Last hours of clarity...

I start on call tomorrow...sleep will be hard to come by for the next 7 days. While there are many things I love about my job, there are many things I dislike...being on call is one of them. Working with the chronically mental ill population, the ones who have failed out of traditional outpatient programs, takes a special kind of person to do the job. I have yet to figure out if "special" is a good or bad trait. These are people who have been dealing with the most severe symptoms of Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective (mix of schizophrenia and bipolar) disorders since they were young adults...most are in their late 40's and 50's now. They have spent most of their time in correctional institutions or state psychiatric hospitals and have as a result lost the ability to socialize properly or perform the daily tasks that you and I take for granted. When I first started with this program one of the drug companies came by with a virtual "game" of what it would be like to have schizophrenia...to hear the voices, to feel stalked, paranoid, anxious, see things or people who aren't really there. I thought I had a pretty good handle on what it must feel like, I had after all majored in psychology and social work...I thought I knew. I didn't have a clue. I was only in the simulator for 15 minutes and I left crying my eyes out. I was crying for two reasons...it was shocking to me that I thought I knew, and I was so far off the mark and the other was thinking of all the clients I come in contact on a daily basis and to gain some insight into the torture that they are under every single minute of the day and night...and I couldn't handle 15 minutes.

I wish everyone could experience this simulation, get a really good perspective on what it's like to have your brain tell you everyone is after you, everyone lies, and presents people and things before you that are not there. The worst part is that the voices...while sometimes can be nice, the vast majority are evil, mean, and straight out of hell. It would be great if law enforcement could experience it, instead of beating up or killing someone who doesn't respond the way they want because they have a mental illness. Several clients that I know have been beaten, thrown in jail, tazed and arrested simply because they don't understand. I know for a fact, that if everyone had to experience 15 minutes of being schizophrenic...they would never judge another human being the same. In fact the other day while doing medication deliveries, I crossed paths with a homeless man in an alley...this was one of the coldest nights we have had this year thus far and he was huddled up in a ball so tight...not at all dressed for the weather...I felt compelled to take the blanket out of the trunk of my car and cover him with it. He never woke up, but I hope he got some warmth from it. It was the least I could do. The sad thing...aside from him being homeless and on the street...I watched several people pass him by and give him dirty looks and cross to the other side of the alley so they didn't have to walk by him. As if he was somehow contagious.

Funding keeps getting cut, because for whatever reasons the state and government don't think that social services need money...but as soon as someone is murdered or attacked by someone with a mental illness, everyone gets all pissed off and yells "why did no one stop this before it happened?" Well, budgets got cut, clinicians and therapists lost their jobs, housing resources were taken away and facilities meant to treat those in need were shut down. That's why. And it will always be why...until it directly affects those in power, the population I work with and those I work along side will be overlooked, underpaid, have resources pulled while expectations continue to increase. We can't do our job when you cut our "arms" and "legs" off. It is too bad that our society is reactive and not proactive...it would actually save money, lives and society. It's the basic quandary...short term vs. long term objectives. Our society and those in power are short sighted and the rest of us can't see beyond our noses.

I want people to understand that mental illness isn't funny...the jokes are in poor taste and the media do not portray mental illness as it really is. If you learn anything from this post, please learn to be kind to those who act differently than you...try not to judge them, you don't know anything about them even if you think you do. We all have a history, we all have our faults, we all have our stories...show some kindness. Please.