I’m feeling very defeated right now. I mean I knew what was going to happen, the silence was deafening. The change in communications, the harshness to her tone. I knew it was coming but I tried to keep some hope alive. I was perfect for that job. It’s the same job I have now, but in a better environment, new community and with some people I already knew. So perfect she offered me the job, we talked about the days and hours I would work…but then she had to talk with HR. And my boss.
And then came the call, the voicemail telling me that “we’ve decided not to extend an offer of employment.” Interesting. I’ve applied for several jobs within the company, each no was phrased just like that…must be a standard “hey you suck, we don’t want you or there’s something really wrong with you so fuck off” template that supervisors follow. Same words, different programs.
Nothing makes my self-esteem feel better than rejection from a program I know more about than anyone who is currently working in it. But hey, okay I get it. There’s something wrong with me. It can’t possibly be my references, they like me. So it’seither my personnel file, my boss or me. Either way, I feel totally blacklisted. I worked hard to have a good reputation in the community, but since the new boss started and my involvement with the union increased…life for me has gotten very difficult. If this were the 20’s I wonder if my boss would put a hit out on me? There’s always a chance. Right?
So of course I send a totally respectful email to the woman who wanted me to work for her but then decided I was too damaged or dangerous or stupid to work for her…wishing success to her and the team. I’m adult enough to realize that it is what it is. I would have loved working for her, working in that team but I’m learning that I have no control in most aspects of my life right now.
I had a really good time last night at the opening bout of season 7 for the Jet City Rollergirls. I was able to see people that I have missed so much over the last 4 months…that I pulled myself away from derby. Or rather, allowed life/work to pull me away from derby. Away from my family. And it felt so good to be back. It was awkward not NSOing and being a passive photographer since I still can’t walk that well and spent the entire time sitting. But it felt so damn good to be back.
I would have loved to go to the after party, but there’s some PTSD there that I have to work on so I bolted after Ashley confronted me on the fact that I had no reason to not go. I felt bad, disappointing her and Tilly or whoever else cares…but I’m not there yet. But I promised that I would go to one or two this season. What the hell was I thinking making that promise? Ugh.
Shelby was super supportive all night. Love that girl. But Big Eddie remains my hero, offering support and guidance. He let me come back to the DEA family, back to derby and forgives me every time I screw up. Which I do often. So I leave derby with a full heart yet again, I have great dreams (of derby) for the first time in a long time and get to work today to be welcomed with a “you suck and we don’t want you voicemail.”
Awesome.
If only life loved/cared for me as much as my derby family does. Sigh. That would be great.
Anyway, here's the picture creating the most buzz that I took at last nights bout.
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