::When money isn't enough::

::When money isn’t enough::

(response to the guitar auction)

I was sure I had enough money reserved in my savings account to do something really important for myself. I wanted to get a car, pay off the last bit of my mom’s mortgage but then came along this QFX auction...and then Chyler and Nathan put this amazing guitar up to make money for the Trevor Project. I stopped the minute I heard the announcement, my path became clear...I wanted that guitar. Yes, I realize I don’t know how to play but there was something so beautiful about that glorious instrument. I had to have it and that was before I knew about the 30 minute video chat. It wasn’t even about the ‘extras’ that drew me so strongly to that item...it was the cause it represented and the love and creativity that on so many occasions hummed from that guitar delicately played by loving hands.

Then I watched the Create Change panel and part of my heart ached at the story that Chyler shared providing the details of where the guitar came from, when she got it and from who. Suddenly the path that I thought was clear, abruptly changed direction and a new purpose was granted to me. I was going to dip into my savings account not because the story added even more of a reason for me to bid, but because my spirit told me to try and win the guitar so that I could let them keep it. Now, I’m not trying to come off as some sort of martyr, I am far from that. I just couldn’t understand trying to keep something that had so much personal worth and meaning for myself, it was something that should be kept in their family for their children to pass on with the story of how it came to be. I wasn’t acting selflessly with my intent, I could honestly say that nothing would have made me more happy than to turn around and give the guitar back, no strings attached. (pun intended)

I was prepared to offer up, admittedly more than I really could afford, but when the amount I had planned for not only passed but skyrocketed...I felt a deep sense of panic because I was losing my chance at giving Chyler and Nathan (family) a gift, something that could be remembered long after I move from this existence. So how much was my final bid you may ask…$3500. Yeah, you read that right and no, I’m not rolling in money and expendable cash. In fact, I’m a mental health social worker and it’s a well established fact that we make very little. Actually to put it in perspective, the amount of my final bid was 3 months of take home pay, after taxes of course. When the final second passed, the winning bid was over $7000...my heart shattered.

I sighed to no one in particular …”I never stood a chance.”

There are so many times in this world where we can do good for someone. Everything from saying hello to a stranger, holding a door open for someone or simply smiling. In that regard I try to do right by others, depending on what right means at any given time. I just know that over the last few days, there was nothing I wanted more than to get that guitar only to have it remain in their family. Tonight I feel like a bit of a failure, but I know that feeling will fade. I will continue to donate funds, not to my church in tithe but to charities and causes that my soul demands I take action for. We can make a real difference, not in giving money but by giving our time, talents and energy. There is so much more than monetary gains...but it does grease the wheels.