, had a flood of memories come back to me about my abuses of various kinds that had happened to me when I was younger that I had blacked out of my mind until then. At the age of 14 or 15, I had no ways to cope with everything that was going on inside me, and so my self destructive phase began...hammering myself, cutting myself, scraping my face along jagged rocks, or sticking my arms in blackberry bushes. I lost my mind then, and some people would say I still haven't found it. But that would be my coping skill when something strikes to close to home...I make a joke. Anyhow, we discussed how there were important people in my life that I trusted to protect me that betrayed me, hurt me or lied and how to some extent this situation with Anji is just another manifestation of those earlier in my life that hurt me. It's hard to explain how my psychiatrist pulls all this information out of me, hangs on to the little details and then neatly wraps it in a bow at the end leaving me speechless because whatever it is, never occurred to me. The only person I have ever been angry with was my father, and I have forgiven him. I really only get super angry, like rage full when someone hurts my mom so it's hard for me to process the rage inside me over Anji is basically where we ended the session. He wanted to know why I never got angry with all the other people who have hurt or betrayed or lied to me...all I had to say was, because I don't care about me.

Clearly I must though, or I wouldn't be going to therapy, wouldn't be trying to overcome my self hatred and loathing. So somewhere deep inside I must think I am worthy of trying, or I would have let go by now. I don't know if any of this makes sense, it is hard to put into words that which you still don't quite understand yourself. It really isn't in my nature to be so angry with someone other than myself and I am really struggling with letting myself feel how I feel, process it and figure out what to do with it all without actually doing anything to hurt anyone. I know that Anji lied for 8 months and I'm tying to come to terms with that, but I think somewhere inside some corner of my heart, I do love her and want the best for her and I would never want harm to come to her. Hey, aren't are I a walking contradiction. Blech. Therapy confuses and confounds me and I do this as a profession, which leads me to wonder if those I counsel leave my office just as confused I am when I leave my sessions.

I am looking forward to the time when I can write on this blog that I have forgiven her, and am happy that things ended and that God let happen what needed to happen. I look forward to moving on, completely. I want very much to have our relationship, that particular aspect of our relationship in my rear view mirror and perhaps find a new friendship with each other or not. I don't know. I'm just ready to let this burdensome box of pain go...and I give it to God to deal with several times a day because I have this awful habit of taking it back once I give it over. Some days I lose track of how many times I give it to Him to deal with. But I'm going to keep doing it until it sticks and I no longer want or take it back.

For now, I keep moving...keep trying to make it through each day, keep praying at night to forgive her and each day keep giving the burden back that I keep trying to hold on to despite its toxicity. But I will succeed. I will. I don't know when, but it will happen.