Relationship DNA

I have to admit being single again after having the woman you had hoped to spend your life with, isn't any better just because the 3 changed to a 4. I still miss her voice, her skin, the way her body felt against mine. And oh how I miss her smell, so comforting even after a long derby work out she still smelled like heaven. 

I really miss the times in bed just cuddling and talking and the occasional tickle fight that would break out. Her laughter was contagious. And those eyes that sparkled like a golden laced fire. Sigh. Without a doubt I will never be loved like she loved me ever again. 

Losing her has been hard on me, epically hard. And I've tried to not be that kind of ex girlfriend that texts or calls trying to convince her that I'm something I'm not so I can have her back. I'm not worthy of her, plain and simple. Yes there are things that made it hard for me to really open up and fully love and trust in our relationship...her still being technically married and after two years not making progress to officially separate was by far the biggest for me. But still, I feel like we could have been perfect. 

So I'm left thinking how horrible a girlfriend I am, yet again because I can't keep a single woman happy. I must lack the gene or relationship DNA and so lasting happiness with another will never be mine. Was I that bad to her? Did I not love her enough? Did I treat her poorly? I know I did perform certain things enough and that's a problem but after meeting Lisa I never looked at another woman like I looked at her. I still haven't. 

I'm learning I'm not meant to be in a relationship, I'm not good at them but dammit I miss my girlfriend, my lover, my friend, my bedmate, my partner. And the thought that she is moving on and doing those intimate things with someone else and not me, kills me. But I have to be happy for her...because she's free from me.