When waiting lasts forever...

My heart is very heavy right now, actually it has been feeling this way for a couple of days now. It's complicated to explain, and I don't even know what or how to say anything...I just know that I need to write, I can't keep these thoughts and feelings inside or I might explode. I've been consumed with thoughts that keep me up at night, thoughts that way heavy on my mind and make my heart feel as if it were going to stop beating. I guess in order to explain my thinking I have to back up a bit. So press rewind and let's go back to 2007-08, after Danielle and before Anji. I had met a woman who worked in the same offices I did, just not for the same company. She was really sweet, and attracted to me but she was in an "open relationship" with her long time girlfriend and so we didn't get that much time together. Granted I had little understanding of what being in an "open relationship" meant, but basically it was each of them could mess around with whoever they wanted but no traces could be left at the apartment indicating they had anyone over. It kind of made sense at the time, now it just confuses me more and I realize what an odd concept an open relationship is to me. And I have also come to realize that I am a monogamous type of person. So well, yeah.

Anyway, Christina promised me that I was different than all the others...we spent time together when she wasn't with her girlfriend and her girlfriend wasn't with other people. Did I mention how odd this was? Just checking. I really liked Christina, but I wasn't okay with feeling like I wasn't good enough to be worthy of being in a relationship with. We talked a lot about how unhappy she was with her girlfriend and how much she wanted to be with me, but she kept trying to get to get me to understand how complicated things were and that she couldn't just "break up" with her girlfriend. And for awhile I was okay with playing second choice. She said she was trying to get to the point that she would leave her girlfriend because they just didn't care about each other anymore. She was very convincing too. I waited for almost 9 months for her to find her way, to figure out whether she wanted to be with me (only) or if she was going to stay with her girlfriend, because I couldn't keep sharing her. At about the one month mark, she told me that she knew it was going to take a long time, and that I deserved to be happy and that I shouldn't wait for her. She also said that she realized that by the time she gets things figured out, it might be too late for us and she would have to deal with the fact that she missed out on me.

I waited, and waited. Kept hoping she would find herself and decide what would make her happy...even if being with me wasn't the answer. I really did just want her to be happy...even though being without her, made me sad. So like I said, I waited for her for 9 months...and then I had to let go. She hadn't made any progress towards making a decision one way or the other, and I decided that her inaction, really was a decision even if she didn't think it was. So I started dating other people. And about a month after I had started seeing Anji, Christina finally came to me and told me that she was ready and wanted to be with me. When she found out that I had moved on, she lost her mind...knowing that she had let me go and willingly gave me up. She tried for months to get me back, telling me what a mistake she had made and how sorry she was for hurting me and that she always wanted to be with me. I reminded her that she told me to move on and that she took responsibility in the event that when she finally figured herself out, there was a risk that I would not be there.

Her fears came true, I had moved on, tired of waiting for someone who wasn't willing to put their own happiness ahead of pissing off another person. It had less to do with me and more to do with the fact that she was content living with unhappiness, misery and someone who didn't even love her much less like her. She didn't realize how it killed me having to watch her live a life I knew she wasn't happy in. But I would have kept doing it, had she not trailed me along with the ideas that she was going to make a change and be with me. Only to find out that she had made no forward progress. There is enough misery in the world, I couldn't sit by and let her bring more into my life then was already there. I was working on trying to find my own place in this world and I would not sacrifice who I was by putting my life on hold for her. I have never had anyone regret a decision more than her...

So here is where I really struggle...I find myself in somewhat of the same situation now. I pray that love reaches through to this person, that she will grab hold of the happiness I know she deserves. Even if that happiness doesn't include me, I want so badly for her to be with someone who loves, appreciates, respects and encourages positive growth in her. I think I could be the best thing that could happen to her...I don't know why I feel that way, I just know how I feel and I'm starting to love her. And with each passing day, my heart falls deeper and harder and I'm scared this is just going to end in a repeat of Christina. I was able, however long it took, to walk away from Christina because I knew she wasn't doing the things she needed to be happy...I don't feel anywhere close to that about this person now. I am falling hard, I am falling fast for this woman and it would crush me to not have her in my life.

I have dreamt of us, in our older years...swinging together on a hammock in the spring time. The Cherry blossoms are in full bloom, the birds are singing and it is a warm day. We are swaying side to side...she is resting on her side next to me with half of her body laying on me as I lay on my back reading to her. The dogs play in the yard, a squirrel runs across the fence line and the breeze carries with it the smell of lilac trees from the yard across the street.

Sigh.

Updated list of 25 things...

I looked back at the original 25 list I did in 2009, and since so much has changed I decided that perhaps I would redo it for 2011. I'm not going to tag people, this is more just for show and tell purposes. Anyway, I hope I don't bore anyone to blindness.

1. I want to get a doctoral degree in child psychology...a masters might be acceptable.

2. I already have two books in mind to write and I'm thinking of a third currently.

3. I often wonder if my clients are right about life, and the rest of us are wrong.

4. Unrequited love is perhaps the most painful feeling in life aside from the death of a loved one.

5. I have one secret I will take to my grave...there might actually be two. But I'll stick to just thinking of one.

6. Aside from murder, I think I have violated each of the 10 commandments. Er, 9.

7. If I was not Mormon, I would be buddhist.

8. Potty humor is by far the funniest humor on Earth.

9. I am starting to believe I am not a mistake by being gay...I'm working on loving and accepting who I am.

10. I feel like I am a popular and athletic woman who is wrapped in this fat and burdened body.

11. I tried to kill myself 3 times in high school...I am now thankful that they were unsuccessful.

12. When I came out to my friends in college, I lost all of them that were in the church.

13. When I came out to my family, I lost most. But some have loved me extra hard to make up the difference.

14. My mom is my best friend, she always has been and always will be.

15. I have been abused, molested, and raped...but I still have love to give to people.

16. Roller derby has saved my life...and soul.

17. I love collecting rocks, sand and water from places I visit. (or from places friends visit)

18. Legos bring me so much happiness, I think there might actually be something wrong with me.

19. I don't care if there is something wrong with me, deal.

20. Music is my life...without it, life would suck. It would suck stinky, sweaty balls.

21. My greatest fear is being alone.

22. When I grow up, I want to matter. Somehow.

23. I'm way more sensitive then people know.

24. I work hard to hide my sensitivity with humor.

25. I hate how cruel people are to others, animals and the world.

Food for thought...

It is always a critical step in evolution...the step of understanding the difference between what you want vs. what you don't want. A simple idea but an action often hard to implement. So much attention is focused on making people figure out what they want in life, in a partner, in a job, in a family...so on and so on. We are led to believe that if figure that out, life will magically fall into place and we will get the so called 'happily ever after' affect. When in reality, what is most important in life, is finding what we DON'T want. Janet Jackson had it mostly right when she sang about the Pleasure Principle...we are human beings, and as such are pleasure driven and pain avoiding. There are of course the outliers that often skew the grading curve...the ones who get pleasure from pain, but for the sake of my delusionary thinking that anyone reads my blog...I will leave those outliers...out.

Everything that is worth a lot of money or important in our lives, comes with a manual. Think about it...your car, your stereo, your computer, your job, your phone...all come with owner's manuals. But we don't. The most important thing in our life...has no manual for how to care for it...how to love, cherish, worship, treat, and nourish OURSELVES. How fucked up is that? No manuals on how to adequately and appropriately love...

YOU.

So with that being said, we muddle our way through life making mistake after mistake, bouncing off of metaphorical walls. Getting into relationships that we think we are supposed to be in because someone on TV or in a book says so. Day time TV is full of 'how to' topics...in effort to somehow tell you what you should want for you...what is best for you. But really, shouldn't the person telling you what is best for you, be you? Only you can know what makes you truly happy. Only you know what has failed in the past, what has made things better...only you should be allowed to direct your path in this life. No one should ever have that power over you, no one should govern over you by power, threat, or guilt. Those in your life should work with you, help you, encourage and cheer you on. Friends and family should be your foundation for a better life...to want you to better your life not for something they may benefit from, but because they truly want your life better...because you do. No one should take from you, without giving in equal amounts. Not ever.

Our hearts and souls are like buckets...and the mistake we make, is giving and giving of the precious life sustaining liquid that nourishes us to everyone around us, without getting any in return. You serve no purpose in life if you give all of what you are, until the point you are empty. Then not only do you cease to exist for you, but for everyone who loves you. You must first sustain your life and only after you have your fill, do you share the excess with others. And only with those who return love and life to your bucket. There will always be people in this world that will take and take and take...with no regard or thought for the person they are draining. You cannot control them or the life they lead...your only responsibility is to determine just how much of who you really are deep down that you are willing to give up. To sacrifice for someone who doesn't even see your selfless gift as such. If it were not you, it would be someone else. And then someone else after them. So if you struggle deciding if you are worth caring for...try this on for size...are those you love and care for worth giving up? Because you short change them by letting anyone suck you dry and limiting your potential.

Just food for thought...

If I had one wish...

How many times have we thought about that question in its various forms...a genie in a bottle, four leaf clovers, blowing an eyelash from your finger, wishing on the first star you see at night, blowing out your birthday candles, wishing on the cracking of the turkey wish bone, so on and so on. The belief in having wishes has been around since people could rub two brain cells together to form a thought. True it may not have been defined as a "wish" but it has always been there. In fact wishing is so much a part of our culture...you can often exchange the word want in its place and get the same general outcome. I wish I could skate...I want to skate. I wish I could be with so and so...I want to be with so and so. I wish I could to efficient crossovers...I want to do efficient crossovers. Such a simple idea, but one is a direct action, one actually leads us to make a desired outcome actually happen. And one, does not. My point? I really have no idea. I sat down with the intention of writing something very different, and the above paragraph came out instead. I long ago stopped forcing my writing to take the path I thought it needed to go. I have learned that what comes out is true and real and must be said, even if I don't understand why. So there it is, take from it what you will or nothing at all. Either way, I can move on now...

The topic that I had intended on sitting down to discuss is the act of judging oneself. We all do it, we all hate it, yet we cannot stop. The worst part of it all, is that we are our own worst judges. Our vision is skewed and faulty, yet knowing that full well we still judge ourselves. If our judgement was say, a dishwasher...that was faulty and not cleaning the dishes right...would we keep using it? No. We would call a repair dude to come in and clean out the crap, fix whatever was broken so that we could again wash our dishes so they would come out clean each and every time we put dirty dishes in. Why do we not act the same when it comes to ourselves? Because we are always the exceptions to the rule. It is impossible for us as a species to see ourselves clearly. Our experiences, our history, our family and friends, everything we do and have gone through color our lenses...some things provide us a beautiful array of dazzling colors, while others just smudge the dirt around much like a dirty windshield. Yes, we push around the dirt and crap, but instead of cleaning the lens we just spread the filth and make it harder to see. So, what do we use in a car to help our vision? Wiper fluid...to help wash the lens clean. Our friends, the true friends in our lives and those that love and accept us for who and what we are inside and out, are our wiper fluid. They give us the view of ourselves we lack. Perspective with which we can get a better picture of where we are in relation to the world. Those that embrace us, wash away the shit that we put on our lenses, as well as the shit others dump on us. The expectations, the lies, the betrayals, the drama...all the shit that people throw at us...can be washed away with the love and acceptance of those who cherish us.

So why don't we use more fluid in our lives? Why do we let layers and layers of shit cake onto us to the point the nozzles are frozen shut? Why do we let people make us question who we are? When we, are the best person to vouch for our true intentions...why can we not forgive ourselves like we forgive others? Why do we let the insecurities of others bury us in their shit? It is not ours to own. It does not belong to us and it is not ours to carry. We can help each other to see ourselves more clearly, but we cannot do the work for others. They must want to see the vision of who they are for themselves. Much like you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. We must want to improve ourselves, we must want to change what we see, with what vision, and determine where the limit is. And when we reach that limit...be able to say "no more." I will no longer be subject to your lies, your view of who you think I should be. I am me, and if you cannot love me for me, then you do not deserve me.

It is okay...it is more than okay to limit the anchors that pull you down. We all need to have people in our lives that lift us up to be better human beings, to create a better world than how we found it. There is no rule in life that says we must carry dead weight. The only rule...is to love yourself. And I'm getting there. Are you?

What a year can mean...

A year ago the content life I was living with my then girlfriend and her little boy...came to a crashing halt when who she really was finally revealed itself, leaving me to find the lies and betrayal and pulling her little boy from my life. Those actions sent me into a horrible downward spiral that I was sure was going to take my life. I had never hurt so badly before, I had never doubted everything in my life more and I spent endless nights praying that God would stop my heart in the middle of the night so I wouldn't have to wake up in the morning. Tear after tear poured out of me creating a seemingly endless sea that should have drowned my very soul. There was a time that I thought the only way to live was to admit myself to a mental hospital...I felt so wrecked inside.

Minutes turned into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months...and now here it is a year later. I am still alive, still employed, I have friends in my life that love me, I have family that for the most part love and support me...and I have totally moved on. It is true that I never wanted to ever fall in love again, it is true that I promised myself that I would never give my heart to another person...I had every intent on spending the rest of my life alone. I figured if I spent enough time working and doing derby related things, and made lots of friends that would be all I needed. No more love. Not ever. Never again. It hurts too much...I almost didn't survive Anji. For a year the idea of love or being interested in someone like that made my heart cringe in utter fear and loathing. The idea actually made me physically ill. Back then, my head and heart agreed.

Not so much now it would seem. I have met a wonderful woman, a beautiful woman...inside and out who caught me totally off guard. I wasn't looking for someone, but I turned around and suddenly she was there. I don't even know how it happened, or when. One week she was just another person, and then the next week...she was more. I tried hard to just brush the feelings off, I still didn't want to be involved with anyone, and why would I expect anyone to be interested in me...I mean, well...it doesn't matter. Everyone who knows me, knows I hate myself so there's no reason to re-hash that commentary. In any event, I did try to avoid the feelings, I tried to just let them fall away...I tried. And so now I find my head and heart at war again. My head refuses to allow me to be with someone, my head tells me to not fall in love, my head tells me that this will only end in sadness. My heart...well, it doesn't tell me anything. It makes me feel...makes me long...makes me desire...makes me need. My head knows better, but my heart aches for her. She has no idea how she affects me, the feelings I feel, the thoughts that race through my head when I see her. I hate how my heart weakens me...shakes my resolve and makes me question myself. Love is so confusing...I don't think I can live with her, or without her...or love for that matter.

She is on my mind everyday...she is the last thing I think about at night, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I wonder what she is doing during the day...if she is happy, safe, content? While I badly want her to know my true feelings, I cannot afford to be that weak. Giving someone that kind of power over me again...scares the shit out of me. What if she doesn't like me the way I like her? What if I am only a game to her? What if I am only a fun and playful distraction in an otherwise crazy world? Is it really better to have loved and lost then never to have loved? Sigh. I don't know. Love is a bitter sweet pill...it can bring unmeasurable amounts of love with an equal measure of pain. I don't know if I am strong enough to handle another heart break. In fact, I'm not sure how much of my heart is even still intact after the devastation that Anji left in her wake.

If it was up to my head, I would not give her a second thought. If it were up to my heart, I would show up at her doorstep with flowers. The battle wages on, there is no clear victor. I don't know what I have to gain, but I know I have a lot to lose. When I'm away from her, my head tends to wage its war with clear vengeance, but when I'm with her, my heart is in full attack mode. I want my heart to win.

So I guess, when and if the time comes...whatever is left of my heart, she can have.

Damaged goods...

I'm sorry it has been so long since last I wrote...not that I expect a lot of people really care, but for those that do read my blog to keep up with me, I do apologize. Things have been very busy for me lately...work of course takes up the standard 40-50 hours a week. Derby in its various forms ends up taking about another 8-12 hours and driving back and forth between Marysville, Seattle and Bellevue eat up another 4-6 hours every week. At some point, I do try and sleep...though I don't seem to sleep well even when I make the time. May is a rough time for me, its been a year since Anji split from me, and I recently found out that she and the girl she was seeing while with me...well, they are "partnered" now...married, whatever. For a while there I thought my life was going to end when she broke my heart, I just couldn't imagine being able to heal after that kind of pain. And yet, here I am. And I'm not really upset that she and that other woman are together. I'm actually pretty fine with it, I still don't wish her any happiness but I don't wish her any ill will. I continue to miss Zachary...but with time at some point his memory will fade just like it has with hers.

Derby has saved my life...it is true there has been a lot of drama and some heartache, but overall derby is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I continue to meet some amazing people, so are very close to me while others are at a comfortable distance, but there for me nonetheless. I am heavily involved in a new derby league 'OneWorld Roller Derby' and am so happy to be a part of the founding members of the league. The amazing Hot Flash is our coach and mentor...the complete lead in all this craziness. I have come to really admire and love her. While others who have claimed to stand with me through everything and to always have my back, have in turned stabbed the back they once claimed to protect. I haven't been back on skates in a long while, and have found myself scared to get back on them. And others have made it known to me that they don't like me being around if I am not going to skate...that I am only involved with derby so I can "get some ass"...among other homophobic rants. I work with OWRD not only as a founding member, helper but I am also the league photographer...but soon I will likely be the one putting together the league newsletter. So, yeah...did I mention that I am really busy?

The poems that I last put on this blog, were about an incredible woman that I have recently met...and have started falling for. Hard. I don't think I stand much of a chance with her, but she's amazing. Life is complicated and we all know that I suck at relationships...so sometimes I don't know why I even entertain the idea of being with someone. I don't expect her to like me, let alone fall in love with me. She has her own life and distance from my world. After Anji, I promised myself that I would NEVER be in a romantic relationship with another woman, or guy for that matter. No more love...I can exist without it. The pain and heartache is just too much. And I end up screwing things up so not only do I lose a lover, I lose a best friend. While I am very attracted to this person, not just physically but mentally, spiritually...there is always a battle going on in my head that reminds me that I am 0 for 4 in relationships...and I really am so tired of losing good friends because I can't be what they want me to be. So that war rages in me daily...and of course the ever present voice in my head that reminds me that I am not allowed to be happy because I'm gay. So yeah...I'm damaged goods.

What if tomorrow never comes...

If tomorrow never comes

I would want to spend today with you

Just walking on the beach with the sand between our toes

Simply holding hands, no words need be said

Looking at you, your eyes so gentle

Your presence so calming, washes over me like the tide

If tomorrow never comes

I would want to spend today with you

Riding on a Harley, my arms wrapped around your waist

Or maybe your arms wrapped around mine.

On the tight turns you squeeze me tight.

My smile widens as the miles go by.

If tomorrow never comes

I would want to spend today with you

In a roller rink, just us two

Racing around and chasing each other

Laughing and laughing

As the wooden planks pass under our wheels.

If tomorrow never comes

I would want to spend today with you

Rocking in a hammock

Holding each other, humming a gentle tune.

With each sway of our bodies

I brush the hair out of your face and behind your ear.

If tomorrow never comes

I would want to spend today with you

Slow dancing under the trees

To music only we can hear

Feeling your skin beneath my touch

The goosebumps that raise as I whisper in your ear

If tomorrow never comes

I would want to spend today with you

talking

saying nothing

holding hands

walking

skating

laying

breathing

If tomorrow never comes

I would want to spend today with you.

Thinking of you...

I wish my thoughts were directable

So I could turn them from you

I wish my hands didn't search you out

So I could keep them from wanting to touch you

You don't belong to me, the truth is no one does

And I shouldn't think so much about you

I need to learn to put your thoughts on pause

Cuz I'm the only who suffers...burdened with thoughts of you

Your eyes they call to me

Even if in reality you don't

But I long for you to really see

Through my eyes...the vision you are before me...

My burden, my unrequited lust

Is for only me to know

And never to be shared...

I would die if ever I lost your trust.

For Now...

Sorry I have been strangely quiet as of late...there has been so much going on that I find one day running into the next. I have every intention of writing weekly but before I know it, weeks go by and I find myself forgetting all the great thoughts, feelings or motivational epiphanies that occur on an almost daily basis. There are so many great things going on in my life right now, so many excellent people that are fast becoming some of my best friends. I don't know if they feel that way, but I they are. I am busy most every night with something derby, and for the nights that are not occupied with derby, I am thinking of derby or communicating with derby people or the burden that has become mine to carry alone...guilt for not overcoming my fear, and skating. I do so many derby things, and yet none of them require me to be on skates. Yeah, I know...I'm chicken shit. I have been off skates for about a month now with my torn quad/groin/hammy thing and the longer I am off skates, the more scared I become to ever put them on my feet again. It is true what they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And I have many good intentions when it comes to derby...skating being just one of them.

I don't really want to get fully involved in a post right now, I just don't have the energy to provide an accurate picture of what life has been like for me since my last posting. I very much want to take serious time to devote to the wonderful, accepting and loving women I have met through OneWorld Roller Derby. They have become a major part of my life and as such deserve decent acknowledgement. I owe them that at the very least. So for now, this posting will have to serve as notice that I am still alive, still working, still doing derby...in whatever form that happens to take, and still journaling my personal journey through this life. Now just isn't the time. So, until the time presents itself...