Evolution of me...

After the dust settles and the wounds start to scab over, I can make out a faint noise in the background...something I haven't heard since May. It took a while to figure out what it was, low and behold it is the beating of my heart coming back to life. Beat, beat. It gets louder, and I can feel it under my skin...beat, beat. When I look in the mirror the haze has parted and I can see myself again, I can see pulsing in my veins as my heart beats...beat, beat. For so long I wanted that very heart to stop, to just ebb into silence and end. But it did not, and it's beating stronger than before...with a purpose, no longer drowning in the wounds that I have been dealt. I can listen to songs now that earlier would have driven my mind nearly insane, I can drive near her house while working and not have an aching to drive by, I can walk the halls of work now without remembering her steps beside me, I can go to places where memories of us were made and not hurt...I have back virtually all of what had been taken from me aside from our relationship and her son. And I have finally realized that her son, no matter how much I love him...was never mine to share. That has been the most hard of lessons for me to learn, along with understanding how a love that started so intense can burn itself out just a quick...leaving open wounds, lies and betrayal in its wake. But I'm okay with it now...more than okay actually. I'm doing dang well, family have come out of the wood work to support me, I have a great boss that offers his support, a great room mate at work that reminds me every day that God has a plan for me and just because the plan that I wanted didn't work out, doesn't mean that God has abandoned me or not heard my prayers. To you my lil grasshopper, I love in the purest sense even though you may never read this, I thank you. It is true that we never know the effect we have on other people...ones we know are watching but mostly the ones we never see.

I by no means am at 100%...but the bleeding has stopped, the wounds have scabbed over and aren't so sensitive anymore. I have reached a new level, while not completely forgiving her, I am finding solace in knowing that I am better for surviving this. I am stronger. I am happier. I value...me, for good or bad. I don't expect to not struggle, I don't even expect to live my life as if none of this ever happened, because I can't. I'm learning to embrace my journey and the experience and chalk it up as another stepping stone in the evolution of Debra Dawn Carlsen...