::When money isn't enough::

::When money isn’t enough::

(response to the guitar auction)

I was sure I had enough money reserved in my savings account to do something really important for myself. I wanted to get a car, pay off the last bit of my mom’s mortgage but then came along this QFX auction...and then Chyler and Nathan put this amazing guitar up to make money for the Trevor Project. I stopped the minute I heard the announcement, my path became clear...I wanted that guitar. Yes, I realize I don’t know how to play but there was something so beautiful about that glorious instrument. I had to have it and that was before I knew about the 30 minute video chat. It wasn’t even about the ‘extras’ that drew me so strongly to that item...it was the cause it represented and the love and creativity that on so many occasions hummed from that guitar delicately played by loving hands.

Then I watched the Create Change panel and part of my heart ached at the story that Chyler shared providing the details of where the guitar came from, when she got it and from who. Suddenly the path that I thought was clear, abruptly changed direction and a new purpose was granted to me. I was going to dip into my savings account not because the story added even more of a reason for me to bid, but because my spirit told me to try and win the guitar so that I could let them keep it. Now, I’m not trying to come off as some sort of martyr, I am far from that. I just couldn’t understand trying to keep something that had so much personal worth and meaning for myself, it was something that should be kept in their family for their children to pass on with the story of how it came to be. I wasn’t acting selflessly with my intent, I could honestly say that nothing would have made me more happy than to turn around and give the guitar back, no strings attached. (pun intended)

I was prepared to offer up, admittedly more than I really could afford, but when the amount I had planned for not only passed but skyrocketed...I felt a deep sense of panic because I was losing my chance at giving Chyler and Nathan (family) a gift, something that could be remembered long after I move from this existence. So how much was my final bid you may ask…$3500. Yeah, you read that right and no, I’m not rolling in money and expendable cash. In fact, I’m a mental health social worker and it’s a well established fact that we make very little. Actually to put it in perspective, the amount of my final bid was 3 months of take home pay, after taxes of course. When the final second passed, the winning bid was over $7000...my heart shattered.

I sighed to no one in particular …”I never stood a chance.”

There are so many times in this world where we can do good for someone. Everything from saying hello to a stranger, holding a door open for someone or simply smiling. In that regard I try to do right by others, depending on what right means at any given time. I just know that over the last few days, there was nothing I wanted more than to get that guitar only to have it remain in their family. Tonight I feel like a bit of a failure, but I know that feeling will fade. I will continue to donate funds, not to my church in tithe but to charities and causes that my soul demands I take action for. We can make a real difference, not in giving money but by giving our time, talents and energy. There is so much more than monetary gains...but it does grease the wheels. 

Quality vs Quantity

Quality vs Quantity

(Yet more unsolicited thoughts after livestreaming #MotivationMonday)

Part of me wants to play off last week’s #MotivationMonday livestream like, “oh yeah that’s cool I have so much I can process and then write a totally awesomesauce response.” I’ve sat in front of my computer every day watching the cursor blink at me...blink, blink, blink. Like it’s taunting me, teasing me like a kindergarten game of tag and just when I get close enough to grasp my thoughts, they disappear leaving me alone. Now please don’t get me wrong, it’s not that Chyler and Nathan didn’t have anything important to say, because that is far from the truth. I have 14 quotes to use as inspiration so I shouldn’t be struggling...but I am. It’s hard to just find one or two comments to focus on sometimes because the issues are real, serious and ever so important. So as I sit here, it suddenly hits me like a two by four to the face, I think I have an idea…

During the Monday live streams both Nathan and Chyler have mentioned on numerous occasions that “Create Change doesn’t focus on the numbers game. It’s about quality, the community has strength because each of you have value as individuals.” I remember that Nathan started the comment, and Chyler finished it, like they are of one mind and insync as they march through the current minefield of chaos and strife to try and give others a path to follow. It tickled my brain funny when they said that because it reminded me of all my statistics courses in college when I learned about sample sizes, measures and types of studies used to form clinical hypotheses. It was burned into my brain so that it was easy to recall the different study types, specifically quality vs. quantity. Here, let me elaborate a little…

You can have a large sample size (participants) which equals quantity, or you can have a smaller sample size which equals quality. See the difference? The smaller the sample size, the less likely things will erupt in unforeseen chaos, and it’s somewhat easier to trust the results. When we think about our friendships, we for the most part prefer to have a smaller group that is close, trustworthy and shows protective traits and integrity. Larger groups are hard to maintain and lack the overall feel of safeness. Okay, now that I’ve bored you to blindness with my rambling, I did have a purpose to speak on...if I could just remember which pocket I put it in or which pair of pants I put that purpose in.

Part of Create Change, according to my opinion (that yes no one asked for) is to create a place for positivity, integrity, trust and learning. It’s a place that is designed to do exactly as the name states...to create change. Being a part of this community, costs nothing. No, really. It’s free to be a member, and of course you can pay for other ‘levels’ but it doesn’t change the content for anyone to learn or be a part of. The kicker here is that, when you subscribe to whichever level, you agree to speak kindly to others so that the space is a place where ANYONE can go and heal. No pressure, no fighting, no discrimination. You are welcome to come as you are, and celebrated for it. 

I know you’re wondering what the heck is my point, and here it is. Create Change is a quality endeavor where each and every individual is cherished and free to be who they are. So Nathan and Chyler are right when they say it’s not about the numbers, because it’s about the quality of each person and what they can bring to the Create Change family, community, world. Sure, massive numbers are impressive but I think that starting small and making sure it’s done right is the difference between success and failure. A close group of people, sharing a common vision or goal, is so much more powerful than a horde of people easily distracted and pulled apart. I mean when you think about it, there’s a term for this sort of thing...way back in the day, when trouble came around the settlers would ‘circle the wagons’ as a way to keep everyone together and protected. Okay, maybe not the best example but my point is that if we have faith in ourselves, each other and those we hold close...we create a safe network that can grow and encourage positive change and integrity, thereby spreading and creating the change that we so desperately are searching for. 

Start within and move forward.

Unstoppable

Unstoppable

(more unsolicited thoughts from my brain)

For anyone that knows me, I’m a very passionate and empathetic human with a desire to save the world one person at a time. This endeavor has been both problematic and exhilarating but more than anything it has, without a doubt humbled me to the point I have on numerous occasions been brought to my knees. I currently work two jobs, the first is working with the chronically mental ill population, the second has me working with those affected by substance addiction. Perhaps at some point I will list all the similarities between these populations but for now, let’s just focus on the latter group. My duties with this particular population are varied but with regard to this post, I will be strictly speaking about the group process and dynamics, of course no personal information can be shared so I’ll do my best to keep the story gap free. Apologies ahead of time if I falter.

I tend to be one of those therapists that have a couple of topics in mind for the group to discuss, but for the most part I let the group mostly steer itself. Sometimes the topic is borne from the political climate, health concerns, funding questions etc. The purpose for this is to allow the freedom for the day to day actions to have a place to go if need be, I mean who am I to force them into a box labeled ‘A’ if what they really need is to talk about the box labeled ‘X’...yeah, I don’t roll that way. The goal after all is to meet them where they are at, not make them meet me, if that makes any sense.

Last week I gave them a simple homework assignment to ‘do something nice for someone else without the expectation of getting anything in return’ and while I was prepared for minimal examples I was yet again humbled when the group took off like a rocket with ideas, examples and experiences that even now, leaves me somewhat speechless. One person bought lunch for a stranger that was hungry, another person stopped on the street to talk to a homeless man, yet another group member opened a business door for someone who was struggling and even one who usually looks down while walking around, decided to smile at whoever passed by them. I was stunned, stunned I tell you. Not because they actually did the assignment but because after they shared what they did, they used practical application to switch gears from focusing on themselves to what effect that could have if the moment of kindness spread beyond them. Without much direction, they steered the discussion to what boils down to as the basic tenant of creating change. 

It’s simple really in theory but for some reason in application people seem to struggle. So let me break it down for you because this is the fun part. Did you know that in the 24 hour day, there are 86,400 seconds? Yeah, neither did I. Fun fact, it takes less than 4 seconds to smile at someone. Oh, here’s another fun fact, it takes less than 7 seconds to open a door for someone. I know right!? Okay, here’s one more just for funzies...it takes 2.5 seconds to text ‘hi’ to someone. I know, I know you’re asking yourself what the point of all this seconds talk is...well, the group decided that if they could put just a tiny fraction of time into doing something nice for someone...as compared to how long they spent in active addictive behavior they could make the time to make someone else happy...thought of...cared for...worthy...seen.

Okay here’s where the practical application comes into play, ya ready? They decided that “doing something nice for someone was like flicking one domino and watching the rest all fall down.” They realized that just one momentary action could change the trajectory of each and every other domino and that despite not being involved in the falling of the last domino, the initial catalyst was their choice to make action on the first domino. They decided that if one kind or compassionate act could change the direction of someone’s day, that maybe that single act would spread. While we may never know what that one single act culminated in, the possibilities are endless and the positivity shared exponential. After all it only takes one tiny pebble thrown in a lake to have ripples that reach every square inch of the shore. 

Without realizing it, the group started to understand the bigger picture on how to create positive change in the world. One member said, “so wait, I don’t have to be writing laws or be in political office to make changes in this country? I can work on myself and do good things for those around me, whether I know them or not and still do good?” I sat in stunned silence before another group member chimed in saying, “duh. How do you think things get going? One person starts, then someone else joins and pretty soon it snowballs and BAM, change.” So yeah, I guess it really is that simple. Makes you wonder why we don’t band together more often in an effort to make this place we call home, better...

Okay, enough rambling. I guess the takeaway here is that we are so much more than the sum of our parts. Imagine what we could do, if we could focus our energy in a common direction, for a common cause...imagine what it would be like if we could treat each and every person we meet like they matter. Like they are heard. Like they are loved. I know we all prize our individuality, but as a species we are made to be social. We have lost our way as a communal species, we have forgotten to ‘love one another’ and in doing so, we have left our fellow brothers and sisters behind. Not necessarily on purpose or by design, but because we’re in a hurry or consumed by our own internal thoughts, battles and demons. If we share the load, distribute the burden, and work as a team it wouldn’t be so hard to go from ‘A’ to ‘B’. 

The group came to the conclusion that starting small, with whatever it is, big things could happen. So to anyone out there reading this, I know right now it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and alone, but if you bring your focus closer to home you’ll find your vision gets clearer.

If we could just start with ourselves, eventually we would simply be UNSTOPPABLE.

#WearYourPride

#WearYourPride

I’m pretty sure I’ve been overthinking this assignment, but try as I might I can’t seem to simplify it so that I can feel ‘pride.’ I know that sounds horrible, and I wish I could say that I wear my pride and live freely but the truth of the matter...I don’t. It’s not because I can’t, in theory I can but I guess when it comes down to brass tacks, I don’t know how. I don’t know how to exist on this earth as a whole person, so rather than risk everything, I gently try and negotiate the barbed wire on the fence that has become my life. One foot in my religion, ever unrelenting with its expectations to be heterosexual, marry and have kids. Meanwhile my other foot is living a mild yet gay life. Opposing views, fraught with landmines that on any given day will trip me up, setting off mental explosions triggering self-loathing on demand either for turning from who I am, or for not fully embracing what I am. Much like oil and water, sure the vision can be pretty but they never really mix.

I hate to make this analogy but it literally just came to me...so buckle up buttercup. Supergirl is essentially made up of two parts, her blood is Kryptonian but she lives a human experience. Every so often an episode airs where she is struggling with who or what she is, and how she can’t seem to merge the two lives into one and that’s the closest I can come to help you understand what it’s like living as a gay Mormon. I can no more stop being Mormon than Supergirl can escape the deadly results of Kryptonite. I can no more deny being attracted to women than Supergirl can breath outside Earth’s atmosphere. While there are far worse ways to live, having your eternal salvation risked and questioned with every beat of your heart, is miserable. I exist, without really existing.

So when we talk about pride, I don’t experience it like many of those like me do...and part of me has given up trying. But I will tell you this, I do have pride and I’ve worked damn hard for it.

My pride comes from being me, whoever that is faults and all, and in helping others. My pride comes from comforting those who are cast aside, providing resources to those who are lost and giving others hope when life has become all consuming. When I’m being a therapist, that is when I wear my pride. It’s not a feeling of superiority or being better than someone else, honestly, it’s the closest I feel to God and the Universe. It’s being present with someone, without expectations and judgement. It’s about doing for others, what I fail to do for myself. 

I may never find peace as a gay woman and I may never find peace as a Mormon, but I find peace and strength in giving, supporting and encouraging those I walk this earth with. So if that counts, than being a therapist and social worker is where I can #WearYourPride.

Positive Change

#MotivationMonday 

*Just some more unsolicited thoughts from Chyler and Nathan’s Instagram Video*

There’s so much going on in the world right now that it’s easy to feel overwhelmed to the point of indifference and apathy. Society experiences trauma related grief much the same as the body does...it starts off in shock, trying to make sense of something that is so out of the normal limit. We move to denial, because after all, have we not moved past all the injustice and prejudice that previously ripped apart our country. Pretty soon the anger sets in, or rather rises up from the depths of our tormented souls because all that we know is suddenly changing and we are forced to question our own reality. Before the chaos is able to settle, we make deals with God and the Universe. We play the ‘what if’ game and create scenarios that will make the new reality fit the old scheme, it’s this bargaining that takes its toll because what was, can no longer be. Because our cries and prayers and mental manipulations fail us, we turn inward, isolate and become depressed. We lash out at others, trying desperately to either pull ourselves up or pull others down so we aren’t so alone. At some point, we start to take in our world with new eyes, and we learn new skills and welcome new experiences. It is at this point, we are able to understand acceptance. 

Just for clarification, acceptance doesn’t mean that everything is great, it just means that the trauma is now something that can be understood and learned from. The wounds are still present, but not so fresh, raw and bloody...but when we keep getting injured or rip off bandages from earlier wounds...the process starts all over. The thing is, the body is not created to sustain life in a constant state of trauma and/or grief. The stress weakens us at a very cellular level, leading to early death, mental illness, addictions etc. We as a species and a society are not designed for this process so we find ourselves at a crossroads. A very literal line in the sand where we either stop or move. Also known as ‘fight or flight’ and at this moment in time...society has claimed the right to fight and we find ourselves in the middle of what seems to be a neverending traumatic event and the collective consciousness is grieving. Our world quite frankly, is in a constant state of shock. 

Everyday we are confronted with the negativity as it screams so loudly that many of us can’t hear our own thoughts, and we easily become consumed with the raw emotions circling around us. There are so many hands reaching for help, so many mouths screaming insults and so many opinions fighting for dominance that in all honesty...you can actually feel gravity has doubled, crushing everything we are and can be. We want to lash out, find retribution but contempt breeds contempt...and in the depths of darkness, we search for light. Chyler mentioned that Create Change is about “changing the world with positivity”...it is that positivity, that light, that curses the darkness and stands as a beacon to guide, comfort and lead. In that light we learn and grow and bring hope where otherwise there was none. When we force out the darkness, only light remains...that is how we make change. Not by fighting, or hurling insults or getting even despite feeling that would make us feel whole, it would be an empty victory. 

Lasting change in this world does not come at the end of a gun, or by legal authority. It comes by making positive changes to our lives, our communities, our country...our world. That is the only way we can stop the trauma and find a way to heal. It’s past time to stop the vicious cycle, but understand that taking a stand is only part of the equation. We are at a point where it is necessary to educate, encourage, support and love each other because of our differences. Because we are capable of so much more, bigger and better things, when we come together and embrace our uniqueness nothing can stop our evolution. If we keep this motivation going, if we keep seeking positive change...each generation will better itself. When we create change within ourselves, the light and growth cannot be contained and those around us will be drawn to our hope and joy, further spreading more change. I suppose you could think of positive change as a summer camp rash that you get from swimming in the lake. You have a good time, notice a small change and eventually it’s everywhere. But just to clarify, it’s a good kind of algae and rash.

Open Letter: Chyler Leigh

*Open response letter to Chyler’s #WearYourPride statement on CreateChange.me*

Life is so rarely what we want it to be...there are endless plot twists, journeys that don’t end in just one episode and villains that don’t ‘suddenly get a change of heart.’ The storyline is often fraught with danger, littered with inequalities and lacking social justice just to name a few. Many are locked behind the ‘8 ball’ well before they enter this world in the physical form. It’s true there is no manual on how to live this life and we learn as we go, finding what we do and don’t like and somewhere along the way, the lucky ones find their ‘families or tribes.’ Learning to accept yourself, finding peace and acceptance is an arduous and messy journey that can at times feel never ending and damn lonely. In fact, I’m still trying to just find a way to break even, and feel like I can be loved, but this isn’t about me...it’s about the glorious woman you are, that God/Universe has made you to be and the evolution of your design. Of course I can only speak to the ‘you’ that is readily available to the general public as I am not privy to the life you lead day in and day out. Rightfully so mind you, none of us in this world are owed anything by you, your husband or your family. 

With that being said, I read your statement about an hour after it was posted and silently watched as the world according to social media metaphorically blew up. It didn’t seem to matter much what platform I was observing, each had supporters and detractors, each seemed bogged down in confusion and the immediate need to label and squeeze you into a box and each had arguments for and against making said statements. This is truly one of those times where I reserve the right to state, “opinions are like assholes, everybodies got one.” So here I was just sitting back and seeing sides being taken, more battle lines being drawn in the sand and verbal grenades being tossed by each side...all in the name of “what’s right.” I remember the exact moment that I closed my laptop, took a deep breath and started crying. 

While I do not know your exact thoughts and feelings, and I do not even have a glimpse into what you and your family experience has and continues to be like, part of me shares a similar pain. As a born and raised Mormon, anyone other than straight is shamed, deemed less and for the most part, cast aside. I sat each week in church and learned to hate everything that I am, or could be even before I knew the language to express myself. I was always the ‘tomboy’ who would eventually outgrow it, get married and have lots of kids. When I finally gave in to who I was...I lost my housing, my support system, my friends, my church, and members of my family. For many years my lone source of support was my mother, who unlike many others, including myself...accepted me as is, not despite who I am but because of who I am. She tells me that “God is bigger than all of us and knows more than we give Him credit for.” She believes that in the end, God will make it right. She understands the teachings of the church and the guilt and shame I awake with every day and to some degree has an understanding for the fact that I am trying to be two things, with opposite views at the same time. A war that I would not wish on anyone...but have come to learn so many others share.

Which brings me back around to your statement, my response and ultimately my enduring gratitude. While others are solely focused on labeling you, or taking sides I simply want to thank you for living your life. I want to thank you and Nathan for breathing life into Create Change and allowing the rest of the world to share in that journey for better or worse. I want to thank you for your acting career as I have only recently discovered your character of Alex Danvers, a character that you play with great conviction, honesty and integrity. It was only about a month ago that I got to the ‘coming out episode’ and I will admit I had to watch that scene several times...it pulled at my heart to the point I thought it may literally fall to the floor in front of me. I remember the terrifying feeling inside me when I finally realized and verbalized my new existence. I don’t know any higher praise to give an actor outside of saying that you moved me to tears Chyler. 

I also want to thank you and Nathan for bringing forth Create Change, one of the most amazing communities I have ever had the pleasure of belonging to. Thank you for your heart, your mind, your vision, your strength and compassion...thank you for loving us. Regardless of the pain you have been through or where anyone is along this path, both you and Nathan offer acceptance, love and understanding. You not only preach the message, you show the message through action and actually live it. Time is the most precious gift we can give someone because it will never be regained, we just don’t get more no matter how hard we try. So the fact that you devote so much time to others, says more than a million pictures could ever do. It’s not about money, fame or reputation...it’s about heart, love and loyalty. It’s easy to throw money at a cause, stick a hashtag in front of some wise and witty words...but to really invest your time, that is God’s and the Universe’s work. There is no higher calling.

I’ll end my rambling response with this, I know you said that you and Nathan found yourselves on a “long and lonely road” after your character came out...I’m here to tell you that sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes out of the burning fire that is our lives finally settles down, we rise from the ashes fortified and stronger, with purpose and clarity. Part of our worth is not found in the amount of times we are knocked down, but in how many times we rise from the floor, dust ourselves off and move forward. We are stronger together, stronger for the wounds we take and the scars that fade into our memories. Yeah, there is a lot about this life that frankly, sucks soggy crackers...but I have to believe it is for a reason, a purpose. This belief in cause and effect is the only way I can make sense of this world, especially at this point in time. Just think if you had not taken the role of Alex Danvers...how much of your current life would be drastically different.

Afterall, had you not experienced her coming out, perhaps it would have been a hollow acting experience for you...the cast/crew, your family and ultimately those of us in the Create Change community or maybe you never would have shared your truth and issued the rally cry to #WearYourPride…

I don’t think you or Nathan will ever understand just how vital you are to the world we live in and please know that you were never alone.

Intentions

 I’ve been struggling for quite a while trying to put my thoughts into some sort of coherent statement and despite the numerous times that I have started and then stopped and started again, I do wish that things would be different for me. Actually I can’t really say that either because I have the power to change things but I don’t want to. I know that’s very cryptic and I don’t mean it to be but nevertheless here I am. For those that don’t know or whom I have not talked with about this, I have felt pretty broken since I was three. I don’t know actually if broken is the right term, maybe wrong is a better term? I just remember feeling different and not normal. And I’m tired of feeling that way because it’s never gone away. I’m 45 and I’m tired of feeling how I feel. I’m tired of feeling a lack of direction, I’m tired of waiting for my life to start but at the same time wanting it to be done. I just feel stuck, I feel stuck all the time. I’ve been talking a lot to God, granted he doesn’t really have much to say to me in return but I’ve nonetheless been trying to express my feelings to him. 

I’m angry all the time, I have a good life. I don’t know why I’m so angry and I don’t know why I feel so broken but it’s always been there. Even when I’ve been happy it feels fake and forced. I literally just want to be done. I’ve never been one to shy away from being truthful about who and what I am, so I guess this is an attempt at making sure everyone knows my intentions so I don’t feel like I’m lying to anyone. So here’s my truth. I have no intentions of living after my mom dies. I tried killing myself when I was in high school when a lot of bad memories resurfaced and I lost my mind. I take medications, I have a therapist I do all of that stuff but it does not change anything about me aside from the fact that on my antidepressants I don’t cry at car commercials anymore. But my intentions remain the same as they have since I was 15. I fully intend to kill myself once my mom passes away because my sole purpose for living is for her. I realize that sounds very melodramatic but I assure you this is something that I have thought about almost every day of my life and what actually terrifies me the most is that I will chicken out and continue to live feeling like shit. That terrifies me more than anything, just being alone on this planet watching it burn and being stuck inside myself. I don’t understand why I’m here. I don’t understand why I agreed to come here. 

I believe that I agreed to come and have this life but I don’t think I realized how horrible I would feel being here, being lost, hating myself and never feeling right. I mean when I was three I didn’t feel right, three fucking years old and running from demons. Granted I had no idea what being gay meant or any sort of thing like that, I just knew that something was wrong with me, I just know that something is wrong with me and I don’t just mean about being a queer Mormon. Although honestly that does not help because neither of those can I escape from. I can pretend only so long that I am OK. Please don’t misunderstand, I do have a very good life. Despite the molestations and sexual assaults and all of that other crap that happened to me, I’ve had a very good life. My mother is the loudest and strongest woman and best friend that I could ever have. She accepted me before I even began to understand anything about the world. She’s always been there for me and that alone is the best part of my life. 

I really feel like this commentary is sort of all over the place and my thoughts are not well aligned or organized so I would just ask that you take what you want and leave the rest. Since my mom is the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my lifetime those who know her should count themselves extremely blessed. As for myself I have always felt like a waste of space, waste of time, and it sounds so trite when I say it out loud but I can’t change how I feel. No matter how much medication I take or how happy I may be, deep down I still feel lost and alone and afraid and worthless. At the same time I know I’m an amazing therapist and all of the wonderful things that I can do as a therapist I cannot actively apply in my own life. Guess I just feel like a lie.

 I’m angry with God because I have all of these mixed up things going on in my mind but I’m hugely compassionate and empathetic and it kills me every day to watch this world burn. But I know that it’s going to get worse because that’s what we do. We make things worse. We literally are a parasite to this world and it’s sad to see the things that we do to each other All because we have free will. It’s a shame that we can’t do better when I know that we could be better. Regardless of those thoughts I just don’t feel like I belong here, and I don’t want to belong here. I don’t want to feel better, I don’t want to love myself, I don’t want any of that bullshit. I just want to be done. It’s not about self acceptance because honestly I will never except myself in any way shape or form because in order to go to heaven I have to be a certain way and I can’t be that way. No matter what I do in this life it will never be enough to overcome being gay and being broken. I did what I was supposed to do. I came here, I got a body, why am I still here?

Every day I go through the same storyline in my head, the same storyline with pretty much the same ending. I don’t understand what any of this is for. I had no intentions of living as long as I have, now I understand though that I’m here to take care of my mom and I’m totally OK with that, everything else however is it agony. I’m just sort of always stuck in the middle of nowhere. I can’t move on I can’t back up I can’t go to the side. I’m just stuck and I’ve been stuck for so long that I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’m not remotely saying I’m going to kill myself now I am not actively suicidal. I will say though that I am very passively suicidal. I think of ways to die almost every day, not different ways to die every day because that’s a lot of different ways to die that yeah I digress. It is difficult though to stay alive when so much of myself doesn’t want to keep breathing. I don’t think people understand how hard it is to get up every day and pretend that there’s a purpose. 

I do have a fair amount of trepidation at the thought of actually publishing this, there’s a million ways it could go completely wrong and be used for all sorts of nefarious reasons but like I said I guess I just don’t care anymore. And I don’t want anyone thinking that my killing myself at some point came out of the blue or that I didn’t think it through. Because I assure you I have in great detail for many years. I know that any of my friends or family that read this will likely be concerned and really want to figure out a way to help me or fix me or make things better but I don’t want you to feel that way because that’s not the purpose of this post. I actually don’t even know what the purpose is anymore but I need to get it out. 

So I guess it’s out. 

Change Happens Within

#MotivationMonday with Create Change

*Just more unsolicited thoughts inspired by a comment or two from the Instagram live post. *

Sometimes when we’re just going about our life, day in and day out we lose track of things that may have once had more meaning or held our gaze a little longer than the average. You know the times I speak of, we all do it…put our head down and follow the well-worn path whether that instinct is borne of our stressful lives, lack of time, philosophies or anxiety…we do it without thinking. Many a poet has described the action of narrow focus to include tunnel vision, wearing blinders, digging one’s head into the sand…all implications lobbed to justify a lack of introspection and observation. As if staying blind to the slights of the world will somehow relieve us all of the duty we inherently have to our brothers and sisters.

While the act of focusing is not inherently at issue, it is what we do with our attentions that define us. I know we’ve all heard the saying, “those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it” and what may you ask, is the point of bringing that up? Well, history is an amazing teacher but only if we want to learn. History is littered with horrific examples of abuses of power, discrimination, torture, plague, war and famine. Yet, the existence of those events are not what I am speaking to, rather I’m speaking to the notion that if you look away, look down or close your eyes…you make a conscience choice. 

I realize this notion may challenge your established beliefs, but at some level you must understand that in every inaction, there fundamentally is, action. It is at these times that silence can become deafening, like the ringing in your ears from church bells…clouding your mind, numbing your senses and distorting your understanding. Injustice comes in many forms, but it’s the well dressed majority who are highly educated I’m imploring to wake up. Open your eyes, shift your vision and see the world without your picture perfect lenses. The very same lenses that watched Hitler slaughter millions, currently stand by while the world burns.

Passive action is all around us and has become a popular rallying cry for those who want to appear that they have acted with empathy. In fact, the clearest example that comes to mind is that of political members who pride themselves on ‘reaching across the aisle’ as though that is something to be proud of. Well I’m here to tell you, it simply is not enough. Staying in your seat and ‘reaching’ shows little effort at trying to fully embrace what another is going through. Simply put, that action is merely sympathy and is punctuated by passiveness. The world deserves the opposite in every way…instead of ‘reaching across the aisle,’ get up out of your seat. Walk across the aisle, stand in the shoes of someone other than yourself. Talk with others, especially those you share no commonalties with. Truly listen to the stories, hear the tones in their voices and allow yourself to feel what the other side is like. Stop supporting passive sympathy, stop giving it a voice and realign your thinking so you can engage with empathy. Acting with empathy is the greatest gift we can give not only to ourselves but those around us, it is at its core…active.

As for history, that my friends is a fallacy because until we actually make progress…before we actually create change, history remains present.

I know change is hard, it’s scary and it’s unknown. But don’t you see that in those moments, the moments that terrify us, challenging the established norm can bring us understanding and growth. It can bring us together, unify us and bring us closer to equality and justice. Yes, there is still so much work to do, the battle may seem overwhelming and grandiose but hear Chyler’s words…really listen when she says, “change happens within yourself first, one step at a time.” I just want to remind you that we all want the same things in life regardless of culture, religion, philosophy, gender or color…we all want to be loved, heard, understood and accepted. Not despite our differences, but because of our differences.

 It’s a conscience choice to do good, to speak up and fight for what you believe in. So, hear me now, we can be more. We can be the tidal wave that erodes the hate and injustice from our shore…yes, each individual may not be the surge but if we come together just imagine what we could do.

Imagine what we could become if we would create change.