The woman I waited years for, only to lose...

I thought perhaps I should back up a bit, to explain why this break up has been so hard on me aside from the obvious reasons. About 5 years or so ago I was in a company training, I saw this beautiful woman sitting one row up and a couple chairs to my left. We hardly interacted, but I thought to myself that I wanted her to be my girlfriend...my partner. Over the course of the training, I learned that she was in a committed long term relationship, I made sure to remember her name and face so that in the future she could be mine. Two girlfriends had come and gone when next we met, she was a guest speaker for one of my MSW classes...I could hardly believe it. She even more beautiful then I remembered. Her hair was longer this time, wavy and brown. Her smile still had me smitten. She now had a little boy and was married to her partner. Alas, my time had not come, her voice was like an angel, her face flawless. We didn't get a chance to talk then and so once again the woman I knew I wanted to marry was again lost to me.

Once I graduated with my MSW I started work for Compass Health as a Mental Health Professional working with clients who were just being discharged from Western State Hospital. I attended a housing meeting in my building and I heard her voice, it was unmistakable. She was unmistakable. In she walked...beautiful as ever. Her face seemed colder, older but still amazing. Her eyes were cold, dark but nothing would deter me from trying to get to know her. Once I learned she had divorced her partner and was now a single parent, I renewed my efforts to win her over or at the very least become friends. She spurned each and every effort I made until finally she asked me to stop. I did...just figured she didn't like me and so I put my desire to be her girlfriend to the side, I just wanted to be in her life...at this point I didn't care what that looked like. She had a habit of inviting me to things and then cancelling at the last minute and one day came about a year later where she again made a comment inviting me to her home for a football game...I challenged her, and she finally opted to follow through.

So a year after starting at Compass and leaving her alone as requested, she invited me over to watch a football game. We talked endlessly about anything and everything. She told me about why her previous relationship ended and about what she wants in life. I told her about my being Mormon and the turmoil it creates in my life that is gay. A couple days later we went to play pool, walked around Greenlake all the while she was starting to love me. I had no idea as I had resigned myself to the fact that she didn't like me like that. We would chat on line, and then one night she told me...told me that she felt more for me than friendship. I about died right then and there. We started dating, having to keep it quiet since it could be frowned upon at work, she seemed less angry, less hard. Her eyes brightened and the details of her amazing eyes shown through with a light still unparalleled. Beautiful, soft green eyes with oval bursts of yellow streaks. She was stunning. Even after learning all about her faults, her mistakes, the parts of herself she hated and things she wished she could change...it all just made me love her more. Her fragility made me love her more. I had finally found my soul mate. I fell in love with her little boy who brought me endless joy and laughter. She became my best friend and I thanked God everyday for them in my life.

Fast forward to now...she is with another whom she started to see while still trying to save our relationship, I have not seen her little boy in two months, I have not spoken to her in about the same amount of time. I still see her in my dreams and my nightmares. Some nights I fight to wake up from my dreams and some nights I want to dream forever. When she left me, she took much more than my future, my soul, my heart, the little boy I came to love as if he were mine, my soul mate, my best friend, my ability to enjoy any aspect of life, but mostly my trust in others and the desire to ever love anyone or have anyone love me again. As it stands now, I walk around in a haze...going through the motions because I know that those around me are tired of seeing my pain. I waited so long for her...and it appears it will take even longer to heal from the decisions she made. Right now, the only thing that I carry that helps me survive, is my anger for all that she took from me. Sigh.

The vacation we planned, that didn't include me...

Tomorrow AJ and I would have been leaving to drop off Z with his grandparents and then heading to Black Butte in Central Oregon for a couple days of R and R, silence, togetherness, treasure hunting, rock collecting...overall relaxing good time. Black Butte is paradise. From her parents condo you can see two of the three Sisters Mountains in the three sister range. There's wild horses, geese, chipmunks, bats, raccoons, a lake and endless amounts of quiet. Possibly the most relaxing place on Earth I think. I was only given the chance to go two times, and each time I was amazed at how quickly the hustle and bustle of life slipped away making room for the peace and serenity of those very tranquil woods. I miss it horribly. She and I were making our vacation plans...all the while she knew the vacation would never happen since she knew long before we started planning it that she was going to end our relationship. Which begs the question, why carry on the charade for so long? Why sit and plan and work out the details of a vacation you never had any intentions of going on with me?

So now, I imagine she will take her new girlfriend (the one she started seeing while still with me) JK on the vacation that was supposed to be mine and AJ's. Just another thing that JK has that was once mine. And yet another jab to a heart that has yet to heal from the lies and betrayal that seeped its way into my life. I will miss Black Butte, and the peace it brought to my soul. But I'm hoping that I can find a new place that will help wash away the chaos of my work life and the loneliness that is my personal life. I am in the initial stages of planning my new vacation that starts tomorrow...lots of driving, lots of woods, lots of photo opportunities I hope anyway. I have a slight idea of where I want to go and an even slighter idea of how it will happen, but I plan to pack lightly, and go where the car takes me. I am hopeful that somewhere along my journey I can find some peace...both for my soul and my mind. The past few months have taken a heavy toll on me...there were times I didn't think I would make it. Times where I willed my heart to stop beating, times where my only thoughts were of killing myself, times where anger and revenge raced through my mind. I never asked for this, never asked to have my life turned upside down, but it's not the first time and I'm sure it will not be the last. When I came out to my church friends, I lost my support system and the ones who swore to love me no matter what-left me. The situation with AJ isn't much different...lies, betrayal, and abandonment. Each time it just takes a different form.

I am thankful that I have a mother who loves me, more than I love me. Who accepts me for who I am more than I do. She is an inspiration and if I am able to grow up and be half the woman she is, then maybe God won't send me to hell for being gay. Without my mother by my side, I would be dead right now...instead, I'm planning a trip that could take me just about anywhere because the vacation AJ and I planned together, never did include me.

PS. Dad it was great seeing you this weekend and going through old photographs of family with you. I don't get to see you near enough but I want you to know that I forgive you and I love you.

Photo Contest entries...

This is a shot of the Mukilteo beach and ferry.

The three above are all from Kayak Point.

This is a walking bridge on the way to Big Four Ice Caves.

This is under Deception Pass Bridge.

I don't claim to be a good photographer, and I sometimes really wonder why I bother taking pictures since once I am gone, there will be no reason for them to remain behind. Sometimes I feel that way about everything I buy, collect or do...when I am gone, there will be no one to pass anything to. In any event, while I work on my thoughts for the next blog, I thought I would share these. I hold no false assumptions that my photos will ever win for any of the slots for the calendar contest...aim for the stars, so that even when you miss you at the very least miss the piles of shit on the ground.

The Silence Screams So Loud...

It wasn't long ago when I would feel lost without my cell phone because I would worry that I would miss a text or call from AJ...or anyone else really. (no offense to my loving mother for when she calls) It has been a hard transition going from getting 2-4 calls a day and 25-45 texts a day...to nothing. Just silence. I'm used to checking my phone a couple times a day to see if there is anything/anyone I missed...and each time, there was nothing. Now, when I go out, half the time I don't even take my phone. And when I do reach out via text to some people, it is sometimes days before I get a response. I rarely if ever have my phone anymore...I still feel oddly naked without it, but it makes a great paper weight at work. It's funny, how you can spend so much time with so many people and still feel all alone. Right now, I don't even know where my cell is and I'm not sure it would matter since it rarely talks to me nowadays. So much of my life has changed in the last two months I can hardly keep up...and I can hardly hear anyone anyway, the silence screams so loud...

Not getting any easier it seems...

I wish each day was easier than the last, so losing you would hurt less each and every day, but it doesn't seem to work that way. I still miss you beautiful boy. I'm pretty sure I always will, and I'm sure I will always shed tears because I've lost you. Today for some reason is especially hard.

I miss you and love you.

**I realize his picture upsets some people who know him and his mama and me, don't like that his picture is on my blog...and I'm sorry those people are offended. But I was recently reminded that this blog is my place to say what my truth is, my place to say how I feel and where I am at. That includes other people who have been in and out of my life.**

Life after Anji via itunes

Processing...

I had my initial therapy appointment with my psychiatrist today...a lot was discussed and I need time to process how I feel and where I'm mentally at. So until I am able to share my thoughts about it...I thought I would post a paper I did for one of my MSW classes.
Dear Prophet,
As Heavenly Father has appointed you to be the leader of our church, I do my best to uphold and pay great reverence to your name. Because God has chosen you to spread His gospel, I speak to you in the most respectful manner possible. I have struggled mightily all my life with some of the tenets of this religion, done all I am able to do while remembering that I am a child of God and as such have a great sense of responsibility that those outside our religion would never understand. There are those that find this responsibility of returning home with honor an easy load to bear, however, those like me or who struggle like me, find the weight almost impossible to carry. It is our cross to bear, as Latter-day Saints fulfilling God’s plan I understand.
But do you not ever fall to the floor, crying out to the Lord that the weight breaks you? Do you never feel the sorrow of your fellow brothers and sisters who have been shunned, tormented, or isolated because of their sexual orientation? Do you ever miss the ones that have taken their lives because there is no place on the face of the earth for them to seek solace once our religion has rejected them for something they had no control over…for something God Himself had created? Do you ever in silent prayer feel our pain? Do you not realize that the tears we and our loved ones shed could flood the earth?
As you are well aware, our religion regards homosexuals as sinners of the highest kind, assigning us to the same level as murderers, adulterers, and those that reject the Holy Spirit. All sins that are never to be forgiven, all reasons to be excommunicated, and completely removed from the records of the church…in effect, erasing our very existence. In fact, just writing this letter is an outright betrayal of my membership, frowned upon and never encouraged. But I feel such an overwhelming need to express my feelings to you that I must use my free agency, which is God given, to share with you the cross that I carry.
I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints since I was baptized at the age of 8. I attended all the classes, seminary, and church all the while carrying a silent sense of self-hatred and disgust. Can you imagine an 8 year old hating her very existence, hating her every breath and knowing somehow that she was unfit to walk this earth? That 8-year-old girl is now 32, and those feelings have only continued to grow, become more heavy, and burdensome. During my adolescent years I just felt different though I didn’t understand why, but I kept my thoughts and feelings secret. Only God really knew what was going on with me.
When I was 24 things started making sense. I met people who described feeling just like me. But to my horror, they were homosexuals, and I had always been taught that they were sinners. Suddenly, I found myself in a very hard place because as we (gay saints) all know, being a Mormon and being gay just doesn’t mix. I tried hard to ignore my feelings and thoughts. I had boyfriends and planned to live a very heterosexual life. But I hated myself even more because I wasn’t being who I felt God made me to be. What was worse was that the religion that I based my entire existence on, that I had trusted all my life, that had made me into the woman I was…hated me. I lost my friends, my family, my religion, and my God. Instead of being the soul with a grand plan and design that God Himself had set in motion, I was now a wasted shell, a body just taking up space. A tormented soul with nowhere to turn and no one to trust. Before becoming aware of who and what I was, I at least had God to turn to believing that He loved me. But after being told that I was unnatural and that God hated me, I was suddenly alone. The people and religion that I clung to for support and guidance took my Heavenly Father from me, stripped me of my salvation and eternal life.
I mention all this because I’m angry that even my childhood wasn’t sacred. It is true that I may not be living the life that God had created for me. But it’s not because I’m gay. It’s because my soul was never cherished, fed, valued, or encouraged to grow. My religion’s rejection created a lost, tortured, and despised soul that will never be what it could have been. I may never be the glorious woman that God created me to be, and my soul is just one of the thousands of souls that have been laid to waste because someone deems themselves more worthy of His love then mine. As God’s messenger, I hold you responsible for those of us who have been murdered by our own hands or the hands of others because of our homosexuality. God is a God of love, acceptance, and mercy. He could never hate us just because of who we are and who He created us to be. Instead of teaching His love, you have taught us to hate, discriminate, and judge. All things God and Christ wanted us not to do. Why can I not be loved, cared for, respected, freed from torment, and cherished because I’m gay? Why does that make it impossible for me to return home with honor? Why does that make my heterosexual peers better and more worthy than me? Why must my soul be laid to waste?
I realize it is impossible for you to understand the pain I carry. I also understand that you are just a man that is doing what you feel God wants you to do. We are all just doing the best we can, and that’s really all God has ever asked of us. But at some point even you, high atop your perch as Prophet, must be made aware of the tortured, and suffering souls that need your acceptance in order to feel God’s love. We need to hear it from you because you are God’s voice. There are so many of us that to ignore our plight would be a great tragedy. I am your sister through Christ and as such I pray you hear my voice and the beat of my heart that cries out for the love of my religion. I pray that I find my way through this life, learn to embrace my strengths, and help others like me do the same. Just maybe that is my calling, to share the light that I know is somewhere inside me with others who can’t see through their pain and suffering. I realize through your eyes I will always be a sinner and will never hope to attain God’s full glory, but if I can help save just one soul from the pain of losing God’s love and acceptance, then maybe I wasn’t such a waste of space. I also hope that when you reach heaven you will be surprised to find who is and who isn’t there. God’s love and mercy are far more reaching than I believe even you have the ability to understand.

With Love,
Sister Debra Carlsen

Milestones...mini markers of progress

Today would have been my ex's and I's 19 month anniversary...though we never really made it to 18 months. Come to think of it, it lasted 8 months longer than she would have wanted it to but I thought today would be really hard for me being our anniversary date. Surprisingly, it wasn't. Today actually marks a major milestone, today I was able for the first time in about a month to listen to the radio. I had to stop listening early in May because every song in some form or another reminded me of her...her love, her friendship, her little boy...the future that slipped through my fingers no matter how hard I held on. There are still some songs that make my heart weep, and my soul cry out for the love I once had...but I can keep it together much easier now. I can laugh and smile without feeling like my very essence is a lie. It is slow going, but going nonetheless...some days are easier than others but I was blessed that today wasn't as hard as it could have been, for this soul is still weary from the swinging tides of losing someone you had planned to live forever with.
I am beyond grateful for my family members that have stepped in to try and fill the cavern in my heart that still remains and will likely remain for some time. I have spent a lot of time with them lately, and regardless of how they feel about my being a lesbian, they by all appearances love me anyway. Their children bring me much happiness but also make me sad for the loss of Z in my life. He is often on my mind, in my prayers but I know he has many wonderful people in his life to care for him.
I am also thankful for those members of my family that attend the temple who have put my name on the prayer list...I feel a remarkable sense of calm lately that was lacking just two weeks ago when I was an absolute mess. I still don't feel that God hears me, but I know that those who are lucky enough to go inside the temple have a special audience with Him...and I thank my family for all the prayers all across the US, in more temples than I could ever know. I am by no means over my recent heartache, but every day I gain more perspective and everyday, I come to realize that there are others in my life that love me...those I may not even know personally. I would feel lost right now without the loving guidance of my friends and family as some days I barely hang on. But for now, the ripping of my soul has stopped and the blood no longer gushes freely...no matter how you see it, it is progress.

From flames to ashes...

This week has been full of sadness and possibility, I am still suffering from the blindsided loss of my girlfriend but this week the tears have slowed, and for the most part have been absent. I think of her often, and her adorable little boy...but I don't break down into hysterics anymore, so I consider that a step in the right direction. She broke me, I came crashing to the earth in a ball of flames...but just as with a Phoenix I think I am starting my first steps in rising from the ashes. I am sad for my loss, forever changed...but anxious to see what form I rise in and how much stronger I will be when the sting, lies and pain no longer remain. I think I am starting to realize that I am at a crucial space in time, the proverbial Y in the road if you will...which road I take depends on me, each road marked with its own pitfalls and fields of daisies. Each waiting for me to show myself, to find myself, to embrace what God has in store for me. There will undoubtedly be sadness, pain, sorrow, but just maybe...peace, comfort and love.
Since starting this blog, family members have come forward offering love and support, family members that I didn't even realize remembered me let alone cared for me, a benefit in this dark time. I doubt I will ever feel what it truly feels like to have a family around me that loves and supports me...but for now, there is more than I originally thought. And I think that is a good place to start. After all, everything starts with an initial step...mine, just so happened to start by the spark of flame that burned me to ashes...

Desiderata-a gift from a friend...

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life, the helping of clients, and answering of phones...and most especially of late as I have been really struggling with my newly ended relationship it is good to get outside feedback to help gain perspective...

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann c.1920

Follow up to yesterday's post...

An individual brought to my attention today the fact that they felt my posting of Z's picture and my commentary was disrespectful to him. I want to be absolutely clear that was never my intention. While I met him through his mama, I came to love him for himself. Yesterday's post was my way of saying goodbye and expressing my love for him since I will not be able to do so in person out of respect for his mama's wishes. He is and will always be an amazing individual full of compassion and wisdom beyond his years.

When tomorrow's ruined before today even starts...

The boy you see here, is one of the most wonderful things that has ever entered my life. My ex doesn't want me to see him to say goodbye to him...or she is being very unhelpful should I say. I awoke to a text this morning telling me that she assumed that when I told her on the phone (during our goodbye that was supposed to be in person) to tell him that I loved him, that she figured that was my goodbye to him when earlier she had promised that I could see him. She says, "no that just won't work and I haven't talked to him about it yet." But she told me earlier and my mom that she had already talked to him and that it was "absolutely" a good idea that I see him. But then again she promised a lot of things...more lies I guess. Her promises have become much the same as her "I'm sorries"...meaningless. I don't know what she has told him or if he is worried that I have just up and left him...but I'm stating it here and now, I love you more than you will ever know, I miss you, I pray for you...I'd give anything to hold you again and joke with you about farts. Even on my worst days, you were able to bring a smile to my face...you are indeed a blessing from God, and I'm a better person just by knowing you. I love you Z.
I keep wishing that the stages of grief were linear so that I could be confident in knowing that each day will be better than the last, but it doesn't happen that way. One minute, I'm sort of okay and busy at work going through the motions. Then a quiet moment happens and I'm fighting back tears. It's really hard for a multiple of reasons...but one is that my ex's new girlfriend works right across the street from my office and I have to deal with her agency and her regarding housing for clients. I hear her name and my heart sinks to the floor...knowing she has what has been ripped from me. My soul will never recover from this betrayal...I likely will never trust another person with my love, honesty, loyalty, devotion, or my heart. The damage so violent, so raw, so exposed. At the start of our relationship...she was the last thing I thought of before sleep and the first thing I thought of when I awoke. It is still the same, but for a very different reason. The happiness, love and excitement is gone, replaced with fear, loss and tears. I guess more than anything, even more than the cheating...the 8 months of lies is what really kills me. And continues to stab what's left of my fragile heart. It lay in tatters, strewn about the floor...dirty, stepped on, barely beating...and I still to some degree hate that it still beats. No matter how hard I pray, I cannot stop what she has set in motion nor can I stop the beating of the very heart she has obliterated. It beats even when I will it to stop. I wonder if God is sitting back laughing at what a fool I have been...is he thinking this is what you get for being a fag, dyke, lesbian, gay? Is heart ache and torture all I have left in this life...