http://www.jetcityrollergirls.com

Derby Hero of the Quarter

Winter –  Dizruptive Thunder

Congrats to our Derby Hero of the Winter Quarter–  Dizruptive Thunder!!! People who voted for him said…

- She is a huge supporter of the league, is sweet as hell, and will always go the extra mile.

- She’s conscientious and takes great pics too!

- She is a huge supporter and does anything it takes to support jet city, even if it means sacrificing her own personal interests.

- Diz has endlessly supported this league. She has proved to be one of our biggest supporters and takes great pictures of us too! Love you, dizzy!

- You can always count on Diz to be supportive of everyone. She has been a great NSO and is evolving into a great photographer for the derby community.

- She supports all of the teams and is dedicated to the league.

- She has always supported the league with her photos and NSOing. She stood up for a league member on the forum and was removed from NSOing. I generally don’t vote but since she was standing up for me she gets my vote.

- She is so dedicated to this league and considers us all as family, has worked in many capacities for us and just keeps giving. Love her!

- She is always willing to help with anything happening with the league!

- For her amazing devotion and loyalty to JCRG!

- She is dedicated to our family, she includes everyone in our family.

Just Put it Down

I recently read an article in the January/February North End Metro Magazine called Forgiving the Unforgiven written by Ken Karlberg. As you can expect, it was about forgiveness or rather the consequences of not granting forgiveness. The article starts out with a story “as a young boy, age 5 or 6, I used to play in the local woods where the soil was mostly clay and the clay would stick to my ‘shoes,’ the farther that I walked, the longer that I played, the heavier the build-up of clay. Eventually, the burden became more work than joy and I would head home.” He went on to share, “I was literally an inch or two taller as I walked because I did not think to knock the clay from the bottom of my shoes.” So as I was reading the article I began to think that life is kind of like that clay. I guess to better summarize my thought on this is that we trudge around life, picking up stuff…stuff from other people, stuff from society, stuff from church…just a lot of stuff. And it adds up, building over time until it just becomes too much. A few paragraphs into the article, sure enough…there’s my thoughts written on paper. “We are all carrying the heavy burden of life’s accumulation of clay on our feet.”

This is the first time I have read someone’s interpretation of life’s stuff as clay, usually we call it baggage. I like the notion that baggage is heavy, that clay is heavy. Both are equally excellent analogies for life, or more specifically the parts of life we cling to and have trouble shaking off. Our childhood memories, things people have said to us, the way people have treated us, reactions to things we have done and said…it all stays with us, some more than others. We all have baggage, the only difference is how light or heavy each of us pack. If you go with the analogy of acquiring layers of clay, then how often do you shake your shoes off, or do you ever shake your shoes off?

With the baggage, are you carrying around your own or have you picked up someone else’s  in the mistaken belief that it’s yours? Sometimes when we stay in one place, life can turn into the luggage carousel at the airport. We stand and wait, and wait…then thinking we see our luggage, we pick up what we think is ours and start to move on. But sometimes, yes I know we have all done it…started walking away with what we think is ours, but really it belongs to someone else. Sometimes we notice right away and put it back, sometimes we move on only to discover the mistake later…still other times we are too proud to turn around and put the luggage back on the carousel for fear of looking stupid. Either way, the end result is that we take more than we should. Stuffs that aren’t ours to carry about on our journey in this life, sometimes we spend so much time convincing ourselves that this extra crap is ours that we lose sight of what we really need. Want. Deserve. We get tired. Exhausted.

We start to see the world from a skewed perspective…buried under the weight of all that we carry. So at some point we can’t see what’s really there, and that’s when things go really bad. Our minds start to create a world that doesn’t exist, we become victims of our circumstances and believe what we see, is how the world really is. That’s when our inner demons come out to play…when we are tired, weak, overburdened, and feeling alone. They torment us with thoughts of how we should be, what we should look like, the way our lives are supposed to be going. They make us compare ourselves to others. But it’s not even a fair comparison…we begin comparing our worst traits, our biggest mistakes with what we THINK we see from others. Remember our vision is skewed by all the luggage/baggage that we carry, and it’s not even all ours. I read a saying on Facebook that I think is perfect for what I’m trying to explain, “don’t compare your B roll to someone else’s A roll.” As a photographer, that analogy makes perfect sense to me. You can actually take it one step further…forget roll A and B…don’t compare any undeveloped roll to one that’s fully developed.

We are all a work in progress. Some further along than others. Our journey is specific to each and every one of us, yet we cling to the idea that we must be as good or “normal” as those around us. We all need to stop walking around with layers of clay on our shoes. We all need to stop carrying all the baggage. Just stop. Put it down. If it has your name on it, only take the necessary items that make you, you. Pack lightly. And if it doesn’t have your name on it, leave it behind…it is not yours to carry.

I feel stuck.

Sometimes I forget that when you ask to know something, you should always be prepared for the answer. I was foolish and forgot my own rule…I begged to know some information and immediately regretted being given access to it. Yes, it is true that knowledge is power and in general it is better to know information than to have it be a secret…but there is something to be said for the old saying of “ignorance is bliss.”  Though I will admit that if I were to have found out the information second hand or just by chance, I would have likely felt betrayed by one or both of the hearts that are at play right now.  Both hearts I love dearly, call friends and want nothing but the best for. I know the histories of both hearts…the pain they have and do still carry. And to some degree both hearts I have been attracted to for many reasons. And with all the options of what could go wrong…or right…I don’t know what to do.

I mourn the opportunity to find out where things could have gone, but at the same time am so blessed to have things the way they are. I question if one heart came into my life to get to the other heart. Was I just a means to an end?

I feel stuck.

I feel hurt.

But I don’t know if I even have a right to feel the way I do. Part of me realizes neither of those hearts would have loved mine. And I was totally okay being in the” friendzone” because I would rather have those hearts in my life in whatever form they take, then to not have them at all. In the end, I know my heart would never have been enough. I have learned enough of myself to know that I’m not good at relationships so better to not fuck it up.

I’m scared these two hearts could be the best thing each has ever had. I’m scared that these two hearts could rip each other apart. I know too much about both. Yet, I am buried with the truth while they struggle to see. But I promised each heart to keep the things shared sacred and close. So I can neither help nor hurt…them anyway.

I’m overwhelmed by something I have yet to identify.

The past?

The future?

I just feel stuck and I don’t like this.

When a town cries...

My apologies for taking so much time between posts, things have been rather hectic lately. Mom is finally off restrictions for her hip replacement and so I am back to work full time. I missed a lot while I was gone...new charting systems, different clients, new coworkers and the like. Outside of work I have returned to my NSO duties for my league, taking photos of friends and family, various leagues and finding great mentors to teach me more about the fine details of photography. Much thanks to Jenny and Danny who have spent a great deal of time educating me over the last few months. Then I got some plague that quickly went from a head cold to sinus infection to bronchitis...so needless to say, I've been busy. With that being said I should make sure to mention the reason for this post, the actual reason for my hesitation on putting my thoughts to screen.

On October 24, 2014 around 10:45am my little town changed forever when a young troubled soul at one of our local high schools shot and (eventually) killed 4 of his friends and then himself. I remember this day vividly, as I had just left Marysville heading South for a doctor appointment in Shoreline. The normal humdrum drive slowly changed as I began noticing police car after police car racing North...one and then two, they just kept racing by. I lost track after 12 and I remember thinking that something horrible must have happened somewhere behind me...I quietly prayed that it was no one I knew and thanked God that it wasn't me. After my appointment I headed back home, stopped at a store and noticed about 3 helicopters circling over MPHS about half a mile from me. My heart sank because it was then that I realized whatever was going on currently, was what I had noticed taking place earlier in the morning.

I raced home...just a few short miles away from all the action, walked in the door, I put the groceries on the counter and turned the television on. And there it was...the reason for the police and the helicopters. There was a shooting. My keys dropped to the floor and I watched as this horrible incident played out before my eyes. Details were still sketchy, but for the time being the only person dead was the shooter. Four others were in critical condition at various hospitals...my head raced with confusion...how could this happen in my little town? Where was security? Why did this young man do this? I remember saying out loud to myself "oh God the families."

I watched the television for a few hours as updates from law enforcement, the FBI and various other officials trickled in. The shooter identified...his victims not bullies like most school shootings. Instead they were his close friends and even a few family members. This didn't feel like the "regular shootings"...I couldn't believe I even made reference in my head to "regular shootings," what has happened to this world?! As the days passed by, more details came out and it became clear that this just didn't seem to fit in with other horrible events like this. This shooting didn't come as a result of bullying or abuse...it was the result of rejection. Those he killed, he wanted with him in the next life. The town and country for that matter just didn't know how to process this...society always looks for the 'evil doer.' Except this time, there was a young man who felt that he lost the love of his life, didn't think he could turn to anyone for help (among other reasons I'm sure) and decided to end his life. But couldn't face being alone and therefor ended the lives of his best friends.

No there is no excuse. But how does a town heal when there is no real "enemy" to blame this on? They were all victims...even the shooter.

Times have really changed in our society. Things that were once "givens" are up for debate or missing altogether. Parents have lost control, kids have seized power, guns and weapons are everywhere so long as you can pay the price. Media tell us who and what to believe and we are all screaming for help with the problems we have created. Sigh.

In middle school I was often beat up by school bullies and endlessly tormented because of my weight. In high school the torment continued, I was stabbed and shoved in school lockers. As a senior I was molested by my drama teacher. And all through this it never occurred to me that I could simply bring a gun to school and kill those who were making my life hell. It never occurred to me that what was happening wasn't supposed to. Looking back on it all, it has made me who I am...but when living it, it was awful and I did try to end a life. Mine.

The only constant in this cycle...I could never have taken anyones life. Not even my drama teachers. The tears I shed through middle and high school could fill a swimming pool but never did I think of ending anyones lives. Again...just mine. It is unfortunate that as teenagers emotions are full and vivid but the brain doesn't have the capacity to make sense of it all. Something needs to change...and I'm not talking about gun laws or metal detectors. We need to teach love, patience, acceptance and teach the youth that they are of great worth and not only say to them these things but actually be there for them. Teach them by example.

We need to be better human beings.

For my little town that has lost its innocence...I pray you find peace.

The extinction of human relationships courtesy of Facebook

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately...and then while reading through yahoo news I come across an article about WSU's coach Mike Leach, who I actually am not a fan of, latest rant which turns out to be about the very topic on my mind.

Here's a copy of Mike Leach's quote: "I'm not really good with technology. All this button pushing and whatnot. I mean, you can just imagine based on what's happened in the last 15 years. Conversations won't happen 10 years from now. There aren't going to be people to talk to, it's going to be this (mimics pushing buttons). 'Do you want to go out on a date with me?' 'I don't know, what do you look like?' 'Well I look kind of like this.' 'OK, what are your interests?' 'Well, what do you think my interests are? Looking to this thing and typing into this just like yours are.' 'Yeah, no kidding, that's what everybody's doing.' 'Well, where do you want to go?' 'Well, what difference does it make? Because all we're going to be doing is looking into machines anyways.' Well, that's true and in the end, it's going to tough to perpetuate the species. There's no question about that. So we're all going to look in this box and eventually be extinct. That's how it ends."

While his quote is more specific to the decline of humanity or rather its extinction, my thoughts lately have been more focused on the mistaken importance of relationships within Facebook. Back in the before days...the long, long ago...before the internet anyway, if you wanted to be friends with someone it took effort. You had to make time in your life to call them, hang out with them, see a movie, go to dinner, hang out, do whatever...even if that whatever was drive around or hang at a park.  You made time in your life because it was real. But now, in the time of Facebook...you just click a button or send an emoticon. But as my exgirlfriend was known for saying "Facebook isn't real life." So true. I can't tell you how many times I have overestimated my status in someone's life because of Facebook. For example, I can talk everyday with someone on Facebook, send funny pictures and make stupid jokes back and forth with but when in the same room...we are strangers. But because of Facebook interactions, I'm expecting that to translate to the real world and vise versa. The problem, it doesn't and so the end result is...my feelings get hurt. My heart suffers needlessly and sends my brain into a horrible downward cycle of self hatred and confusion. This didn't happen in the long, long ago. It didn't happen before the internet. It didn't happen before Facebook.

You were friends or you weren't. You shared your life, you laughed, you loved, you cried, you were part of something bigger than yourself. Relationships as I once knew them are over. Sadly, I am finally coming to this realization after losing some "friends" either because I thought I meant more than I did, or because they thought they meant more than they did. Again, victims of the lies that Facebook shoves into our faces. We are led to believe in a reality that does not exist...for better or worse sometimes. I recently did an experiment with my Facebook account, to find out just how real any of my 288 "friends" really were...I deactivated my account (for several reasons, just one was for this experiment) and it took a week before anyone noticed enough to contact me. And of those 288, only 3 have actually gone out of their way to check on me, say hi or whatever.

That's not even 1% of my so called friends.

And what's even more depressing...ones I thought would contact me...haven't. So it begs the question, who are my real friends?

Lest you think I hate the internet and social networking...I don't. It has brought about amazing things. One of them, the main one in my opinion (aside from shopping that is) is being able to connect with people from around the world. People that before the internet and Facebook never really knew existed. And I have to admit that some of those distant people have brought some serious awesomeness into my life. The problem is that I'm not sure I can justify the sacrifice of having close personal friendships that are real to have "friends" on social networks that really when the chips fall, likely wouldn't give two shits about me.

Relationships were easier, less complicated and more straight forward before the internet came along. Before social networks connected the world with just a click. And it saddens me to say that, but more so to come to the realization that I have far less real friends in my life than I thought.

Today's horoscope.

There's an underlying tension creating a struggle between who you want to be and what others expect from you. There may not be an easy resolution to this emotional dilemma today, but you still might believe that things will work out if you just hang on for a while longer. However, this wait-and-see approach is a dangerous strategy because you can talk yourself out of initiating the necessary action that could bring you closer to happiness. Your life will change for the better once you start acting like you're the master of your own destiny.


True. True. True.

Not just for today, but everyday really. I have always felt like two different people. One trapped inside the other. The one I want to be, the one I am supposed to be trapped, suffocating inside the fat, ugly, lazy one on the outside.

I guess there is a reason that my astrological sign represents a sort of yin-yang thing. Two similarities, going in opposite directions...sigh.

When you walked away...

It's been two weeks or so since we raised our voices to each other, absolutely sure that the other was wrong. It's been two weeks or so since you walked away from me, I was trying so hard to tell you my side, share my feelings but you so set in your version of who I am that not one word I could have shared would have changed your mind. I called to you, asked you to come back...you looked over your shoulder but just kept going...right out of my life. Leaving both your other and myself just looking at each other with plenty of "sorries" to fill the void you just created. Like a vacuum in time, you walked away and left us without air. No answers. Just more questions.

I've been thinking of you both quite often, questioning my rational for the decisions that I take full responsibility for, would I make them again? My intentions were pure and true but sadly that caused pain for all involved. Nothing I could have said would have lessened the blow, given the anger directed at me before a single word was spoken. I could only speak my truth and at first I was sorry that it differed from your truth of who I am...but I'm not now. I am sure of what I want in my life. Who I want in my life. I want friends who act like friends, who say hi when the other comes into the room. Friends who text just for the hell of it. Friends who email stupid shit. Friends to hang with, laugh with and share good times as well as bad with. Since "the step back" our relationship has not met even the simplest of definitions of friends. I can walk right by you, without one word from you as if I am a stranger in your life.

We might as well be strangers if that is what friendship means to you. And to be honest, I have been mourning the loss of both of you in my life since "the step back" turned into "the step away." You didn't just back away, you left my life. For months I had wished to be more involved with your lives, to once again have witty banter via text or get a smile when our paths crossed. But only one of you acknowledged my existence. You didn't just step back...you totally left me. And while your actual walking away from me hurt like fire to my heart, and left me sobbing my way home to the point I had to pull off the road until I could see. It was a familiar pain. One I have been experiencing in small doses as I kept waiting for you to come back into my life. But you never came back. And I needed to make a stand. I am beyond saddened that my stand came on that day. I truly am.

There have been many miscommunication, unfounded judgements and misinterpretations that have led us to this point. But I needed you to know that your idea of being friends was not mine. I know you "don't give a shit about you being sensitive" but it is who I am at my core. I cannot change that. I also know that I cannot change the matter of factness your world view carries, nor would I ever want to. I was simply asking for a compromise in our views, to meet in the middle and realize that maybe what we each thought to be true could have variations. That not everything is black or white. No games, just me trying to reach out to you...telling you what I needed. Your other may have heard me, but I feel like you heard what you wanted to hear. Not giving me the chance to connect...in fact, you didn't even meet my eyes until you were yelling at me.

Actions speak louder than words...you told me you loved me but stopped long ago showing me. Again, the familiar pain of being in a room with you...5 feet sometimes and not one word or glance from you. Each and every time a mark was made on my heart, another slice chipping away at once was a really great friendship. I miss you. I miss you both. I won't deny or lie about that. I had to stand up for my heart...in fact you taught me that. You taught me so much...not to give a shit about others drama they try to suck me into. About loving myself, caring about myself...it was your teachings that were the foundation of my standing my ground. Not that it matters now, but you are one of the most important persons in my life...you both are. And I miss you...

I just needed you to know that I will always be here for you...for you both. If ever you need anything, I will do what I can to provide assistance. I think of you fondly, I adore you both. I love you both more than you know. You taught me to stand up for myself and I wish so much that you would have realized that was what I was doing when you walked away...

When loyalty is in question.

Sometimes the rumors are true no matter how badly you want them to be false. You can’t really change what others say or think especially when those who know you, don’t bother to ask…blindly following the influence of others who know little to nothing about you. Well, in this case…me. I would like to think my intentions are fairly easily read and understood and that if someone has questions about why I do what I do, they simply ask. But over the last season, and most recently this last weekend…my intentions have been assumed, my loyalty questioned and actions second guessed. I have, despite living most of my life as an open book, had clearance for said actions and kept myself surrounded by positive people. But when one of those I held to a higher standard takes a passive aggressive barb at me, not only confirming the rumors but showing their belief in them being true…cuts deep. And I don’t know how to move past that.

I am a very passionate person. I feel deeply, for better or worse. It takes me a while to let others into my life, even longer to trust them and when that trust is broken…it starts a chain reaction of distrust that unfortunately shadows everyone in my life. Yes, I realize the actions of one or some should not ruin it for everyone…but I view a lot of my life in black and white. Leaving little room for other options, even grey has a hard time finding a foot hold. So in this moment of pain, in this time of seemingly endless questioning of loyalty, motives and actions…my immediate response is/was to bawl my eyes out, escape and not return. Normally, this is an easy function for me…I’ve been doing it all my life. But in this instance, not returning doesn’t feel like an option.

I love my league, my second home, my church…my family.

Maybe that’s why the pain goes so deep and hurts so bad.

 

 

I’m stuck. I’m scared. I’m hurt….and I don’t like how this feels.

 

Big Girls Do Cry...

I will be the first to say I’m one of those girls who hate to cry. I want to be seen as a tough girl, an independent girl, a self-sufficient girl…and sometimes an untouchable girl. I don’t want anyone to see my pain, let alone know that I am capable of feeling pain. I want people to think I have it all together, that I’m good at everything, totally with it and awesome. I need for people to think that what they say about me doesn’t affect me. Or what they don’t say, I notice. When people I would expect to say hi to me, walk right by me as if we are strangers. It takes a lot for me to reach out to people, to admit defeat or show weakness.

So when someone I have been weak with, breaks my heart, breaks my trust or questions my sensitivity…they get pushed to the farthest part of my heart. I make it look like it’s all good, that I’m not hurting from the betrayal or the severe loss of their place in my heart. But I know I’m the only one who hurts from it. They likely could care less. Sometimes the connection I make with others, I mistake as stronger than it really is. I overestimate my position in their lives and I’m pained every time I am left out of some major aspect of their lives. Again, I’m the only one hurting in that case. But I don’t know how to end the pain, end the relationship or admit that I thought I meant more than I really did. It all just makes my soul ache.

When I first started into derby, I met someone who I thought would be a good friend. Or at the least, a friendly face. Not sure what I did, or didn’t do in that case…but she spread rumors about me to everyone she could possibly talk to. Some rumors I heard, some I didn’t. But I promise that I didn’t get into derby for the girls, like she led so many to believe. What’s worse is when people who don’t even know you, buy into the bullshit and not one chance was I given. I’m friends with some now, who she told rumors to about me…so I hear the shit now that she said then and still says it appears. I’ve been out of this persons life for 3 years…blocked on facebook and I even stopped going to RCRG activities because of the drama she created for me so long ago. She and those who bought what she was selling led me to question the sport, the players, society in general. And while I cried a ton of tears then and now, I have to thank her because all that drama and pain led me to Jet City. My league. My home. My family.

Don’t get me wrong, there are those in JCRG that hurt me. But I was accepted the minute I walked through the doors there. I just finished my 4^th season with JCRG and I can’t imagine my life without that league. So many of my good friends have skated in that league, still do actually. Faces that make going through the doors even in the worst times of my life…comforting. People who have moved mountains just to reach a hand out to me. There are those at JCRG who break my heart…but I won’t ever tell them. Then there are those who with just a smile, a nod or “hey little buddy” make my heart full. And there are even times when someone will hug you so hard, they push your heart right back together. For a little while anyway.

So as I sit here rambling I guess what I really want to come out of this entry is…

1)     I overestimated my importance in the lives of some people. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. And I’m sorry I don’t handle it very well and spend so much time crying because you’re hurting me and you don’t even know it.

2)     I’m glad that some people don’t believe everything they hear, without that quality…no one would ever want to be friends with me. So thank you to those who gave me a chance. You probably have no idea how thankful I am for you.

3)     There are some of you who have no idea how important you are in my life. How much I look forward to seeing you every week. Not that you say anything to me…but you smile and make eye contact with me. And it’s genuine. You have no idea how much joy that brings this sad heart.

4)     Realize that what you say is one thing, what you do or…don’t do speaks louder than anything you could ever possibly know. Show how you feel. Before the chance is gone.

5)     I’m guilty too.

I’m not tough. I’m not put together. I’m not all with it. I hate who I am, I never feel pretty enough. When I cry I feel weak, but I cry a lot. I’m too sensitive, I overanalyze everything and realize that no matter what you say about me or think about me…it can’t possibly be worse than what I say or think about me. It’s the times I say I don’t care…that I care the most.

River Rats

I think sometimes we underestimate our value to the world. We underestimate our presence in the lives of those around us. Yet with the flip of a coin we often take others in our lives for granted. We fail to see how our actions impact others, how our intentions are not always pure despite our best efforts. We cover our inadequacies with cheap filler hoping that the world won’t notice just how insecure we really are with ourselves. For some of us it doesn’t matter if we are alone or in a crowded room…we just feel awkward. 

We are the only species that can be in the middle of a crowded space and still feel so alone. We are the only species that is capable of evil intent, revenge, remorse and forgiveness. So different yet so much the same are we to each other…all the while pushing and pulling those around us based on what value we assign them. Do we know the impact that we have on each other, would we know what to look for even if we knew?

The homeless man on the corner with a sign that he fought in the war and needs money…do you give him your change? Or do you try and look busy in your car to avoid making eye contact…

The woman walking down the street talking to herself, agitated and screaming to no one…do you duck into a nearby shop until she passes so you don’t have to talk to her? Or do you cross the street so you don’t get attacked…

The couple next door to your house where there is yelling at all hours of the night and day…do you go over and check in? Or do you turn your tv up louder and think that you need thicker windows…

The girl who shows up to the skate deck and sits far away from all the action but looks like she wants to know more…do you go up and introduce yourself? Or do you stay with your team, your clique and pretend she isn’t there…

The league member who comes off all funny and gives 150% to the league but leaves events early…do you ask why? Or do you go about your own thing and give little notice to anyone missing…

The kid on the bus that yells and hits the other children on the bus…do you stop her, kick her off the bus? Or do you let it go on so you don’t get involved in the problem…

Sometimes we are so busy we don’t see what’s right in front of us. Including seeing what we can offer the world, the impact our actions have, the helpfulness we can bring to another person.Even if that person, is us.

So that homeless man, he lost his house when he went to serve in the war after 9/11 to ensure another attack didn’t happen on US soil. That woman walking down the street, she had a psychotic break when her daughter was still born. The couple next door, the wife beats her husband because…well it doesn’t matter why. The girl who shows up at the deck, maybe that took every ounce of her courage just to make it that far but she knows how to skate and could be the best jammer you’ve ever seen. The league member, maybe the league is all this person has and just wants to be accepted before they leave derby behind. The kid on the bus, maybe she’s beat every night, and that’s the only way she knows how to interact with others.

There are millions of reasons for the way we act and react to things. But if could just look outside of ourselves for just a second and think of someone else…imagine how much better the world could be. Imagine how much better the world would be if we believed in ourselves instead of letting the world dictate how we should feel about us.  Imagine how relationships would flourish if just communicated with one another with love and caring instead of questioning the motives of another or just plain pushing them away. Can you even envision any of that?

Over the fourth of July I went tubing with a group of league mates in Monroe…it was great talking with people that normally I’m not often around outside the context of derby bouts. Joking, laughing, chilling and screaming for people to paddle so we didn’t hit rocks. It was awesome. I loved it. Even in the act of floating on my own and inhaling some river water…I felt cared for because my “sister from another mister” came and found me to make sure I wasn’t dead. She led me back to some of the others and after what seemed like forever, our little group was rejoined and saved by the kindness of a couple who trucked us out of the middle of nowhere…a place that was beautiful but reminded me of Children of the Corn. I was in significant pain but I wouldn’t have wanted to be with any other people than Jude, Mike, Nikki and Fuzz.

Now I pose this question…you see a bunch of strangers on your property looking like drowned rats…do you turn them away because you are in the middle of your holiday party or help them? Well, Jim and Paula of Paula’s Wine Knot Beer and Wine Bar took time out of their days events and helped us in a very desperate time. We had nothing but our sincere thanks to offer them.

So thank you so much for doing something so good for 5 drowned rats who thought they could handle the river. With everything that happened, I would still do it over again. 

When life and derby cross

When life and derby cross.

I love roller derby. I love many of the people in my league. I love my league. I love the sport. I love the athleticism, the strategy, the head games, the emotions, the passion and yes…even the pain. Players break records, bones and gear. League mates fight for bragging rights, awards, power and each other. It is on one level a very team oriented sport, but also a place where an individual can shine. Like baseball, soccer, football, basketball…any of the great games. Roller derby mirrors life with its lessons, heartache and unbridled happiness. You can meet amazingly wonderful people and some you would rather forget. If you have a closed mind, you won’t get very far but if your eyes are open…the track before you opens up to show you the way. Each day has 24 hours…a day and a night. When one day ends, another begins. Roller derby has 60 minutes…two halves and each jam is two minutes (and sometimes less depending). When one jam ends, another begins. Some days you start ahead and others behind. Some bouts you get lead jammer status, sometimes not. But you always live to fight another day…another jam…another bout…another season…and so on.Until that is, the time comes to retire or pass to the next life in whatever form that may take.

Life teaches us many things…who we can trust, who we can’t.Who to love, who is unworthy of our love. We learn that hot can burn and cold can freeze. We learn that not all strangers are friendly and sometimes our friends might as well be strangers. Along this journey we figure out that you can’t read a book by its cover, but sometimes the cover is the best part of the book. That shit is still shit even if you wrap it in a pretty bow and put sprinkles on it. And somewhere along the steps we take, we learn that no step is ever the same. No cloud ever the same, no drop of rain the same diameter or mass. Not one of us is the same as the next yet we unexpectedly share so many qualities. We all have hearts that beat, blood that flows, skin that senses touch, a brain with which to comprehend the words you are reading right now. We all seek to be unique but have a desire to fit in. We are all created with the ability to love and hate. To have and have not, to hurt and help, to accept and reject…to embrace and push away. Within each of us there is immense power to create or destroy…life, love…each other. We can hold another’s hand or a grudge. But only one has the potential to harm. We are in effect, natural contradictions.

I cannot imagine what my life would be like without roller derby. Without the friends who have become my family. The sport that has opened my mind and heart to more pain and happiness than I even knew could exist. A place where I can stand in the middle of a crowded track and feel alone yet stand in that very spot a minute later and feel more love and acceptance than any religion has ever offered me. Life says it will take you as you are, but it doesn’t. I know this, because we are all searching for acceptance…a place to belong, to feel loved and cherished. Since life doesn’t give it to us, we often end up searching religion for what we so badly desire. But for me, that didn’t go so well. In fact, that is where I learned to hate myself.We pray and pray for help…love and acceptance and sometimes our prayers can go unanswered for what feels like forever. And then one day, you turn around and your physical therapy assistant is a rollergirl. Not just any rollergirl I came to learn…but a derby goddess by the name of Carmen Getsome. It was then that life and derby crossed and my outlook on life has never been the same.

 

 Photo by Jules Doyle

 

 

This is me...

Recently I have had to spend a good deal of time pondering who I really am, what my motivations are and re-evaluating my actions, thoughts and how I communicate with others. At work I have two identities, the bully that management sees and the compassionate caregiver that my coworkers and clients see. In my personal and derby life there again are two of me...the loud, confident and flirtatious me and then there's the me that questions everything that everyone does, lacking direction and never feeling worthy to walk the earth. I find when I keep the latter identities apart, life is less complicated. But recently, the two mixed and in the midst of my feeling paranoid that I was not worthy of a friendship, I over stepped in an attempt to communicate and pushed that needed friendship from my life. Not all the way gone, I hope. But far enough that it matters. So regardless if anyone reads this, especially the ones who I write this for...I want to put myself out there. Yes, I will likely regret it, but I need you all to know this is me...

• I am intelligent, sometimes a little too much.
• I occasionally think I am cute, but never beautiful.
• I set firm boundaries for myself, but lack insight into when I cross others.
• I am very compassionate, to the point that I will give until I have nothing less.
• I will take whatever punishment you give out, but if you target someone I care for. The gloves are off.
• I connect quickly to some people, and that tends to scare them away.
• My friends are family to me. And nothing comes before family.
• I'll tell you I don't care, but that really means I care so much it hurts.
• I'm emotional, sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily.
• I'm very protective of those I love. 
• My desire to express my love for my friends sometimes scares them, because when I appreciate them, I go all out. I will do nice things just because I can. Unfortunately, sometimes my appreciation can feel creepy. 
• When I'm told "I'm too much, too sensitive, too exhausting" I will pull away and likely never come back to the previous state of friendship.
• My trust is hard to get, once given...if it gets violated it will never come back to what it once was. If at all.
• I feel deeply, passionately, fully. Not in a sensual way, rather a spiritual and soul to soul way. Again, that part of me makes people uncomfortable. I don't mean to, I just don't know how to turn myself off.
• I am loyal, sometimes to a fault.
• I find humor in everyday life. Sadness too.
• I will literally feel your pain as if it were mine. I will want to fix it, cure it or make it go away. And I feel helpless and worthless because I can't even though I know it's not mine to fix, cure or make go away.
• I will tell you I'm fine, when I am dying inside.
• When I see a dead animal in the road, I pull over, put gloves on and move them to the side. I say something nice, and wish them luck on their journey. Why? Because no animal, no one should lay in the street to be run over and forgotten.
• I'm an anxious mess, worrying about everything all the time.

I'm a complete and total Pisces...

"Pisces will go out of their way to help a friend. They are extremely sensitive and loyal. They will take a friend's problem and make it their own and suffer with them. This is the weak spot of Pisces but any friend of this zodiac sign should know that although they are attracted to people with severe problems who desperately need help, this actually does more harm them good. Even though Pisces will offer to make everything right, do not allow them to take on all your problems because they will lose their identity in your situation. They need a strong positive friend to make them strong. Pisces like adventure, new situation and social events. A Pisces friend will always have something exciting in mind and it is a very fulfilling, long lasting friendship. Pisces have an intuitive and psychic ability more then any other zodiac signs. They trust their gut feelings and if they do not, they quickly learn to because they realize that their hunches are usually correct. Pisces downfall is their sensitivity and their inability to reject another person. They do not like rejection and they try to treat others the way they want to be treated so they will rarely say no to a person for fear of hurting their feelings. They will help another person with their problems and like to do so because making others feel good in turn makes them feel good. Pisces is the zodiac sign of self-undoing. People born under this zodiac sign are not susceptible to bad luck and unfortunate events, they bring them on themselves by overindulging, laziness and a knack for picking poorly suited partners and friends. They want people in their life who stir their emotions because this helps them to practice emotional stability. The inner conflict of Pisces is extremes of temperament and conflicting emotions. They are trying to pinpoint themselves on the real world while their spiritual world can cloud their vision, they will try to escape or avoid a situation instead of confronting it. Pisces eternal struggle is to learn to use their powers and their imagination in a positive, productive way and vying for emotional stability by not giving away their emotions to everyone else, they need to help themselves."-Astrology.com

Randy Travis once sang about the road to hell being paved with good intentions. If that is so, my road is fully paved and engraved.

Lost Refuge, Shattered Heart

This blog used to be a sort of refuge for me. A place I could go to express my feelings, share the days events or a dumping ground for the deluge of thoughts that swirl in my head. But since I learned that my ex-girlfriend has found a new love this blog has become a torture device that even the most sinister a soul wouldn't put to use. I've looked at our old pictures, each of us smiling, holding each other...laughing. I've stared into the giant picture of her eye from the May 2012 post for what feels like hours. So much so that when I close my eyes I can trace every detail that her iris fibers had designed. The brown tints with the yellow and gold highlights. Those eyes that I got lost in day after day...week after week. For two years those eyes were a safe haven for me. Her breathing the sound that comforted my soul. Her smell that intoxicated me...that I would give almost anything to have near me again.

Sigh.

I sit here and torture myself, reading my past posts about how much I loved and adored her. Still. But she belongs to someone else now. A writer, like me. But better. A divorced, single mother. A woman who is "granola" just like she is. Natural, country, homegrown. An activist. A true lesbian. How do I know this...you would be amazed at what you can discover on the Internet when in the middle of the night you are possessed with plunging that dagger deeper, further into your heart. Oh the games my head plays. The images that replay, the laughter turned into tears. I don't need any enemies when I have my own mind to bully and dismantle me from the inside out.

Sigh.

I want to be happy for her, she deserves it after all. Maybe now, she can have the relationship that I couldn't give her. Maybe now she can see her worth, the worth I spent so much time trying to reinforce. When we found each other, she was insecure about everything. Lost. Always in doubt of herself. I hope that by the time it ended she finally realized how amazing she is. How beautiful she is both inside and out. I hope that she can have a relationship free of her own demons. Despite my contempt of this new girl, new relationship that she is in...I love her enough to still want happiness and joy for her. Yes, I hate the idea that this new girl gets everything I once had. Everything I still wish I had. But to some degree or another this new girl has me to thank...Lisa wouldn't be who she is now without our relationship. For better or worse.

But God the pain. The thoughts. The endless visions of what was and what is now. Sigh.

Lisa, I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you needed, wanted. I tried to make you happy, make you feel loved. In fact, I loved you more than anyone before. I worked harder in our relationship than I ever had before you. I listened better. I loved harder. I gave you access to parts of my soul that no one has ever seen. I let you love me when never was that even considered before you. You were my "first," the love that I never thought I would ever have. I have missed you every day since you left me. I know that all these useless words provide no comfort, not that you will ever even read this...but I'm so lost without you. Without my best friend. But I wish happiness and love for you. I hope you can live free of the demons that haunted your soul, the soul I loved more than life. Happy birthday by the way...the 25th comes soon. I will always love you.

Sigh. This is the pain I never wanted to feel again. The pain that almost literally killed me last go around. My heart just can't take this. I can't do love anymore. I can't love someone so much only to have that love stolen and shattered. I know I appear strong, but I'm not. I'm weak. Fragile.

So very fragile.

Hopefully someone will love me someday.

Upon further introspection regarding my past relationship with Lisa, I am less inclined at this point in time to place all the blame on my shoulders. I am no longer confident that the ending came because of me solely. While my perception of what it must be like to be in a relationship with me has not changed much to speak of, I am more open now to the notion that it at the very worst is likely 50/50 fault wise. I wish I could say that it was never me…but that’s just not a possibility. So why am I thinking of my ex you may wonder? Well, she is often on my mind, in my dreams. But specifically on my mind now because of a conversation with someone at work who thought she and I were still dating. I advised that Lisa broke up with me a while ago because I wouldn’t make more of a commitment to placing myself in her “life” and spend more time with her kids. My coworker asked “why not?” I blankly said, “she wasn’t willing to get a divorce or even move out of the house she shared with her wife even though they were separated.” My coworker looked at me in stunned silence.

“She was still married, you never told me that!” I guess I didn’t think it was important enough to mention…but it was important enough to keep me from fully investing in a life with her. I went on to explain that it had been two years that I had been waiting for her to make a move and none was made. Yes she spent a great deal of time with me in my “life” and I should have spent more time in hers but I felt so out of place and foreign in the house that they still shared. I just couldn’t make myself comfortable there even though both she and her wife, yes separated but still married, told me that it was “cool if Deb comes over.” I guess I just couldn’t imagine holding hands with or talking about personal things or being girlfriends in front of her wife. My brain doesn’t work like that. And try as I might, it still doesn’t.

With all that said, I know a major reason for staying in the house she shared with her wife was to take care of the children. I admire that devotion and had promised myself that I would never place myself above them and the importance they have. I think that’s why I didn’t push harder for Lisa to find her own place…to actually ‘separate’ from her wife. Maybe things would be vastly different had I been more firm in my convictions. I don’t know. Maybe things would be just as they are now…me missing my future with someone I loved more than any other. I’m sadly happy that I didn’t spend more time with her children, the pain of losing them would be more than I could handle…given how hard the loss of previous girlfriends and their children has hit me. I refused to involve myself more in their lives until Lisa showed action in creating her own life away from her wife.

So it seems that she and I were doomed from the start…I got what I deserved with this because I got involved with a married woman. But her pull was so strong I never would have been able to resist her love regardless. Her touch remains white hot on my skin, forever scarred. The feel of her skin like a scalding ember from a fire that has been blown out, her smell has taken up residence in every vacant sinus. I miss deeply what was never mine to have. I miss the future that we shared and talked about, eventually I know these will pass and fade away. But I will love her forever. And I’m okay with that.  

Hopefully someone will love me again.

The Proverbial Bridge

With all this anti-gay stuff going on, it has triggered some internal strife in my soul. Shadows of things I had locked away in a box, hidden in the attic of my mind, covered by better memories and lessons learned etched in the stone that keeps the box closed. But recently a ladder showed up, the attic was opened and the stone place holder removed leaving the box without cover...without protection...and regardless of the once gentle hand lifting the lid, the shadows have escaped leaving my mind to ponder things I put away. The damage has been done. I've spent my adult life trying to hide from those shadows. Trying to rationalize leaving them in the attic to collect dust and rot away. And it's all been undone. The shadows work methodically within me, unlocking little cages of thoughts only to leave me sliding backwards and chaining me to that damn box that I worked so hard to leave behind. Each link on the chain a church lesson. A song. A pamphlet with words that sting like acid. A prayer to be like the other girls at my church. Me pleading with God to fix what he had screwed up. Each and every link, heavier than the previous one.

Here...see inside my brain, my soul. Have a glimpse at just a fraction of the chain that binds me to seemingly never ending torment and unhappiness.

" Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, He is our Father."

"Homosexuals can be assured that in spite of all they may have heard from other sources, they can overcome and return to normal, happy living."

"The answer, it is not all right. It is wrong! It is not desirable, it is unnatural, it is abnormal, it is an affliction. When practiced, it is immoral."

"If someone seeking your help says to you, I am a homosexual or lesbian or gay...correct this miscasting. It is simply not true. To speak this way seeds of doubt and deceit about who we really are."

"To the misinformed who believe God make them that way...This is as untrue as any other of the diabolical lies Satan has concocted. It is blasphemy. Man is made in the image of God. Does the pervert think God to be 'that way'?"

"Having same-gender attraction is NOT in your DNA."

"There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind, with nothing they can do about it. They are just 'that way' and can only yield to those desires. That is a malicious and destructive lie. While it is a convincing idea to some, it is of the devil."

"It was not God who made them that way."

"First, it is important to understand that homosexuality is not innate and unchangeable. Research has not proved that homosexuality is genetic."

"If they will close the door to the intimate associations with their own sex and open it wide to that of the other sex, of course in total propriety, and then be patient and determined, gradually they can move their romantic interests where they belong."

"God made no man a pervert. To blame a weakness and transgression upon God is cowardly.'

"There are counseling programs offering sexual reorientation therapy (conversion or reparative therapy) that hold out the promise of changing homosexual orientation."

Welcome to just a small fraction of what I carry with me every single day. Being Mormon is all I know. It is in my blood, who I am, the core of my understanding. I believe in the Book of Mormon. I cannot and will not deny that. Being Mormon is in my DNA. Yes, I am not a good Mormon, I admit that. But I'm standing on this proverbial bridge holding my box with the chain wrapped around my body, much of it falls to the pavement covering my feet. The chain so long and heavy...and I'm alone in this because no one can carry this burden. It is mine and mine alone.

So I'm standing on the proverbial bridge...

My Confession

I'm weak.

I worry...too much.

I spend most of my life waiting...for my life to begin.

I live in fear...that any decision I make will be the wrong one. 

-----

On a side note I miss you so much sometimes that my heart hurts. I can actually feel it stop, skip and struggle to restart. I miss the way your hand fit so perfectly in mine, your smile, laughter...the laughter when we would get into tickle/wrestling matches in bed. It was contagious. I miss your lips, so soft and tasty. I miss your body, laying my head on your chest listening to your breathing as I fall asleep. I miss my happy place where I was safe. I miss your hugs...the way you would climb me just to get closer. I miss your smell, oh how I miss the comfort in your smell. I miss your touch, your eyes. I miss running my fingers through your hair. I miss the glimmer of light that shows when you walk into a room. 

-----

I play off like I'm cold and put together but inside I'm lost and confused. 

-----

Sigh. I hold out hope that someday our lives will meet up again and the timing will be just right and we can be together. For now, I miss you and dream about you. 

I'm weak.

The NFL isn't ready for him...

Well it's finally happened...a football player came out to the world and said he was gay. Now things get interesting. Especially when the NFL is still dealing with the drama with Martin and Incognito of the Miami Dolphins and the bullying that took place in the locker room. The brave soul in this case is a college player for Mizzou, Michael Sam, who will be entering the NFL draft this year. Within in hours there were people from the NFL telling the world what a mistake it was for him to come out, "it will affect his draft status, the locker room isn't ready for this, it will be hard to have him on the team." Then there are others who say "we don't care what he does off the field as long as he brings his skills onto the field, that's what we care about." So many opinions being expressed on this topic...so here's mine.

The NFL isn't ready.

As a male dominated sport...it is by nature a fraternity of epic proportions. It has it's own code of conduct, it's own way of dealing with infractions, it's own language...it's an entirely different world behind the NFL shield. But every now and then the rest of civilization gets a peek at what takes place...case in point when the locker room drama spills out onto the field or plays out in the media. Even then, we only see a small fraction of the whole picture. Even if whatever team drafts him accepts that he is gay, other teams won't. Other players won't.

The NFL isn't ready.

I give Michael all the credit in the world for coming out. I really do. I just don't think players are going to accept him. Things may have gone well in the college ranks but any player will tell you there's a massive difference between college and the pro's. If you ignore the issues that affect his draft status, there is going to be hazing, bullying and other teams and players trying to take him out because he is viewed as a "sissy" and they don't want to share the field with someone like that. In a world where Manti Ta'o is still being made fun of because he was made a fool for having a pretend girlfriend...how can anyone think having a gay player is going to be any easier?

Don't get me wrong, I know the statistics. Something like 1 in 10 people are gay, so logistically there are hundreds of gay football players in the NFL right now. Even more who play in the NCAA. I get it. But we are in a world that despite saying it's against bullying...still works to separate and classify everyone. White, black. Girl, boy. Rich, poor. Straight, gay. Christian, Atheist. From commercials to everyday interactions our society is primed to distinguish the difference between "us" and "them." The people who have and the people who have not. Granted tides are changing as the younger generation begins to lead our society, with their more liberal views and acceptance for things that the older generation wouldn't stand for. Yes, things are changing...but in this case, where the NFL is still a good old boy's club...it's just not time. Not now. Not yet.

The NFL isn't ready.

You think you know me.

When I was born I weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces. Standard length and was hungry the minute my body left my mothers. I was for all practical purposes a normal sized kid, until about two years before puberty. So I think that puts me around 12 or thereabouts. My parents were getting divorced, my dad had always been verbally abusive so I was okay with him not in my life everyday. I spent much of my adolescents on my own, mom working a full time job and going to school to try and provide a better life for us. I fended for myself food wise, so it was always cereal or box meals. And being alone I spent most of my time inactive. So I gained weight.

The more weight I gained, the more I isolated and stopped doing sports and spent more time hiding from the world. I was a totally active kid, climbing trees, chasing cows, I was outside all the time. The sunset was my curfew. But everything changed around 12. Memories from my childhood came back to me, I became depressed and suicidal and gained more weight. My only saving grace was my personality that endeared me to some of the popular kids, so my place in high school was as the bridge between the unpopular kids and the popular kids. 

But that didn't stop a few from making my life a nightmare. Either constant teasing, bullying, or getting beat up and pushed head first into lockers...every minute stays with me. Or being called wide load all through middle school. All scars that can never be covered. Just like the teacher who molested me in high school, that trauma carries it's own weight. You think you know me...you don't.

College was better but then I was rejected by my church, support system, housing and friends when I came out. And more weight came with more trauma.

The only time I ever lost weight was during a time of anorexia. For a semester I lived on bengals and onion rings. I lost 50 pounds. Then came more trauma, more weight.

So here I am one month shy of 40 and at my absolute heaviest. Yes, my knee injury sidelined my activities but ultimately it falls on my food choices. Fast and easy. Horrible for the body I know. Not to mention I don't usually eat until dinner. 

Why am I telling you all this...because when you see me, you see fat. Over eating and a slob. But I see layers of trauma, depression and loneliness. So when I get bullied online for being fat, it's just one more layer. One more nail in my coffin. I hardly eat, but you don't know that. 

There's a lot you don't know.