#WearYourPride

#WearYourPride

I’m pretty sure I’ve been overthinking this assignment, but try as I might I can’t seem to simplify it so that I can feel ‘pride.’ I know that sounds horrible, and I wish I could say that I wear my pride and live freely but the truth of the matter...I don’t. It’s not because I can’t, in theory I can but I guess when it comes down to brass tacks, I don’t know how. I don’t know how to exist on this earth as a whole person, so rather than risk everything, I gently try and negotiate the barbed wire on the fence that has become my life. One foot in my religion, ever unrelenting with its expectations to be heterosexual, marry and have kids. Meanwhile my other foot is living a mild yet gay life. Opposing views, fraught with landmines that on any given day will trip me up, setting off mental explosions triggering self-loathing on demand either for turning from who I am, or for not fully embracing what I am. Much like oil and water, sure the vision can be pretty but they never really mix.

I hate to make this analogy but it literally just came to me...so buckle up buttercup. Supergirl is essentially made up of two parts, her blood is Kryptonian but she lives a human experience. Every so often an episode airs where she is struggling with who or what she is, and how she can’t seem to merge the two lives into one and that’s the closest I can come to help you understand what it’s like living as a gay Mormon. I can no more stop being Mormon than Supergirl can escape the deadly results of Kryptonite. I can no more deny being attracted to women than Supergirl can breath outside Earth’s atmosphere. While there are far worse ways to live, having your eternal salvation risked and questioned with every beat of your heart, is miserable. I exist, without really existing.

So when we talk about pride, I don’t experience it like many of those like me do...and part of me has given up trying. But I will tell you this, I do have pride and I’ve worked damn hard for it.

My pride comes from being me, whoever that is faults and all, and in helping others. My pride comes from comforting those who are cast aside, providing resources to those who are lost and giving others hope when life has become all consuming. When I’m being a therapist, that is when I wear my pride. It’s not a feeling of superiority or being better than someone else, honestly, it’s the closest I feel to God and the Universe. It’s being present with someone, without expectations and judgement. It’s about doing for others, what I fail to do for myself. 

I may never find peace as a gay woman and I may never find peace as a Mormon, but I find peace and strength in giving, supporting and encouraging those I walk this earth with. So if that counts, than being a therapist and social worker is where I can #WearYourPride.