Just Passing Through: Derby keeps saving my soul.

Don't let it ever be said that I do not appreciate the value of my friends...however, it can be said that it takes me forever to realize that I have any. After sitting outside of derby practice in my car last week I posted on facebook about it and several people posted their support right down to practically coming out and pulling me from my car to get inside. I've talked with a few of them over the last week, some are gentle and patient and one is well...tough love minded. Basically telling me to stop complaining, that there is a lot of support and make a move. I can honestly tell you that I needed to hear both kinds of support. Although I will admit that the tough love made me want to say 'fuck it' and delete my facebook page. But I realized that part of my reaction was due to the fact that she was right. I needed to stop living in my moodiness and work shit and reach a hand out to help pull me up and brush the dirt off. Get the fuck up and move. So Ashley...I moved.

I got to the Everett Skate Deck tonight, and almost hyperventilated before getting out of the car. I used facebook to reach my proverbial hand out to Shelby who promised to be there waiting to grab it and help me thru the doors. I almost chickened out, but before I could...here came Shelby rolling in to greet me. She was like a rolling saint. She ushered me the second set of doors and just let me stand there and take my time. A few people walked by and waved or nodded their heads, said hi or other courtesy behaviors before Tessa rolled up and hugged me. I was trying so hard to keep my heart from beating out of my chest, so many people, noises and lights. I remember thinking that if I didn't have the issue with the crutches, I would have bolted. Carolyn came over and gave me a giant hug just when I thought I was going to throw up from my nerves. Darryl started talking to me which is standard but usually he brings on the perverted jokes and goofy commentary that he and I are known for...this time he was gentle with his words and gave me a hug of support. Tilly rolled up and practically squeezed the air out of me...saying it was good to see me. I asked if Ashley was there and then I thought to myself that must have sounded rude, asking about her girlfriend while she's hugging me. I just wanted to make sure that Ashley knew I got up and moved. But before I could explain that to Tilly she had to get back onto the floor.

While all this was going on, I could see Shelby every now and then looking over to me...checking on me like a guardian angel. She had no idea how much her support meant to me and continues to mean to me. Knowing that she was watching out for me, well...it just means more than words can say.

Before the first jam started I made my way to the score table a place that I usually own, but it felt so foreign to me now. In fact, just watching practice felt different, like I was seeing it for the first time. During the first halftime Jenny made her way over to me with a hug, a smile and promise of a puppy by the end of practice. It was good to see her again. During the second halftime Shannon came over with her cabbage patch hair and made me smile and laugh. I haven't laughed in I don't know how long. She has big plans for that fake hair, bless her. After the scrimmages were over, other DEA came up and said hello and welcome back or we missed you. I missed them too. Then Rob came over, I love how odd he is, how crazy he is and how nice he has always been to me. He just held me for a long time and said, "it's the length of the hug that makes it uncomfortable, just let it pass." Dork.

I didn't realize how much I had missed derby...how empty my life and my heart have been since my absence. I went in tonight with an empty heart, but left with it full. There are many others I wanted to get hugs from or say hi to but tonight was amazing. Derby has on more than one occasion saved my soul. Derby has brought me life. Derby has brought me friends. Derby has brought me passion. Derby has brought me happiness.

Before I left, I got hugs from Shelby, Big Eddie and some verbal support from Ivanna and Carmen. On the drive home I realized just how important derby is to me and just how much I have missed it. How much I have missed the sounds, the sights, the girls, everything. I am proud to belong to such an amazing league. A family unlike anything else in the world. The people are amazing, the hugs are even better...it's odd you know, when you find a place where you belong there are always people who stand by you to either gently encourage or firmly kick your ass in gear but either way, derby keeps saving my soul.