The ACT of REACHING out...the white flag.

Such a simple thing this act is. A flowing movement that starts with a spark in the mind and is carried out by the body in a matter of a nanosecond. The design so simple yet so very complicated but then again I'm talking simply about but the physical part. What about the mental part of reaching out...the emotional aspect of asking another for help. Not quite so simple to put into words never mind motion.

Whether he meant to or not my dad taught me to handle things on my own. Don't show fear, don't complain, never cry because it shows weakness. In fact, I still can hear his voice in my head saying "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" And sometimes he did just that. Not everything I learned from him was bad...he taught me to use a gun, change a tire, check the oil, camp, fish and punch like a man. "None of that sissy girl fighting." With that being said I also learned that along with crying, asking for help was a show of weakness...a very undesirable trait. And one I have spent my life trying to avoid.

I don't ask for directions. I don't ask for help in home depot. If I can't do something on my own, then I don't do it. If I can't get it right the first time, then I'm not supposed to do it. Skating for instance, I gave it a solid go...a couple times. And failed. Despite my desire to want to skate...it will not happen. It is so deeply ingrained into me that it falls to me and me alone that I don't even know how to ask for help. So horrible at it that the woman I loved left me because I couldn't let her in, because I didn't let her see me cry...because I wasn't vulnerable enough.

When I look around me, I see people reaching their hands out to help me but to take hold of their hand is so hard. To let my guard down long enough to let them in and let me out...terrifies me. The only person I can trust is my mother and my dog. Notice I didn't include me in that...why? Because lately I don't understand my own behaviors, my own thoughts.

I betray even myself.

I'm tired of being hurt. Tired of being let down. Tired of being rejected.

Tired of being alone. In a room. Full of people. People that care about me.

I want to throw the white flag, but it's so heavy with the weight of my pride, my fear, my past.

But it's just a white flag...