Intentions

 I’ve been struggling for quite a while trying to put my thoughts into some sort of coherent statement and despite the numerous times that I have started and then stopped and started again, I do wish that things would be different for me. Actually I can’t really say that either because I have the power to change things but I don’t want to. I know that’s very cryptic and I don’t mean it to be but nevertheless here I am. For those that don’t know or whom I have not talked with about this, I have felt pretty broken since I was three. I don’t know actually if broken is the right term, maybe wrong is a better term? I just remember feeling different and not normal. And I’m tired of feeling that way because it’s never gone away. I’m 45 and I’m tired of feeling how I feel. I’m tired of feeling a lack of direction, I’m tired of waiting for my life to start but at the same time wanting it to be done. I just feel stuck, I feel stuck all the time. I’ve been talking a lot to God, granted he doesn’t really have much to say to me in return but I’ve nonetheless been trying to express my feelings to him. 

I’m angry all the time, I have a good life. I don’t know why I’m so angry and I don’t know why I feel so broken but it’s always been there. Even when I’ve been happy it feels fake and forced. I literally just want to be done. I’ve never been one to shy away from being truthful about who and what I am, so I guess this is an attempt at making sure everyone knows my intentions so I don’t feel like I’m lying to anyone. So here’s my truth. I have no intentions of living after my mom dies. I tried killing myself when I was in high school when a lot of bad memories resurfaced and I lost my mind. I take medications, I have a therapist I do all of that stuff but it does not change anything about me aside from the fact that on my antidepressants I don’t cry at car commercials anymore. But my intentions remain the same as they have since I was 15. I fully intend to kill myself once my mom passes away because my sole purpose for living is for her. I realize that sounds very melodramatic but I assure you this is something that I have thought about almost every day of my life and what actually terrifies me the most is that I will chicken out and continue to live feeling like shit. That terrifies me more than anything, just being alone on this planet watching it burn and being stuck inside myself. I don’t understand why I’m here. I don’t understand why I agreed to come here. 

I believe that I agreed to come and have this life but I don’t think I realized how horrible I would feel being here, being lost, hating myself and never feeling right. I mean when I was three I didn’t feel right, three fucking years old and running from demons. Granted I had no idea what being gay meant or any sort of thing like that, I just knew that something was wrong with me, I just know that something is wrong with me and I don’t just mean about being a queer Mormon. Although honestly that does not help because neither of those can I escape from. I can pretend only so long that I am OK. Please don’t misunderstand, I do have a very good life. Despite the molestations and sexual assaults and all of that other crap that happened to me, I’ve had a very good life. My mother is the loudest and strongest woman and best friend that I could ever have. She accepted me before I even began to understand anything about the world. She’s always been there for me and that alone is the best part of my life. 

I really feel like this commentary is sort of all over the place and my thoughts are not well aligned or organized so I would just ask that you take what you want and leave the rest. Since my mom is the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my lifetime those who know her should count themselves extremely blessed. As for myself I have always felt like a waste of space, waste of time, and it sounds so trite when I say it out loud but I can’t change how I feel. No matter how much medication I take or how happy I may be, deep down I still feel lost and alone and afraid and worthless. At the same time I know I’m an amazing therapist and all of the wonderful things that I can do as a therapist I cannot actively apply in my own life. Guess I just feel like a lie.

 I’m angry with God because I have all of these mixed up things going on in my mind but I’m hugely compassionate and empathetic and it kills me every day to watch this world burn. But I know that it’s going to get worse because that’s what we do. We make things worse. We literally are a parasite to this world and it’s sad to see the things that we do to each other All because we have free will. It’s a shame that we can’t do better when I know that we could be better. Regardless of those thoughts I just don’t feel like I belong here, and I don’t want to belong here. I don’t want to feel better, I don’t want to love myself, I don’t want any of that bullshit. I just want to be done. It’s not about self acceptance because honestly I will never except myself in any way shape or form because in order to go to heaven I have to be a certain way and I can’t be that way. No matter what I do in this life it will never be enough to overcome being gay and being broken. I did what I was supposed to do. I came here, I got a body, why am I still here?

Every day I go through the same storyline in my head, the same storyline with pretty much the same ending. I don’t understand what any of this is for. I had no intentions of living as long as I have, now I understand though that I’m here to take care of my mom and I’m totally OK with that, everything else however is it agony. I’m just sort of always stuck in the middle of nowhere. I can’t move on I can’t back up I can’t go to the side. I’m just stuck and I’ve been stuck for so long that I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’m not remotely saying I’m going to kill myself now I am not actively suicidal. I will say though that I am very passively suicidal. I think of ways to die almost every day, not different ways to die every day because that’s a lot of different ways to die that yeah I digress. It is difficult though to stay alive when so much of myself doesn’t want to keep breathing. I don’t think people understand how hard it is to get up every day and pretend that there’s a purpose. 

I do have a fair amount of trepidation at the thought of actually publishing this, there’s a million ways it could go completely wrong and be used for all sorts of nefarious reasons but like I said I guess I just don’t care anymore. And I don’t want anyone thinking that my killing myself at some point came out of the blue or that I didn’t think it through. Because I assure you I have in great detail for many years. I know that any of my friends or family that read this will likely be concerned and really want to figure out a way to help me or fix me or make things better but I don’t want you to feel that way because that’s not the purpose of this post. I actually don’t even know what the purpose is anymore but I need to get it out. 

So I guess it’s out.