Last 2011 entry, and it's not even mine.

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

This was taken from an internet article entitled 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself by Marc and Angel Hack Life. I liked it so much, I decided it would be my final blog post for the year 2011...that started good but is ending anything but. 

Where a stone shouldn't be.

I'm sitting outside Group Health's surgical unit waiting for word on moms condition after emergency surgery to put in a stint to help urine pass from her blocked left kidney. The doctors say that her kidney stone is approx. 9mm in diameter, the body can typically pass anything smaller than 6mm. Either way, mom has been in tremendous pain since Friday and will now be in a different kind of pain because of the stint. They can't go in and remove the stone until her kidney infection on the left side clears up, so at some point this week she will be in surgery yet again. Hopefully that surgery will be the end of her torment when the damn stone is removed from her body.

The last few months of this year have been very difficult for us...me with my sinus issues and now her with her chest pain earlier that landed us in the ER and currently a kidney stone that shouldn't be in her body. I mean seriously, the body shouldn't make stones...I get that Oysters make pearls, but it just doesn't seem right that the human body makes stones. It's just messed up.

It's kind of lonely where I'm at, the last of the patients have gone home and the patient rep just asked me to hold the fort down since she gets to go home now. I'm tired and hungry since I haven't eaten all day but at least I'm not in surgery. On the way down to Bellevue mom had stated to me how sorry she was, "I'm supposed to be home taking care of you after your surgery, not you taking care of me." I gave her my typical response when there are issues such as this, "we're all we have, it's our job to take care of each other."

I had my 2nd post-op visit today with my surgeon...he says the sinus tissues are healing nicely but that the pressure, pain and congestion may take me longer to deal with than initially thought. It would appear I am behind the curve regarding some aspects of my recovery. He is still very pleased with the work he did, I guess it's my work that sucks. He sucked out more goop from inside my sinus cavities and of course I cried some more. I'm still dealing with wicked headaches and congestion but am hopeful when I see him again in a month that I will have good news to report. All I know for sure is that I can't handle this pain and the thought of living the rest of my life with it...well, that's just a no go.

Mom and I still haven't had a chance to have Christmas...or Thanksgiving come to think about it. She was sick with Diverticulitis then and for Christmas she and I both ended up having surgery. Looks like New Years may also suck. I really hope and pray that 2012 brings us better health and more happiness. I'm so over this year, it's not even funny.

Post Sinus Surgery

Six days ago I had sinus surgery in the hope that I could get a handle on all the sinus infections and colds and allergies that have taken over my life. It had gotten so bad for me that I had to take pain pills just to try and make it through the day because my head hurt so bad. I ended up spending more time sick than healthy and after four different attempts to take care of the situation via antibiotics and steroids I finally decided I had enough and opted for surgery. I ended up going to the same surgeon who had taken out my tonsils and adenoids so I trusted his abilities...just didn't make it any easier of an idea to deal with.

Mom took this when I got moved to recovery. Shortly afterwards, lots of blood came out.

The first two days were the worst, couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep, can't smell or taste...but pain took on a new meaning when I accidentally grazed the bridge of my nose with my finger and spent the next ten minutes screaming my lungs out and hysterically sobbing. Mom said she has never heard me scream in pain like that before and really doesn't ever want to hear it again.

With a little bit of numbing agent in my nose, the surgeon pulled out the pictures you see below. The brick looking things are what was stuffed in my back sinus'. The plastic looking things were the splints that held my nose in place. All of that came out of my nose...imagine an oblong shaped marble the size of a quarter in diameter being pulled out of your nose...yeah. Wrap your head around that. It hurt like nothing I have ever experienced before. And honestly, I don't ever want to experience again.

The brick looking things were the packing in my sinus'. The plastic things were the splints that supported my nose. All of that came out of my nose while being totally awake. Painful, painful, painful.

The surgeon seemed very pleased with his work and made several comments that things looked great and this should solve the problems I had been having. I have a second post-op visit on the 27th and I am hoping that by then I will have made significant progress. My head, ears, throat, nose and eyes are still hurting and I worry that I will be like this for the rest of my life, but I need to keep reminding myself that I am only six days out of surgery.

Night at the ER

Went to check on mom the other night, she was on the phone with her best friend from Olympia, Jean and I overheard small bits of the conversation which became rather serious to the point I had to stand and listen. Turns out mom was having some jaw/ear pain that was radiating around the area and to her neck. Jean said I needed to take mom to the ER, of course mom wasn't having it. So between the hounding of Jean and my insistence, finally got mom to call the consulting nurse and after a ton of questions the nurse said we did indeed need to go to the ER because mom was possibly having a heart attack or stroke. I checked mom for the stroke symptoms, which she passed with no difficulties. I gave her some aspirin, not because I know what it does, but because it's on all the heart attack commercials. Got mom dressed and ready to go, said goodbye to Roxy and forced mom into the car.

On the way to the ER mom kept saying that she was fine and this was a waste of time and she didn't want to spend hours in the ER for nothing. I told her that spending hours in the ER to find out there was nothing wrong with her was better then her having a heart attack in the middle of the night. She made a comment that having a heart attack and dying would be fine with her because there really wasn't much to live for. I burst out in tears at the thought that mom thinks her life is that bad or that she would rather die then live and spend time with me and Roxy. Mom asked if I was mad at her for saying it, and I told her that I wasn't mad at her...I was sad. The rest of the ride to the ER was quiet.

Got her all checked in, they put her in one of the back rooms, ordered chest x-rays, blood tests and had her blood pressure, O2 stats and heart rate monitored. She was still complaining that there was no reason for her to be there and while we waited for the results of the tests, I started crying again. Begging mom to please eat better, start to exercise and take more care of her blood sugars. I told her that I couldn't stand the thought of her not being in my life and if something were to happen to her I would lose my mind. She kept telling me that she was going to be okay and that there was nothing wrong with her. I remember thinking that this was a wake up call for us both but I was the only one hearing the call. Here she was strapped to monitors and needles in her arms...I was so frustrated that she wasn't taking this more seriously yet all I could do was stroke and kiss her hand. I love the way my moms hands feel, how smooth they are and how comforting they smell.
The doctor gave her some Nitroglycerin and despite the burning she felt while it dissolved under her tongue, it did seem to ease the pain in her jaw and she did report feeling better. About 4 hours after this adventure started they did another blood draw and the results came back good and her blood pressure was normal so they decided she could go home...mostly because she refused to stay the night even though they wanted her to be observed overnight. The drive home was peaceful but I still had tears in my eyes from her earlier comment that so easily flowed from her mouth but cut me so deep inside. I know that death is a part of the natural order but it doesn't mean I have to be okay with it. And I know that when my mom...my best friend dies...that I will totally lose my mind. I don't know if I will survive losing her but I know that I cherish every single day that I have with her and I always have. Health scares aside, reminders to take care of our loved ones are an important call to answer.

I love you mom.

Passionate Apathy

I could lie about my reasons for not writing more, for being distant and seemingly absent from life but what good would that do? So here’s the truth as dangerous for me as it is, I haven’t cared…about much or anything at all. I just don’t care. And for a therapist, social activist and environmentalist not caring is as bad as it can get…becoming apathetic is the natural nemesis of being passionate. I have lost the desire for most things that I have in the past been very happy with…even roller derby has taken a back seat to the nothingness that has occupied my life. Maybe I burnt out with derby, I don’t know. Maybe it didn’t turn out to be the wonderful creation I initially thought it was. Maybe my expectations about the people were too high…maybe it was a little of all three. Regardless of the reasons, my derby related activities have gone from 3-4 times per week to maybe 2. I have become disenchanted with the sport as it continues to grow, the politics of a once ‘Do it yourself’ activity rapidly taken over with elusions of grandeur and popularity. If I wanted that kind of interaction, I would go back to middle school. I’m not saying that every league and every skater is part of the problem; I just think that the sport is growing faster than its proverbial britches. So the conclusion of this current gripe is my withdrawal from attending a lot of bouts, tournaments and being actively involved with OneWorld Roller Derby (an amazing dream that hasn’t quite turned out to be what I had hoped for).

As for the rest of my life, even my time and interactions with people on facebook have taken a dramatic downturn. I haven’t been spending time with family, I haven’t been painting or writing and I don’t even care about Sunday football. I’m not even passionate about driving. For all intense purposes, I am just going through life right now out of habit. Get up, go to work, come home, love on the dog, take a shower and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I think the main reason for my emotional absence at work is due to the major cut backs that are starting to take place…putting both the lives of my clients as well as the community in jeopardy. Caring about the clients and seeing them as individuals and not just numbers is proving to be a hazard because I can’t fight this battle and instead of being emotionally invested, I have to think of them as ‘casualties of war.’ It’s one thing to be over worked and under paid, I accept the reality that social services is the last place one could work in if money is the main goal. But the changes that are coming and the affects on society have pushed me over the edge…so much so, that I am giving serious thought to leaving the mental health field altogether. Which would be sad given the fact that I am so very good at what I do.

For the most part I’m pretty darn accurate but even I, knowing full well that this train is headed for derailment can’t even fathom the consequences that could follow. Essentially this is what is about to take place, granted it is much more complicated then I present it to be. Welcome to the “trickle down affect” as I so lovingly call it…due to the financial crisis and budget cuts at the Federal level the burden has shifted, trickled down if you will, to the States. In response to those budget cuts, the states have less money for their own budgets and they start making cuts which leads to more and more budget cuts down the line. Shit rolls downhill basically. So due to all these budget cuts, resources have been eliminated to try and save money…to that end, the ‘granters of mental health allocation’ have decided that it no longer is cost effective to serve those who receive only Medicare. The standard will now be that in order for ‘insert company name’ to provide services, clients must now have Medicaid and it is just a bonus if they also have Medicare. Why is this important do you ask? Well, if people have Medicare and do not qualify for Medicaid, they must seek services elsewhere.(by the way, there are no other places to get your services) Umm…let me put it this way…approximately 8,000 people in Snohomish County will suddenly be without insurance (social security). That means that if you only have Medicare and you get your mental health services from ‘insert company name’ and you also happen to live in housing provided by ‘insert company name’…will not only lose your medical coverage, but you will lose your medications, your doctor, your support services AND your housing.

Let me clarify in case you didn’t quite follow me…you aren’t working because you have a severe mental illness, you live in subsidized housing because you only get about $650 a month in benefits. You take several medications to control your health the least of which is a shot that costs $2,000 twice a month and medical coverage and counseling is provided by ‘insert company name’ who are also housing you. You have been stable for about a year but still can’t work and the medications keep you just barely functional. With the new budget issues…your housing is no longer paid for, your medications are no longer covered, your counseling services and medical follow up stop, and your doctor won’t accept your other insurance (Medicare). Guess what, you are now without medications…without a doctor…no medical/mental services and you are homeless.

Not only is this catastrophic for the individuals that will be affected by it first hand, the community will be at risk. The ER’s will be flooded with people just trying to get medications and services that were once paid for, law enforcement will be pushed to the brink with people who are unstable now because they haven’t had their medications and other crisis responders will be stretched beyond their capabilities. The systems that are currently set up to handle mental health issues are barely able to keep up and with the elimination of more and more resources; the end result will strain every other system. I can see the train wreck coming, but I can’t stop it and I can’t even wrap my mind around just how bad this is going to be. When the dominos start falling it will be too late to stop them and we will all suffer. People will die…and I’m not just talking about the homeless guy under the overpass or the family living out of their car. They are not numbers, they are not nameless…these budget cuts are going to hurt real people. Living, breathing people.

So with all that being said…wouldn’t you be emotionally absent if you were faced with this every day?

GasWorks Sunset

While there hasn't been much in the way of blogging on my part, I have been writing...on napkins, boxes and any other surfaces when the ideas strike. Here is a story I started working on about 4 months ago. If anyone has feedback, let me hear it. Anyhow, it's all I've got for right now.

**It had been a while since I had spent any time at Gasworks in Seattle…it was such a beautiful and crisp summer night so I thought I would pull off 99 and spend some time on my beloved grassy hills. With no clouds in sight, and the sun about an hour from setting, it seemed destined for me to watch the sun kiss the sky goodbye for one more night. After backing my bike into the parking spot, turning the key and hearing the engine slowly purr to sleep, I took my helmet off…brushed my hair a bit forward and took in a deep breath of sea air. I thought to myself that I really wished I could share this night with you…and before I could finish my thought, I could hear kids playing on the other side of the trees and so for the moment my reverie was broken by the sound of laughter instead of the tears I have come to expect on a regular basis. I dismounted from my bike, put the keys in my pocket and started off through the closest trail. I remember thinking as I emerged from the tree line that the sky was starting to turn a soft hue of robin’s egg blue mixed with a soft pink pastel. The further West I looked the brighter and more intense the pink became until it reached a fire red, and as I headed towards the hills I could see the kids that had earlier broken my reverie with their laughter. They must have only been 5 and 7 years old, but running around each other playing tag with a little black fluffy dog. I smiled and waved as they looked in my direction and the littlest one waved back just before the dog jumped her and all three of them started rolling around on the grass in hysterical fits of laughter. If only someone could put that kind of joy and unbridled happiness in a bottle and sell it…they would be the richest souls to walk the Earth.

The seagulls were meandering around the area, oddly quiet. I started noticing the thick patches of tiny white flowers mixed in with the grass and the occasional dandy lion as I started up the hill. About half way up, I realized the park was unusually empty for this time of year…especially with the weather being as nice as it had been today. I didn’t think much of it as I was paying close attention to a sea plane that was coming in for a landing …I thought to myself what an awesome experience that must be to fly over the Puget sound, especially as the sun is setting. The top of the hill came a little quicker than I had expected, I must have been deep in thought to not have paid any attention to the separate levels that are marked off with the concrete walkway. My thoughts have been pretty heavy lately, but I’m not usually that engrossed in my thoughts. With the temperature being so mild, I took off my jacket, laying it on the grass where I was going to sit down. I put my helmet on the ground behind my jacket…I lay down on my back with my head resting on my helmet, it made a perfect make shift head rest so long as I didn’t fall asleep. I did that once before and paid the price for days with a killer kink in my neck. From this position I could see the sun setting just under the Aurora bridge, with the silhouettes of the sailboats in the foreground and with a slight turn of my head, I could see the Seattle sky line and the stars that were starting to give away their hiding spots that the daylight does not reveal. I wonder if people realize that day or night, sunny or cloudy…there are always stars out, we just can’t see them. I chuckled a little to myself when I realized that stars are just like our souls…they are always there, just sometimes we don’t show them or we are careful who we show them to. Funny how the universe applies to even the most basic elements of life, us.

As the minutes quietly passed by the sky to the East turned a deep blue and as my eyes wandered to the West the blue became lighter but the bright fiery red had given way to a softer orange. The sun would be saying goodnight shortly, and once again I realized that time had passed quicker than expected as I noticed my thoughts had turned to you. Wondering where you were, what you were doing, if you ever thought of me like I did you? I often replay our conversations in my head, wondering if there was something I could do or say different that would provide me the outcome I so badly desired. I looked up just in time to see the last of the suns rays fading…losing their fight with the darkness that comes each night. I sat up, looking around to see who else was still at the park…there was a lovely couple walking down the waterfront path, I smiled to myself but then wished that had been you and I instead. Walking together hand in hand, leaning into each other…talking sweetly, gently to each other with the occasional laughter busting through the silence of this new nightfall. My heart gave out a ragged beat…as if my longing had stopped it for a brief moment and then it remembered that it needed to beat a little extra to make up for what was missed.  Not enough beats could ever make up for the emptiness that consumes my heart these days.

I decided it was time to get going before I couldn’t see the pathway to the tree line anymore, I picked up my jacket shaking out the bugs and spare grass clippings before putting it back on, reached down and grabbed my helmet and with one last glance back towards the cities skyline silently said good night and started my way down the hill to my bike. It wasn’t too cold out tonight so I really was in no hurry to go any where, I pushed through the trees to where I had parked my ride…lifted my right leg over to straddle the bike and sat down in the ever so familiar seat. I took the key from my pocket, sticking it in the ignition and as I began to put my helmet on I realized I wasn’t alone in the parking lot. There was one lone car about 12 spots down from me and I thought I recognized it…my heart did a quick jump before my head weighed in on the matter, “deb chill out. What are the chances…like a million to one that it was her car? Get a freaking grip.” But then I thought to myself that I didn’t recall seeing anyone else at this end of the park. Again my heart skipped a beat and my head started racing…could it be her?**

Thanks for following along with me. And again sorry about not blogging more regularly. I guess I didn't think anyone would notice or care if I stopped. Well, I guess that's a topic for another day. 

Under Construction...

Okay, okay...I know it has been a long while since I last wrote. My bad. So I log on and there are all kinds of new toys to play with...colors, backgrounds, text, layouts and so on. While it may look one way today, it may very well look different another day. I never did promise anyone a rose garden. Or for that matter a rational or organized blog. What I guess I'm trying to say is stay tuned, I will be back. I have lots to say and just don't feel ready to say it.

I can't win a losing fight...

Sigh. I wish I had better news to share, alas, I do not. After what was a very healthy last 5 months and losing 20 lbs...I have found myself on a downward death ride I can't seem to get corrected. I have regained 6 lbs that I had hoped would never again find me and to make matters worse, I go out of my way to make horrible eating choices. Where once I had the mentality that 'I am going to do this dammit' I now only find 'fuck it, screw it and bite me' in its place. As if it weren't bad enough, I have started to binge, minus the purge (which I have never done...my choice has always been to starve myself) and find myself quickly losing control of everything in my life. I keep trying to trace back when my mind frame changed and the only place holder I find is getting those damn blood sugar results back where my level jumped 10 pts to 107. For some reason, that is where my mental hiccup starts. I again tired all the time, feeling overly fat, loathsome, bitchy, my body hurts, my feet are again causing me problems and my image is well, 'effed up.' I realize it was only 20 lbs that I lost, but I felt like a totally different person. A happy person, someone who could finally do what she put her mind to, a person worthy to walk the earth and like herself. Needless to say, I am no longer that person. Sad thing is, it's not like it snuck up on me. I have watched myself every day make poor decisions regarding food or drink, I have added size back to my food portions and stopped keeping track of what I put in my body. I have been not only an active witness to my self destruction, but a passive one as well. That may not make a lot sense to you, but it speaks volumes to me. Just like a train wreck, you can see it coming but you can't do anything to stop it.

Except I am not a train wreck and I have the ability to control my eating and exercise habits. I have the ability to put down the bad food and pick up the good. I have the ability to say no but I make the choices that spell my doom. I am my own worst enemy and instead of taking back control...I throw my hands up with the inner commentary exclaiming 'everyone can fuck off, I'm an adult and can do whatever the hell I want!' And then I pretend that everything that is going on with me doesn't affect me to the extent it does. The last 5 months have been amazing for me, stressful yes, but healthy ones minus allergy issues. My feet felt better, my connective tissues didn't flare up so bad, I was sleeping better and more than all of those...I kinda started to like myself. Sigh.

I am not looking for any great words of wisdom or people to pelt me with imaginary rocks for my sins...I am writing this all down in an attempt to keep myself honest.

I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to live the rest of my life a prisoner in my own body. With all that said, you would think I could get a grip and right the ship...I wish it were that easy.

But nothing worth doing, is going to be easy. Yes, I know. I'm a therapist remember?! Sigh.

I am disappointed in myself, and I imagine that if anyone reads my blog...they are likely disappointed in me as well. And I am sorry to all of us. I can't say tomorrow will be better. I can't say that I will make better choices or turn things around. But what I can say, and often advise clients..."I understand that you hurt. I understand that you feel bad. I understand that you are sorry. But being sorry does nothing. If you are indeed sorry, then make a change."

Deb...I am sorry, and I want to make a change. I just don't know how.......

Derby LilSecrets Roller Derby Magazine Article

Just wrote an article for an online/in print roller derby magazine. Thought I would share it just for funzies.

When you think of the Pacific Northwest, it’s the proverbial coffee shop and days of endless rain that come to mind. We Northwesterners are well aware of our reputation, and for the most part we don’t do much to change those perceptions. More recently, our reputation has changed a bit as roller derby has taken over the I-5 corridor with more than 6 leagues battling for dominance on both the flat and banked track. With over 12 derby leagues forming globally weekly, it is clear that this sport is no passing fad. But hang on, something new is brewing…and it’s coming by way of Donna ‘The Hot Flash’ Kay, Lisa ‘Smokin’ Guns’ Moody and Deb ‘Diz Ruptive Thunder’ Carlsen. Not only is it new, it is unlike anything you’ve ever seen in the current world of derby. After being part of the Rat City Rollergirls and the Tilted Thunder Rail Birds, The Hot Flash decided there needed to be some changes. So she sold her real estate business and created OneWorld Roller Derby (OWRD) where both Smokin Guns and Diz Ruptive Thunder joined the ranks as co-

founders to see OWRD’s mission come to life.

Far Left, Lisa ‘Smokin’ Guns’ Moody. Center, Deb ‘Diz Ruptive Thunder’ Carlsen. Far Right, Donna ‘The Hot Flash’ Kay.

OWRD is taking the Old School Derby Association (OSDA) mainstream and in just 5 months of recruitment the league has established 4 teams, junior derby, co-ed derby, and separate advanced skater practices that will eventually form an All Star travel team.

OWRD isn’t here to challenge WFTDA, rather to provide an alternative mode of competition that puts more focus on the basic skills of skating, communicating and playing safely. OWRD works together to offer another way to bring athletes together while providing a zero tolerance policy for negativity about any person or group. It is clearly understood and agreed that we are training, improving, and offering alternatives, a place where all are welcome regardless of skill level. Whether your end result is to skate for a traditional roller derby team, to get healthy, to become more active, or to expand your social life…OWRD is designed to be competitive, athletic, recreational, and instructional. Another key difference is that OWRD is structured with no tryouts, no committees and only attendance requirements apply to All Star skaters. Our members range from people wanting exercise, to top notch athletes, and there is a place here for all levels of participation as well as continual opportunity to change your intention along the way. We believe that life is about helping one another through the pack which is not limited to roller derby. So I guess to sum it up, OWRD is just trying to make our little slice of the world a better place by having an open door policy and facilitating opportunities to experience this phenomenal sport. What’s next for OWRD you wonder? The Hot Flash intends on starting up a deaf derby league/team in the very near future. By the time this is published, be prepared to hear about our bouts and All Star team. Just like the rotation of the Earth, OWRD cannot be stopped.

For more information please visit our website http://www.oneworldrollerderby.com or give us a call toll free at (505) 4DERBY3.

-Deb ‘Diz Ruptive Thunder’ Carlsen

Love ain't no fairy tale...

I've recently posted a question to my facebook friends regarding love. The answers were varied and some were a little off topic but for the most part, I think I heard what I already knew. Just like in therapy with clients, they usually have the answers, I just have to let them talk their way through the muddled mess of thoughts so they can realize they knew the answer before they asked the question. Sometimes it is helpful to bounce ones thoughts off of other people just to get a different perspective or to 'piggy back' on a thought stream that you didn't know how to connect to the river. I don't know if I believe in soul mates, or the 'happily ever afters' in this world. Relationships are hard, really hard. They take a lot of work, dedication, loyalty, trust, humility, love, humor and ton of patience. Sometimes relationships can break you, make you fall to your knees and beg for forgiveness. And each time I have worked on keeping a relationship together, it has always felt lopsided. One partner is working harder than the other, and that's fine for the regular, everyday stuff. But when it comes to the deep seated, rooted connections...both parties need to have an equal desire and commitment to keeping the relationship together. So, after all my failed attempts both because I sucked and because they did too...how does one know when the next relationship...is THE relationship?

My friend Geekk said that love is "real love is like gravity, totally unavoidable. You won't be able to stay away." So then I asked if it was like magnets...she said yes. Which scares that crap out of me. I have found someone that I really do feel incomplete when we are apart. Someone who makes me want to be a better person, love more, feel more, grow, evolve, better myself...someone who just by being in the same room fills my heart with joy. She enters the room and it instantly brightens. I'm totally sprung on this woman. And with all these great feelings and thoughts and warm fuzzies and butterflies...there is also a scary, dark side that triggers my defenses in an attempt to keep her away...because I've not been successful with any relationship thus far and I end up losing my best friends when I get involved with them and it falls apart. So not only do I lose my lover, I lose my friend. It's been a year since Anji crushed me...and while I have zero desire to be in her life or revisit that trauma...I am scared to love and lose. But like Geekk said, I can't help myself. She is my magnet...when we are apart it is a strain, a constant source of friction and tension that once we are together, instantly goes away. And everything is okay. When we are together, everything else just kind of goes away. It's like she is all I can see, hear, think about. I totally know I have fallen in love...and I'm scared to lose her even before I get her. Ugh.

Relationships. Are. Complicated. So is life. And love.

I haven't known this woman for very long, but there is a connection that I cannot deny. And there are boundaries to us being together, but I will wait. I will let her do what she needs to do to find herself, to love herself enough to realize that she has outgrown the 'skin' she is in and that it is time for her to escape the cocoon that has for so long held her...and I will smile and cheer when she cuts through those lines and spreads her wings...and flies. I will stand tall and cheer her efforts even if her flight does not bring her to me. I will not force such things. She is worthy of so much, and I will spend my life bettering myself so that she can see her through my eyes. I will love her, by loving myself. Yes there are complications, hiccups and limitations that keep us apart...but I must have faith that if she is my other half...my magnet...that all will work out. Not effortlessly mind you, I'm not stupid, and I'm not in some freaking fairy tale. There is no shoe to find a foot...but if our hands fit together...and our souls find peace with each other. Shoes are optional.

Epic Lamesauce...

I am sick...sinus infection and a severe acute bronchitis so the doctor says. Antibiotics and anti-inflammatory medications prescribed, which I hate with a passion. Antibiotics hate my body, they mess with my chemistry and end up causing a lot of pain to my girly parts. Hey, I never said there wouldn't be any TMI on my blog posts so, just deal with it. I have to. I guess I figure if I'm going down, I'm taking you with me. Blah. I have been home for about a week now, coughing to the point that I've pulled my back, side and stomach muscles. I've been coughing up blood here and there along with whatever other crude is coming out of both my chest and sinus'. It's great when I can get that crap out, but my body just seems to make more. I'm trying to bail out the water in this sinking ship. And in this case, I guess I would be the ship. Glub...glub...blub...

I hate being gone from work, it messes with my brain. It makes me very nervous when I am gone that others are trying to screw me over, or people who don't know what is going on with my clients get things all confused and messed up. When I'm sick I get very sensitive, emotional and kind of paranoid. I don't know how to explain it, it just is what it is. I don't trust people with my caseload. Not that I am the only one who can do right by my clients, sigh. I just don't know how to explain why I feel the way I do. I just need to get better. I need to be at work. I need to do a good job so my supervisor doesn't think he needs me or decides that not having me there is okay. I need to prove my worth to everyone I work with. Just thinking about all this makes me very anxious. Ugh, I hate being sick.

Not only am I missing work, but I'm missing derby as well. And that makes for a very grumpy deb. I feel like I'm letting down my OWRD league, the owner and other co-founders. I sort of feel useless in general in this organization but right now, because of the earlier mentioned reasons, feel that I am an epic failure. I can't do enough or do it fast enough. I try, it is hard though working a full time job, and living so far from the rest of the co-founders. I travel a lot, and between the four league home bases, other stops to meet up with groups, editing pictures and trying to eat and sleep...I just run out of hours in the day. And I think I've gone full circle. When I don't take care of myself...eat right, get enough sleep and so on...I get sick. So here I sit, using my precious vacation time on sick leave.

I hope and pray that this vision I am following, this OneWorld Roller Derby league grows into the amazing picture that I have bought in on hook, line, and sinker. I so badly want this league to explode into greatness. To be a welcome place for those outcast by the typical derby model. I want this to succeed not only for me, but for Flash and Gunny and the rest of us that are putting our hearts and souls into this project. I want this to go from a major time and energy volunteer investment to a paid job doing something that I am totally in love with. DERBY. How amazing would that be...to get paid to do something that you love...that you think about all the time, that you study, you watch, you play. I don't think I can even wrap my head around that picture. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I didn't think I would live this long...so I didn't really plan anything. I just let life take me where it wanted to go. I'm pretty sure at some point I should do some planning, but life seems to be doing a decent job so far. Yes, I'm not a millionaire and I don't have any savings or stock options...but I have a pretty damn good life. I have a decent job with decent pay, sometimes I think I am respected by my peers for my clinical experience, I have a good home with amazing support and love, I have met wonderful people in derby, discovered things about myself that otherwise I wouldn't have known...so, if the universe and/or Heavenly Father sees fit to continue helping me on my way...I sure as heck won't refuse the help.

When waiting lasts forever...

My heart is very heavy right now, actually it has been feeling this way for a couple of days now. It's complicated to explain, and I don't even know what or how to say anything...I just know that I need to write, I can't keep these thoughts and feelings inside or I might explode. I've been consumed with thoughts that keep me up at night, thoughts that way heavy on my mind and make my heart feel as if it were going to stop beating. I guess in order to explain my thinking I have to back up a bit. So press rewind and let's go back to 2007-08, after Danielle and before Anji. I had met a woman who worked in the same offices I did, just not for the same company. She was really sweet, and attracted to me but she was in an "open relationship" with her long time girlfriend and so we didn't get that much time together. Granted I had little understanding of what being in an "open relationship" meant, but basically it was each of them could mess around with whoever they wanted but no traces could be left at the apartment indicating they had anyone over. It kind of made sense at the time, now it just confuses me more and I realize what an odd concept an open relationship is to me. And I have also come to realize that I am a monogamous type of person. So well, yeah.

Anyway, Christina promised me that I was different than all the others...we spent time together when she wasn't with her girlfriend and her girlfriend wasn't with other people. Did I mention how odd this was? Just checking. I really liked Christina, but I wasn't okay with feeling like I wasn't good enough to be worthy of being in a relationship with. We talked a lot about how unhappy she was with her girlfriend and how much she wanted to be with me, but she kept trying to get to get me to understand how complicated things were and that she couldn't just "break up" with her girlfriend. And for awhile I was okay with playing second choice. She said she was trying to get to the point that she would leave her girlfriend because they just didn't care about each other anymore. She was very convincing too. I waited for almost 9 months for her to find her way, to figure out whether she wanted to be with me (only) or if she was going to stay with her girlfriend, because I couldn't keep sharing her. At about the one month mark, she told me that she knew it was going to take a long time, and that I deserved to be happy and that I shouldn't wait for her. She also said that she realized that by the time she gets things figured out, it might be too late for us and she would have to deal with the fact that she missed out on me.

I waited, and waited. Kept hoping she would find herself and decide what would make her happy...even if being with me wasn't the answer. I really did just want her to be happy...even though being without her, made me sad. So like I said, I waited for her for 9 months...and then I had to let go. She hadn't made any progress towards making a decision one way or the other, and I decided that her inaction, really was a decision even if she didn't think it was. So I started dating other people. And about a month after I had started seeing Anji, Christina finally came to me and told me that she was ready and wanted to be with me. When she found out that I had moved on, she lost her mind...knowing that she had let me go and willingly gave me up. She tried for months to get me back, telling me what a mistake she had made and how sorry she was for hurting me and that she always wanted to be with me. I reminded her that she told me to move on and that she took responsibility in the event that when she finally figured herself out, there was a risk that I would not be there.

Her fears came true, I had moved on, tired of waiting for someone who wasn't willing to put their own happiness ahead of pissing off another person. It had less to do with me and more to do with the fact that she was content living with unhappiness, misery and someone who didn't even love her much less like her. She didn't realize how it killed me having to watch her live a life I knew she wasn't happy in. But I would have kept doing it, had she not trailed me along with the ideas that she was going to make a change and be with me. Only to find out that she had made no forward progress. There is enough misery in the world, I couldn't sit by and let her bring more into my life then was already there. I was working on trying to find my own place in this world and I would not sacrifice who I was by putting my life on hold for her. I have never had anyone regret a decision more than her...

So here is where I really struggle...I find myself in somewhat of the same situation now. I pray that love reaches through to this person, that she will grab hold of the happiness I know she deserves. Even if that happiness doesn't include me, I want so badly for her to be with someone who loves, appreciates, respects and encourages positive growth in her. I think I could be the best thing that could happen to her...I don't know why I feel that way, I just know how I feel and I'm starting to love her. And with each passing day, my heart falls deeper and harder and I'm scared this is just going to end in a repeat of Christina. I was able, however long it took, to walk away from Christina because I knew she wasn't doing the things she needed to be happy...I don't feel anywhere close to that about this person now. I am falling hard, I am falling fast for this woman and it would crush me to not have her in my life.

I have dreamt of us, in our older years...swinging together on a hammock in the spring time. The Cherry blossoms are in full bloom, the birds are singing and it is a warm day. We are swaying side to side...she is resting on her side next to me with half of her body laying on me as I lay on my back reading to her. The dogs play in the yard, a squirrel runs across the fence line and the breeze carries with it the smell of lilac trees from the yard across the street.

Sigh.

Updated list of 25 things...

I looked back at the original 25 list I did in 2009, and since so much has changed I decided that perhaps I would redo it for 2011. I'm not going to tag people, this is more just for show and tell purposes. Anyway, I hope I don't bore anyone to blindness.

1. I want to get a doctoral degree in child psychology...a masters might be acceptable.

2. I already have two books in mind to write and I'm thinking of a third currently.

3. I often wonder if my clients are right about life, and the rest of us are wrong.

4. Unrequited love is perhaps the most painful feeling in life aside from the death of a loved one.

5. I have one secret I will take to my grave...there might actually be two. But I'll stick to just thinking of one.

6. Aside from murder, I think I have violated each of the 10 commandments. Er, 9.

7. If I was not Mormon, I would be buddhist.

8. Potty humor is by far the funniest humor on Earth.

9. I am starting to believe I am not a mistake by being gay...I'm working on loving and accepting who I am.

10. I feel like I am a popular and athletic woman who is wrapped in this fat and burdened body.

11. I tried to kill myself 3 times in high school...I am now thankful that they were unsuccessful.

12. When I came out to my friends in college, I lost all of them that were in the church.

13. When I came out to my family, I lost most. But some have loved me extra hard to make up the difference.

14. My mom is my best friend, she always has been and always will be.

15. I have been abused, molested, and raped...but I still have love to give to people.

16. Roller derby has saved my life...and soul.

17. I love collecting rocks, sand and water from places I visit. (or from places friends visit)

18. Legos bring me so much happiness, I think there might actually be something wrong with me.

19. I don't care if there is something wrong with me, deal.

20. Music is my life...without it, life would suck. It would suck stinky, sweaty balls.

21. My greatest fear is being alone.

22. When I grow up, I want to matter. Somehow.

23. I'm way more sensitive then people know.

24. I work hard to hide my sensitivity with humor.

25. I hate how cruel people are to others, animals and the world.

Food for thought...

It is always a critical step in evolution...the step of understanding the difference between what you want vs. what you don't want. A simple idea but an action often hard to implement. So much attention is focused on making people figure out what they want in life, in a partner, in a job, in a family...so on and so on. We are led to believe that if figure that out, life will magically fall into place and we will get the so called 'happily ever after' affect. When in reality, what is most important in life, is finding what we DON'T want. Janet Jackson had it mostly right when she sang about the Pleasure Principle...we are human beings, and as such are pleasure driven and pain avoiding. There are of course the outliers that often skew the grading curve...the ones who get pleasure from pain, but for the sake of my delusionary thinking that anyone reads my blog...I will leave those outliers...out.

Everything that is worth a lot of money or important in our lives, comes with a manual. Think about it...your car, your stereo, your computer, your job, your phone...all come with owner's manuals. But we don't. The most important thing in our life...has no manual for how to care for it...how to love, cherish, worship, treat, and nourish OURSELVES. How fucked up is that? No manuals on how to adequately and appropriately love...

YOU.

So with that being said, we muddle our way through life making mistake after mistake, bouncing off of metaphorical walls. Getting into relationships that we think we are supposed to be in because someone on TV or in a book says so. Day time TV is full of 'how to' topics...in effort to somehow tell you what you should want for you...what is best for you. But really, shouldn't the person telling you what is best for you, be you? Only you can know what makes you truly happy. Only you know what has failed in the past, what has made things better...only you should be allowed to direct your path in this life. No one should ever have that power over you, no one should govern over you by power, threat, or guilt. Those in your life should work with you, help you, encourage and cheer you on. Friends and family should be your foundation for a better life...to want you to better your life not for something they may benefit from, but because they truly want your life better...because you do. No one should take from you, without giving in equal amounts. Not ever.

Our hearts and souls are like buckets...and the mistake we make, is giving and giving of the precious life sustaining liquid that nourishes us to everyone around us, without getting any in return. You serve no purpose in life if you give all of what you are, until the point you are empty. Then not only do you cease to exist for you, but for everyone who loves you. You must first sustain your life and only after you have your fill, do you share the excess with others. And only with those who return love and life to your bucket. There will always be people in this world that will take and take and take...with no regard or thought for the person they are draining. You cannot control them or the life they lead...your only responsibility is to determine just how much of who you really are deep down that you are willing to give up. To sacrifice for someone who doesn't even see your selfless gift as such. If it were not you, it would be someone else. And then someone else after them. So if you struggle deciding if you are worth caring for...try this on for size...are those you love and care for worth giving up? Because you short change them by letting anyone suck you dry and limiting your potential.

Just food for thought...

If I had one wish...

How many times have we thought about that question in its various forms...a genie in a bottle, four leaf clovers, blowing an eyelash from your finger, wishing on the first star you see at night, blowing out your birthday candles, wishing on the cracking of the turkey wish bone, so on and so on. The belief in having wishes has been around since people could rub two brain cells together to form a thought. True it may not have been defined as a "wish" but it has always been there. In fact wishing is so much a part of our culture...you can often exchange the word want in its place and get the same general outcome. I wish I could skate...I want to skate. I wish I could be with so and so...I want to be with so and so. I wish I could to efficient crossovers...I want to do efficient crossovers. Such a simple idea, but one is a direct action, one actually leads us to make a desired outcome actually happen. And one, does not. My point? I really have no idea. I sat down with the intention of writing something very different, and the above paragraph came out instead. I long ago stopped forcing my writing to take the path I thought it needed to go. I have learned that what comes out is true and real and must be said, even if I don't understand why. So there it is, take from it what you will or nothing at all. Either way, I can move on now...

The topic that I had intended on sitting down to discuss is the act of judging oneself. We all do it, we all hate it, yet we cannot stop. The worst part of it all, is that we are our own worst judges. Our vision is skewed and faulty, yet knowing that full well we still judge ourselves. If our judgement was say, a dishwasher...that was faulty and not cleaning the dishes right...would we keep using it? No. We would call a repair dude to come in and clean out the crap, fix whatever was broken so that we could again wash our dishes so they would come out clean each and every time we put dirty dishes in. Why do we not act the same when it comes to ourselves? Because we are always the exceptions to the rule. It is impossible for us as a species to see ourselves clearly. Our experiences, our history, our family and friends, everything we do and have gone through color our lenses...some things provide us a beautiful array of dazzling colors, while others just smudge the dirt around much like a dirty windshield. Yes, we push around the dirt and crap, but instead of cleaning the lens we just spread the filth and make it harder to see. So, what do we use in a car to help our vision? Wiper fluid...to help wash the lens clean. Our friends, the true friends in our lives and those that love and accept us for who and what we are inside and out, are our wiper fluid. They give us the view of ourselves we lack. Perspective with which we can get a better picture of where we are in relation to the world. Those that embrace us, wash away the shit that we put on our lenses, as well as the shit others dump on us. The expectations, the lies, the betrayals, the drama...all the shit that people throw at us...can be washed away with the love and acceptance of those who cherish us.

So why don't we use more fluid in our lives? Why do we let layers and layers of shit cake onto us to the point the nozzles are frozen shut? Why do we let people make us question who we are? When we, are the best person to vouch for our true intentions...why can we not forgive ourselves like we forgive others? Why do we let the insecurities of others bury us in their shit? It is not ours to own. It does not belong to us and it is not ours to carry. We can help each other to see ourselves more clearly, but we cannot do the work for others. They must want to see the vision of who they are for themselves. Much like you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. We must want to improve ourselves, we must want to change what we see, with what vision, and determine where the limit is. And when we reach that limit...be able to say "no more." I will no longer be subject to your lies, your view of who you think I should be. I am me, and if you cannot love me for me, then you do not deserve me.

It is okay...it is more than okay to limit the anchors that pull you down. We all need to have people in our lives that lift us up to be better human beings, to create a better world than how we found it. There is no rule in life that says we must carry dead weight. The only rule...is to love yourself. And I'm getting there. Are you?

What a year can mean...

A year ago the content life I was living with my then girlfriend and her little boy...came to a crashing halt when who she really was finally revealed itself, leaving me to find the lies and betrayal and pulling her little boy from my life. Those actions sent me into a horrible downward spiral that I was sure was going to take my life. I had never hurt so badly before, I had never doubted everything in my life more and I spent endless nights praying that God would stop my heart in the middle of the night so I wouldn't have to wake up in the morning. Tear after tear poured out of me creating a seemingly endless sea that should have drowned my very soul. There was a time that I thought the only way to live was to admit myself to a mental hospital...I felt so wrecked inside.

Minutes turned into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months...and now here it is a year later. I am still alive, still employed, I have friends in my life that love me, I have family that for the most part love and support me...and I have totally moved on. It is true that I never wanted to ever fall in love again, it is true that I promised myself that I would never give my heart to another person...I had every intent on spending the rest of my life alone. I figured if I spent enough time working and doing derby related things, and made lots of friends that would be all I needed. No more love. Not ever. Never again. It hurts too much...I almost didn't survive Anji. For a year the idea of love or being interested in someone like that made my heart cringe in utter fear and loathing. The idea actually made me physically ill. Back then, my head and heart agreed.

Not so much now it would seem. I have met a wonderful woman, a beautiful woman...inside and out who caught me totally off guard. I wasn't looking for someone, but I turned around and suddenly she was there. I don't even know how it happened, or when. One week she was just another person, and then the next week...she was more. I tried hard to just brush the feelings off, I still didn't want to be involved with anyone, and why would I expect anyone to be interested in me...I mean, well...it doesn't matter. Everyone who knows me, knows I hate myself so there's no reason to re-hash that commentary. In any event, I did try to avoid the feelings, I tried to just let them fall away...I tried. And so now I find my head and heart at war again. My head refuses to allow me to be with someone, my head tells me to not fall in love, my head tells me that this will only end in sadness. My heart...well, it doesn't tell me anything. It makes me feel...makes me long...makes me desire...makes me need. My head knows better, but my heart aches for her. She has no idea how she affects me, the feelings I feel, the thoughts that race through my head when I see her. I hate how my heart weakens me...shakes my resolve and makes me question myself. Love is so confusing...I don't think I can live with her, or without her...or love for that matter.

She is on my mind everyday...she is the last thing I think about at night, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I wonder what she is doing during the day...if she is happy, safe, content? While I badly want her to know my true feelings, I cannot afford to be that weak. Giving someone that kind of power over me again...scares the shit out of me. What if she doesn't like me the way I like her? What if I am only a game to her? What if I am only a fun and playful distraction in an otherwise crazy world? Is it really better to have loved and lost then never to have loved? Sigh. I don't know. Love is a bitter sweet pill...it can bring unmeasurable amounts of love with an equal measure of pain. I don't know if I am strong enough to handle another heart break. In fact, I'm not sure how much of my heart is even still intact after the devastation that Anji left in her wake.

If it was up to my head, I would not give her a second thought. If it were up to my heart, I would show up at her doorstep with flowers. The battle wages on, there is no clear victor. I don't know what I have to gain, but I know I have a lot to lose. When I'm away from her, my head tends to wage its war with clear vengeance, but when I'm with her, my heart is in full attack mode. I want my heart to win.

So I guess, when and if the time comes...whatever is left of my heart, she can have.

Damaged goods...

I'm sorry it has been so long since last I wrote...not that I expect a lot of people really care, but for those that do read my blog to keep up with me, I do apologize. Things have been very busy for me lately...work of course takes up the standard 40-50 hours a week. Derby in its various forms ends up taking about another 8-12 hours and driving back and forth between Marysville, Seattle and Bellevue eat up another 4-6 hours every week. At some point, I do try and sleep...though I don't seem to sleep well even when I make the time. May is a rough time for me, its been a year since Anji split from me, and I recently found out that she and the girl she was seeing while with me...well, they are "partnered" now...married, whatever. For a while there I thought my life was going to end when she broke my heart, I just couldn't imagine being able to heal after that kind of pain. And yet, here I am. And I'm not really upset that she and that other woman are together. I'm actually pretty fine with it, I still don't wish her any happiness but I don't wish her any ill will. I continue to miss Zachary...but with time at some point his memory will fade just like it has with hers.

Derby has saved my life...it is true there has been a lot of drama and some heartache, but overall derby is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I continue to meet some amazing people, so are very close to me while others are at a comfortable distance, but there for me nonetheless. I am heavily involved in a new derby league 'OneWorld Roller Derby' and am so happy to be a part of the founding members of the league. The amazing Hot Flash is our coach and mentor...the complete lead in all this craziness. I have come to really admire and love her. While others who have claimed to stand with me through everything and to always have my back, have in turned stabbed the back they once claimed to protect. I haven't been back on skates in a long while, and have found myself scared to get back on them. And others have made it known to me that they don't like me being around if I am not going to skate...that I am only involved with derby so I can "get some ass"...among other homophobic rants. I work with OWRD not only as a founding member, helper but I am also the league photographer...but soon I will likely be the one putting together the league newsletter. So, yeah...did I mention that I am really busy?

The poems that I last put on this blog, were about an incredible woman that I have recently met...and have started falling for. Hard. I don't think I stand much of a chance with her, but she's amazing. Life is complicated and we all know that I suck at relationships...so sometimes I don't know why I even entertain the idea of being with someone. I don't expect her to like me, let alone fall in love with me. She has her own life and distance from my world. After Anji, I promised myself that I would NEVER be in a romantic relationship with another woman, or guy for that matter. No more love...I can exist without it. The pain and heartache is just too much. And I end up screwing things up so not only do I lose a lover, I lose a best friend. While I am very attracted to this person, not just physically but mentally, spiritually...there is always a battle going on in my head that reminds me that I am 0 for 4 in relationships...and I really am so tired of losing good friends because I can't be what they want me to be. So that war rages in me daily...and of course the ever present voice in my head that reminds me that I am not allowed to be happy because I'm gay. So yeah...I'm damaged goods.