This is for you...

So I was talking online with an acquaintance of mine, who I guess is actually a friend...if I had just looked a little further outside of myself to realize it. We don't really run in the same circles, mostly because she's a derby girl, popular and a very good athlete...and me, well not so much. Anyway, she has been really supportive of me lately, offering encouragement and little words of kindness. I didn't realize she even knew me, let alone would be able to pick me out of a lineup. I mean friends on facebook aren't always friends in real life but it gives the impression that they are and then...well for me I makes me feel closer to people then I guess I really am and then when I am actually in the same room as them I expect them to say hi or hug me or for us to carry on like we do online...but it's rarely like that. So I always hear my ex-girlfriends voice in my head telling me "facebook isn't real life."

I've clearly gotten off track, let me try this again...so I've been struggling lately with serious social anxiety. I have massive PTSD at work and face so much criticism there that the idea of spending time with others in a large group terrifies me. The fear of making a mistake, failure, making someone upset, getting yelled at, and rejected. All these things keep me sitting in the car staring through the windows of the Skate Deck paralyzed in fear. Yes, I know there are people in there that love and care about me. I have friends in there waiting for me to get my shit together so I can come back to the family that is Jet City. Yet my heart beats so hard I can hardly breath.

I asked this acquaintance who is actually a friend why she was being so nice to me given that she really doesn't even know me? Her answer I was totally unprepared for...she told me about a cadet who was having a horrible day, one of the worst kinds and I had asked this cadet if there was anything I could do to help or told her that I was there if needed. This online interaction apparently took place years ago, I wish I could recall it, but I cannot. She told me that she remembers things like that...so it appears that the cadet I offered my caring to turned out to be this new friend of mine who in turn is offering her caring to me. Why?

Because.

If you ever read this...you'll know this is for you. I hope this is just the beginning of a mutually supportive and fun friendship. But first thing is first...

Thank you. More than you know...