All because of derby...

I'm the kind of person who can stand in a crowd or a room full of people and still feel alone. I don't consider myself a wall flower but I'm definitely not the life of the party either. I can be very shy, intimidated and easily forgotten. I'm pretty standard, a base model straight from the factory. No upgrades or luxury packages am I equipped with. I know all my weaknesses, faults, insecurities...all the ickie things that make me who I am. So it seems logical to me that others see me the way I see me. I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" kind of person and I'm okay with that. The problem is that I've surrounded myself with people who don't see me as I do. This discrepancy presents me with a unique challenge and one I have only recently realized I care about. Not only do I care about it, but it required action on my part to get the outcome I never new I wanted or felt I deserved.

It seems as though without meaning to, without thought or planning I have planted myself in a garden of very supportive and encouraging flowers, fruits and other plants...all because of derby. I wish I could think of a better analogy other than a vegetarians dream to explain this new discovery of mine, but it just seemed to flow from my fingers onto the page. The saying comes to mind "bloom where you're planted." Sometimes I wish I could express myself better, use more savvy words to caress your eyes into a dream like state and lull your mind into a sense of imagery that my words cannot adequately express. So forgive the fact that the best I can do is comparing myself, my league, my friends and derby to a garden. Meh.

Okay so where was I? Oh right, it's been 4 years since I was introduced to Jet City and the amazingly supportive network of league mates. And in that time I have given my heart and soul to the league, spent countless dollars doing photography or traveling to NSO for them and not one bit do I regret. I have found myself bitter at times at the separation between those who skate and those that don't but I have also discovered that not everyone notices the wheels. While I don't skate, I support with all I have and out of that I have come away with some amazing memories and even more amazing friends. The memories I knew I was gathering, the friends were a surprise. Derby girls I never thought knew my name...not only knew my name but recognized me. Suddenly, this woman who could stand in the middle of a crowded room and still feel alone, didn't feel so alone anymore.

Whether the support comes as a wink as they roll by the score table, a comment about missing me and that was why they committed a penalty to end up in the sin bin, a smile, a hug or comments on facebook or email...before my clouded eyes all around me I am surrounded by love, friendship, guidance, and support. It's true that I see myself thru tainted eyes but could they be so tainted as to not even reach out and use the help that was being offered to me?

Yes.

Never let it be said I am not stubborn. Set in my ways. Convinced that people are not to be trusted. But let it also be said, that it was time to change. To open my eyes, believe in what I was being told and trust that those who said they would be there...would be there. And you know what?

They were. All of them. Each and every one of them.

Thank you JCRG, for accepting this fat, stubborn, confused and often overly emotional woman into your family.